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Early in the summer, I started driving to my mom’s house in Venice, California, to jog at the beach, and to visit with her. Now, it may sound a bit extreme, driving 30 miles from my home in Canoga Park to Venice, in order to go jogging, but it is actually quite logical. I prefer jogging 4 to 5 miles, in the cool of late afternoons, at about 4:30 or 5 o’clock. As I jog along at that time of the day, I feel like I’m leaving all of my accumulated problems and worries on the road, and I finish my route refreshed and renewed. However, during the summer months in the San Fernando Valley, when outdoor temperatures climb into the high 80’s, to lower 90’s, until 7 or 8 o’clock, it is still uncomfortable running in the late afternoons. I hate the alternative of running in the mornings, so I avoid it at all costs (unless training for races or a half-marathon). In the past, when working at Shangri-la Middle School, I solved this jogging problem by driving to a part of the city that is always cool, the Westside. Leaving school, I could quickly drive through the Sepulveda Pass, and in a matter of 30 minutes, be running along San Vicente Blvd, in Brentwood, in ideal 68 degree weather. I’d start at Gretna Green Way, and run west on San Vicente Blvd; past the Brentwood Country Club, through Santa Monica, paralleling the Riviera CC, until I reached Ocean Avenue. I’d jog along the palisade walking path on Ocean until California Ave, and then I’d turn around and run back. It was always a glorious jog, with vistas of shady trees, beautiful homes, lush manicured lawns, and the sparkling beach and seacoast of Santa Monica. I could usually be home by 6:30 or 7:00 P.M. (and that was by taking the Pacific Coast Highway route and over Topanga Canyon Blvd). Unfortunately, that practice ceased with my assignment to MASH Middle School. It was simply too far to drive.

However, a few months ago, it occurred to me that by combining some activities on the same day, I could make a Westside trip more practical. On a Saturday (or Sunday), I could drive to my mom’s house in Venice, jog to the pier and along the bike path on Venice Beach, and then shower and visit with my mom and Stela. I would combine filial duty and healthy exercise, with a pleasant day at the beach. Since this epiphany, I’ve gone jogging on three occasions now. Running in Venice, and near the Strand, has been especially enjoyable because it stimulates many thoughts and memories of growing up and living in this part of town from 1959 to 1975.

I start my run in that unique part of southeast Venice called “The Golden Triangle” of Marina del Rey. This is a euphemistic title that has nothing to do with the historical opium or rum trades in India and China. It is a distinct housing area that actually takes the shape of a triangle, formed by the intersections of Washington Blvd on the north, Lincoln Blvd on the east, and Admiralty Way, in Marina del Rey, on the west (originally, an old railroad track comprised this bottom part of the triangle). When we first moved into this neighborhood in the summer of 1959, it was simply called Venice, and it sat atop a large section of barren county land that had been pumped dry of oil. With the incredible success and popularity of the Marina del Rey development (after a slow start in the 60’s and 70’s), the property values skyrocketed, and the area was metaphorically gilded for perpetuity. Home buyers, home re-designers, and high-rise developers are the new “Forty-niners” who now seem bent on settling and exploiting this new gold field.

From my mom’s house, I run along Berkeley Drive, curving towards the northwest corner of the triangle, at Washington Blvd. Berkeley still has three or four of the original ranch style homes that looked so modern in the late 50’s. These were clean-lined, single-storied, stucco homes, with simple floor plans, low pitched gable roofs, and painted in bright pastel colors. They were particularly well landscaped and manicured by the Japanese and Nisei families who owned and maintained most of the homes in the original tract. Our family struggled mightily for many years trying not to be embarrassed by the professionally cared-for lawns and gardens across the street. Every day I’d see the old Ford trucks, piled high with lawnmowers, edgers, trimmers, and rakes, drive off in the mornings and return late in the afternoons. Despite the long hours at their jobs, these gardeners, and their wives, would spend additional time working on their own homes and gardens. Their work ethic amazed me, and for many years I ascribed it to a unique racial predisposition to hard work. It was only in my college years, that I finally realized that my father, and others of his Depression-reared generation, also worked long and hard at their jobs and professions, and then came home to work additional hours at second jobs, or private commissions. My father was a studio photographer during the day and a freelance photographer in the evenings and on weekends. Occasionally, my father would take me along, when my mother could not go. I would try to help him develop and print countless photographs of weddings, birthdays, social events, and Little League and Pop Warner football games. He would shoot and develop the photos, and then my mother would help to print, advertise and market the pictures. They did this for years. I always found the process tedious and boring when I went. I was also puzzled by the optimism my parents had about the work, and toward the people who bought the pictures. It never occurred to me that they saw the work as a fortuitous, economic opportunity to add to a single income that was barely enough to raise and educate 6 children.

 

“Huh-chugged, huh-chugged, huh-chugged” goes my breathing. “Pat-crunch, pat-crunch, pat-crunch” go my shoes along the sandy asphalt. Along Oxford Avenue, I’m struggling to establish a rhythm and momentum in my jogging. I’m not yet in synch. I can hear and feel my breathing. I can hear and feel my foot falls. They haven’t yet melded into one indistinguishable action – running. As Dickson Street connects with my path, I notice the new mega-homes, or MacMansions”, that have been built along this street, after I left home in 1975. They are such a contrast to the simple ranch style homes on Berkeley. These are huge, multi-level monstrosities, without charm or character, built to utilize every available inch of land along this narrow strip of land. When we were children, this area was empty. We played on the abandoned railroad track that serviced the long exhausted oil fields in the lands that would become the Marina. Today, the 3 massive apartment towers of the Marina City Club loom over the streets, and the new homes along Oxford. The homes are glaring reminders of the new opulence of this area. Jogging up to the intersection of Washington Blvd, and Oxford, I veer to the left and head west toward the pier.

As children, Washington and Oxford was a major crossroad for us. It was the axis point for the major geographical directions that affected our lives. We could go left (west) toward the Marina and the beach. We could go right (north) toward Lincoln Blvd and the paths that spread from there to shops, stores, bus connections, school, and church. Or we could go straight, toward the wonders of old Venice, the Library, and the Little League Park that was located behind the bungalows along Washington. In the early 60’s, we all played baseball or softball in that park. Arthur, Stela, Gracie, and I would ride our bikes to practices, crossing Washington Blvd, and riding down Mildred to Boone Street. From Boone, we’d turn left into a huge basin area, which was vacant in those days, that housed the Venice Little League (Now there is an artificial lake complex called Del Rey Colony in that spot). Riding to baseball practices were our first excursions to the outer realms of our world as children. Soon, we would be pushing those boundaries outward and riding our bikes to school, the library, homes of friends, movies, and the beach. Washington was also the demarcation line between the county land of the Marina del Rey on one side, and Venice (the City of Los Angeles) on the other.

As I jog toward the pier, I choose to stay on the Marina side of Washington. This route has fewer streets to cross, and fewer chances to bring my steady running to a halt. However, while I lope along at an easy pace, I have to stay alert and attentive. This side of Washington is the “developed” Marina side, and it is loaded with hotels, apartments, businesses, shops, parking lots, restaurants, and traffic. The first noticeable building is the Marina International Hotel (MIH), a stealth hotel, located near the first entrance into the Marina. The MIH is constructed of aged wood, its rooms and accommodations partially hidden among trees and hedges, looking more like a private lodge than a hotel. It borders Palawan Way, the street we would take when we walked to Marina Beach on Admiralty Way. This was an inland swimming area that was cordoned off from boats and other vessels in the Marina. In our junior high school days, when it was important to look like you spent a lot of time at the beach, the Marina provided a more convenient access to water, sun, and restrooms. On a summer day, we could walk or cycle there quickly, catch some rays, swim around, and return home in time for a late lunch. It was much easier than going all the way to the beach, walking through hot sand, and battling unruly waves.



I slowly jog past a series of little stores and boutiques in oasis style, mini-malls along Washington: UPS store, Hair and Nail salon, Laundry and Cleaners, Joni’s Coffee Roast Café, and Noah’s Bagel. There is a lot of traffic in and around these stores, but the only real problems are the people on the sidewalk. The pavement is filled (especially on hot weekends), with slow moving pedestrians, shoppers, tourists, and parents with strollers. I can usually handle the pedestrians without much annoyance, but dealing with sidewalk cyclists is a peeve (Why don’t they ride in the street where they belong?). The businesses here have changed dramatically over the years, with none of the original stores in evidence. Joni’s is located on the site of Cinzano’s, a wine tasting shop and delicatessen that was built in 1971. We first discovered it when Jim, John, and Greg (see tag, Amigos) roomed together on Redlands Ave in Playa del Rey. At that time, we were new aficionados of the wine renaissance that was sweeping southern California. It was not uncommon in those days for us to meet there for an impromptu wine tasting session, select a bottle or two of Cabernet Sauvignon, or Pinot Noir, and then drink them with bread and cheese. We would sit at an outdoor table, under a wide Cinzano umbrella, gazing out as the world moved along, and naively, plan our futures. If our discussions became too hilarious or intense, we would buy additional bottles, and stay throughout the afternoon.

 

On the other side of the street, I can see some things that have not changed. The apartment bungalows on the north side of Washington (the Venice side) are still there. These bungalows were part of the old seedy part of Venice in the 60’s, even after the Marina was built. They were small, single story, one-bedroom, beach bungalows; low rent and low maintenance. It wasn’t until the boom of the 90’s and millennium that their values shot up and they became gentrified. Oddly enough, they have not been torn down and replaced with multi-story, bungazilla homes; rather they have simply been modernized and upgraded. Other than paint and careful landscaping, these homes still look the same. It’s a refreshing observation. I cross the Grand Canal of Venice at Strong Drive. The canal signals the end the Marina sector of Washington Blvd, and I slow my jog to almost a walk. Strong Drive parallels the Grand Canal, the only remaining canal in Venice, as it flows north to Venice Blvd, and south to Driftwood. There is a walking path along the more scenic parts of the Grand Canal, and visitors can see how this area has also been revitalized since the 60’s.

 

I finally enter the old Venice pier area, two compact blocks of store fronts, cafes, restaurants, bars, people, and cars. On weekends, these short streets are always gridlocked and crowded. The last block still allows head-in parking, a very retro touch, but difficult for joggers. I abandon the congested sidewalk and stride along the side of the road, being very leery of cars and bicycles. A parking lot and the Venice pier lay up ahead. They mark the vanishing point of Washington Boulevard. This is a loud and confusing point of transit and transfer, and I am surrounded by talking, laughing, arguing; people, bicycles, strollers, joggers, skaters, and pedestrians are moving quickly and going in all directions. I’m breathing heavily as I slow down to maneuver this chaotic, crowded, space. I turn north and enter the bike path, jogging well away from the pedestrian walkway, which is packed with weekend tourists and visitors who are coming to explore Venice Beach and Ocean Front Walk (also known as The Strand, or the Boardwalk). There is a bicycle rental shop at the entrance to the bike and pedestrian path that borders the sand. I take a deep breath, relax, and move forward, because this is where the more serene, beach segment of my jog will begin.

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Chewin' on a piece of grass walkin' down the road
tell me, how long you gonna stay here Joe?
Some people say this town don't look good in snow
You don't care, I know.

Ventura Highway, in the sunshine
Where the days are longer
The nights are stronger than moonshine
You're gonna go I know

Cause the free wind is blowin' through your hair
and the day surround your daylight there
Seasons cryin' no despair
Alligator lizards in the air

(
Ventura Highway, America)
 

Kathy and I came home from a two week vacation a short while ago, in a blissful haze of calm and tranquility. We had such a restful and idyllic time in Ventura, California, that it took a full weekend to decompress and prepare for the work week that waited on Monday. Going to the Hollywood Bowl to see Diana Krall perform on the night we returned was a good way to ease this transition. Her earthy songs of love lost, gained, and redeemed, helped ease the awful pain of returning to work. By Sunday night, I had also done some reflecting on our time in Ventura, and I came to a few revelations: Ventura is a wonderful, under-appreciated, locale to rest and recreate; and I love paperbacks in used bookstores. These personal epiphanies are not especially earthshaking or newsworthy, but they are the remaining vestiges of my thoughts on a great vacation.

This is the third summer that we have rented a beach house in Ventura for a two week period. The first year we rented, Kathy left early to prepare and provision the house. At 3 o’clock she called me at work on her cell phone and screamed, “You won’t believe the view from this house!” She was standing in the expansive, upstairs bedroom, surrounded by five, large windows on three sides of the room, gazing out at a wide, panoramic view of Ventura. Every morning, afternoon, and sunset, we could look out at a gorgeous, unimpeded view of clear blue sky, green ice plant topped, sand dunes, sparkling ocean (see photo below), a seaside pier and hotel skyline, and the slowly rising hills overlooking the western part of the city. It was a glorious way to begin each day, and a soothing way to end one. The house itself is roomy and comfortable, with four bedrooms and a variety of modern amenities, such as a Jacuzzi, gas barbeque, ping pong table, digital TVs in all rooms, and an enclosed patio for colder days. Most importantly, for a beach house, it is only a short walk from the shore, so quick back-and-forth dashes to the house for water, drinks, or bathroom relief, does not interfere with serious sunbathing. The beach house alone would merit rave reviews as a summer retreat, but it’s location in Ventura makes it unique. The city has all the quaint amenities of a provincial seaside resort, with coffee houses, surf shops, antique stores, farmer’s markets and stands, and pubs in close proximity. After sunsets and dinner, we can take a moonlit, conversational walk along Pierpont Blvd, to a nearby Starbuck’s for chai tea and coffee, and then slowly make our way back home.

On the days we needed a change from the warm, languid moments on the beach or at home (or when there was no sun), we could drive (or cycle) a short distance to an authentic California mission on Main Street in the “old town” section of the city. Celebrating Sunday mass at the Mission of San Buenaventura is thought-provoking experience. Looking up at the ceiling, walls, and altar that existed in the days of Juan Junipero Serra, and the old mission days of California, I feel a real connection to our religious and historical past. This is the same ground on which Indians, mestizo soldiers, and Spanish explorers walked, as they made their way up the aisle to the front of the gilded altar, murmuring their unworthiness at receiving the same Eucharist that we do today. Other churches cannot give people that feeling of historical procession of time and spiritual energy. After mass, and on other weekdays, we could also walk along Main Street to explore the shops, stores, theatres, and restaurants of this “old town” part of Ventura.

These Ventura vacations have never been solitary retreats for Kathy and me. Even though we spend time alone and together over the long two week period, we also use our stay as an opportunity to invite and enjoy other friends and family members. Every year a variety of guests visit us while we are away from our regular home and jobs. The number varies, and it depends on what is going on from year to year, and who we happen to mention it to. Some people come every year (Prisa, Beth, and Mary), and some come when they are free and able (Tony, Jonaya, Joe, Stacy, Katrin, Greg, Anne, John, Meg, Kathy and Ken). There is plenty of room and provisions, and Kathy and I always find ourselves in generous and expansive moods when we are on vacation. It harkens back to the decade of the 80’s when Kathy’s parents owned their family beach house on Beach Road, in Capistrano Beach. When Kathy arranged to reserve the house for a week, or a long weekend, her brothers, sisters, and friends, always seemed to find out about it. Many would call, finagle an invitation, and drive down to visit or stay with us. It was a veritable open house of family and friends, and sleeping accommodations were never a problem (as long as Kathy and I stayed in the second floor, master bedroom) because there were plenty of beds, air mattresses, blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags. It was great. The guest list at the Ventura beach house pales in comparison to the halcyon days of the Capistrano beach house, on the shore of the Pacific Ocean. In those days our younger siblings and friends were still single, and always on the lookout for seaside visits, parties, and get-togethers. Those days seemed to last forever and our vacations (of one week or less) never-ending.

This year brought a variety of active, fun-loving people to our Ventura house. Greg and Anne were able to visit a couple of times; spending one day at the beach, and staying for barbeque, and, on another occasion, joining us for dinner at the Oxnard home of a family friend. Their visits gave us plenty of time to talk, question, laugh, and comment about our lives and our children’s activities. We also had a few over-night guests. Beth, Mary and John came, staying for dinner and games, and then spending the night. Our own children were able to spend the longest times with us this year. Prisa and her boyfriend, Joe, helped us move in on the first day we arrived, and then returned to stay for five days. Tony and his fiancé, Jonaya, came to visit for the first time, and were able to stay for 3 days, and two nights. We did a variety of things together, with the kids, and separately. We played games, saw movies, visited Main Street, and attended the annual Ventura County Fair.

The biggest novelty this summer was the Ventura County Fair. The fairgrounds are a permanent fixture in Ventura, but we had always missed the week-long fair on other visits. This year our stay coincided perfectly with the fair.  We were able to see the fireworks every evening and finally go ourselves. We went with Prisa and Joe, and Tony took Jonaya on another day. It was incredible fun. There is nothing as relaxing and homey as a county fair. It is a rural amusement park without the polish, commercialization, and expense of the monster theme parks like Disneyland, Universal Studios, Magic Mountain, or Knott’s Berry Farm. There were free exhibits of animals, livestock, flowers, photography, painting, and agriculture. It was a showcase of the artistic, agricultural, and husbandry aspects of the county of Ventura, filled to capacity with excited families and children. Of course it also had a midway, where the young people (Prisa and Joe, and Tony and Jonaya) could go on the thrill rides and ferris wheel, while Kathy and I meandered through the exhibits.

We also caught some movies during our stay that satisfied the likes and diverse interests of all our guests. Joe and Prisa went with us to see the Bourne Ultimatum, to get our fill of a “manly” action film, and then we took Joe, Prisa, John, and Jonaya to see Becoming Jane, to satisfy the needs of our feminine side. Not surprisingly, Becoming Jane provided the most insightful moments. There was a scene in which an old judge, whom Jane is trying to impress, smugly dismisses irony as a coward’s form of criticism. Jane Austen, of course, can’t help but correct him; telling him that irony is actually a natural occurrence, demonstrating the incongruity between the actual result of a series of events, and the normal or expected result.
“Dad”, Prisa informed me on the way out of the theatre, “Austen’s novels are all about irony”.

Even though we had always taken along board games on previous vacations, this was the first time that we actually played. One evening we played Apple to Apples and Imagine If with Prisa, Joe, and Beth; another night we played Trivial Pursuit with Prisa and Joe; and on a final night, Tony, Jonaya, Prisa, Joe, and John joined us in playing Imagine If for a final time. I had forgotten how much fun it is to play these games, with the kidding, challenging, and encouraging that goes with family competition. We used to play board games with the kids all the time, as they were growing up; starting them out with Chutes and Ladders, progressing to Othello, and finishing up with Trivial Pursuit. It was a way of keeping them occupied and engaged (Prisa preferred the “roll and move” games, while Tony enjoyed those which required strategic thinking). I always thought we played for their benefit; it wasn’t until later, when the kids were grown and the practice long dormant, that I realized that the real enjoyment was ours.

Most of the time, however, Kathy and I spent our time sunbathing, lounging, and reading novels. These activities became our daily rituals. For variation, I would occasionally go jogging or cycling, and Kathy would go to her gym or use the Jacuzzi, but reading became our main occupation. I’m talking hours and hours of reading. We read on the beach while sunbathing, on the couch while watching TV newscasts, on the lounge chairs in the patio while the kids were playing table tennis, and in bed, before falling asleep, and after waking up. In our youth, reading novels during summer vacations was our means of escape to other times, places, and lives. It was during the summer that I read comics, historical novels, and discovered fantasy and science fiction novels. It was rejuvenating to rekindle this passion during our stay in Ventura. This year we had decided to not bring along any of our current books or novels for this trip. Instead, we thought that choosing and buying new summer novels should be the first order of business after arrival. It was this imperative that led to my renewed interest in used bookstores.

Our original intention was to buy our books at Ventura’s Barnes and Noble, a fine bookstore on Telegraph Road. We had purchased books there before, so we were familiar with the layout of the store, and confident of finding an adequate supply for our two weeks. However, I had also discovered that Ventura has a remarkable number of used bookstores, and there was one in particular that I had found last summer on Main Street, called Bank of Books. Since I wasn’t able to stay long on that first occasion, I promised myself to return. Kathy however, does not share my fascination (she would say obsession) for used books. Whenever she enters a used books store with me, she demonstrates the same mannerisms and restlessness that I exhibit when accompanying her into a clothing store. So I tend to be very sneaky when we go shopping, or sightseeing and I privately want to go to a used bookstore. I found such an opportunity when we went to noon mass at the Mission on our first visit to town on Sunday afternoon. I kept a sharp eye out for the store as we drove toward the church, but was depressed to see a huge sign on the display window of a vacant building, saying, “Bank of Books: Moved to 391 East Main Street”. I assumed the store had moved to the newer, eastside part of town, closer to the malls and commercial stores, and far from the mission section. Dismissing the idea of finding the store that day, I resigned myself to enjoy the day with Kathy, Prisa, and Joe at the mission, and then lunching at Dargan’s, our favorite Irish pub and restaurant. As we were leaving Dargan’s, after an incredibly filling meal of fish and chips, I verbalized my longing of finding the new location of the used bookstore.
“Why don’t you walk up the street to find it”, Kathy said. “It can’t be too far away”.
“You mean it?” I said, in astonishment. “Do you want to come along?”
“No”, Kathy replied, “but we’ll walk back to the car and pick you up on the way back”.
“It’s a deal”, I exclaimed, and I hastily bounded off, up Main Street, leaving my three companions quickly behind. It was only two blocks away, and I found it immediately. A little out of breath, I whispered “open sesame” and entered Aladdin’s treasure cave of used books.

The store, Bank of Books (see photo above) is just that, a massive, wall to wall, ceiling to floor, depository of used books. It is impressive, and, almost, intimidating. The owner conveniently leaves long, hooked ladders on the towering bookcases, so intrepid customers can climb up, inspect, and select the books that they wish to purchase. The store has every genre, and every style of book and novel. Because of the short time span of this visit, I concentrated my attention on only the fiction section of the wall, and walked along, row by row, looking at the books by authors, in alphabetical order. I selected five novels in the 45 minutes I was in the store: The Warlord, by Malcolm Bosse, Edward the King, Vol. 1. by David Butler, The Rule of Four, by Caldwell & Thomason, The Magic Mountain, by Thomas Mann, and The Glory, by Herman Wouk. I could easily have spent the entire day exploring the store in euphoric bliss; especially when I discovered that there was a basement section to the building. Upon leaving the store, I found Kathy sitting in the shade at the outdoor tables in front of the bookstore. She was finishing a phone call. I kissed her and thanked her profusely, for letting me go. While showing her my purchases, I promised that we would go to Barnes and Noble on the following day.

I’ve finally come to understand that my fascination with used bookstores is not shared by most people. None of my friends and few family members have my passion for used books. I’ve exposed many people to used bookstores, but only a few appreciate them (my brother Alex, and my son Tony, are two who come to mind). All my arguments about financial practicality and the wisdom of recycling books fall on deaf ears. You either love used books, or used book stores, or you don’t. There’s no grey area about used bookstores. I realize now that I love them because my father did.

My Dad loved to read; and paperbacks, “the people’s books”, were his preferred choice. He was a depression baby and a ship-bound marine during the war who never wasted a book. Books were meant to be read, shared, lent, borrowed, or sold; they were never thrown away. I was eleven years old, in the sixth grade, when I first expressed my dissatisfaction with libraries and library books. In public libraries, I always selected more books than I could read in the two week limit they imposed. I would either incur a fine for overdue books, or return them half-read, or un-read. It was frustrating, and I expressed it to my Dad. That is when he told me that I could buy cheap books and own them for myself. I just had to bypass the hardcover books at “new book” stores, and purchase inexpensive paperbacks at used bookstores. I had never heard of used bookstores, but the prospect of actually owning my own novels was thrilling. Adults owned books, not children; I felt I was being offered an invitation into a new and exclusive club. That weekend, my dad and I drove to a colony of used bookstores near McArthur Park, in the Westlake part of Los Angeles. There he pointed out 2 or three small bookstores. Each store seemed a huge, never-ending, treasure trove of used paperback books. My father and I separated, and we each made our way through the rows of paperback books, in different aisles. I loved picking out a book that interested me, studying the cover art, and reading the summary on the back. Each paperback merited consideration, but I had a limit. My mother had advanced me $5.00 (a fortune in those days), and I had to maximize my money and spend it wisely. My dad and I would occasionally meet in an aisle; grunting a greeting, and not wanting to lose our place gazing at the bookcase, we would compare our progress to see what books we had selected so far. After about four hours of browsing, I was able to whittle down my selections to five novels, which I purchased. On the long drive home, as I gazed and inspected each book in my lap, I talked on and on to my dad. I explained why I had selected these novels, and in which order I would read them, and why. I felt that my father had allowed me to enter and participate in a private part of his life, and his love of reading. It was an experience that I never forgot – and always remember, whenever I walk into a new used bookstore.

Kathy and I finally did get to Barnes and Noble on Monday. I was a little disappointed at the selection they offered, feeling that Bank of Books provided more. I only bought three books there; The House of Seven Gables, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Torrents of Spring, by Ernest Hemingway, and Appointment in Samara, by John O’Hara. I never got around to reading them, but that wasn’t important; the point was to have them ready, just in case. Looking at the piles of novels we had purchased actually made the vacation longer. It reminded us that we could lose ourselves in words and fictional worlds, and enjoy doing so. We had a great vacation.

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Where the turf meets the surf
down at old Del Mar
take a plane
take a train
take a car.
There is a smile on every face
and a winner in each race
where the turf meets the surf
at Del Mar.
(Johnny Burke / Bing Crosby / James V. Monaco)

“Have you noticed that there are a lot of attractive women at a racetrack”, said Greg as he gazed across the crowded pavilion.
“Yea”, I said nodding, “They’re dressed up and they look great. Next year, I have to bring Kathy”.
“It’s not like going to a ball game. The women here look like they’re at a combined resort, cruise ship, and casino. It’s bizarre, but it’s nice”
We were in the Del Mar Racetrack grandstand, looking at the people below and around us. Sitting in the “Stretch Run” section of the stands, we could also look across the finish line to the men and women strolling through the infield section of the track. Jim, three of his six sisters, and their invited guests (old family friends from their neighborhood), were grouped and terraced in the seats below us. He had invited us to join his annual pilgrimage to one of the crown jewels of horse racing. Every summer, he, and a spontaneous collection of family and friends would drive down to Del Mar, California, for a day (and sometimes a weekend), at the races. He had been doing this for about eight years. I had joined this party on two other occasions, and Greg once. This year, when Jim offered us the tickets, we jumped at the opportunity to get together, despite our natural antipathy for gambling, and our (almost) total ignorance of the science of handicapping and betting on horses.

I hadn’t seen Jim since Christmas, when he came to my mom’s annual Christmas Eve Party. He had not joined any of our last “Amigos” reunions (Tres Mujeres, Rosarito-Ensenada Bike Ride) since our Pioneertown adventure (Sons of Pioneertown). I probably would have let the matter lay, except for a gentle reminder by my wife, Kathy. One day, as I was telling her about Greg’s response to a blog I had written (The Long and Winding Road), she casually said, “You know, if you don’t call Jim soon, you will have gone a full year without speaking to him”. This remark gave me pause to think about the fragile nature of friendships, and how easily (and naturally), friendship can be stretched, thinned, and dissolved, by time, indifference, and inattention. After spending so much of our lives together in high school, college, and as young bachelors, Jim, John, Greg, and I no longer met, hung out, or socialized on a regular basis. We have very distinct professions, separate social acquaintances, different family obligations, and we live far away from each other. If one of us did not occasionally (and intentionally), reach out, communicate, and initiate a reunion or get-together of some kind, it would never happen naturally. So, a few days after this conversation with Kathy, I called Jim to find out what he was doing and to arrange some midway place to meet.

If Greg, John, and I can be characterized as a Seer, Soldier, and Scribe (Tres Mujeres), then Jim would be the Scientist. He has a compulsively analytical mind that instinctively studies, computes, and manipulates data, numbers, events, and people. My invitation to “get together, someplace between Canoga Park and Bellflower” was simply too abstract an idea for Jim to process. He told me that he would consider my proposition, and call me back with some concrete suggestions. Two days later, he called to offer me two available tickets for his annual trip to the Del Mar races. Although she would have loved to have gone to the races for a full weekend, Kathy passed on the notion of an arduous drive to and from Del Mar, all on the same day. She suggested, instead, that I invite Greg, who lives in San Diego. She proposed that I take the train to San Diego, drive to Del Mar with Greg, spend the night in his condo, and, then, return home on Sunday. Greg was all for the idea, when I called him, and the train and racetrack adventure was set.

Railroad travel is a fascinating form of transportation for me. I rarely travel by railroad, so trains hold a special allure for me. Besides being extremely comfortable and relaxing (especially compared to airplanes), they evoke black and white, cinematic images and memories of my youth. Trains were the settings of mysteries, drama and adventurous encounters. The Union Pacific, Southern Pacific, and the Atchison, Topeka, and Santa Fe: these were call-names of iconic railroads I heard, or read about, in books, songs, and movies. These names summoned up pictures of the “Super Chief” traveling along seacoasts, and through mountains, deserts, and rolling farmland. Although, one no longer hears the “clack-clack-clack” of iron wheels on steel rails in the sealed, double-decker, air-conditioned coaches, of the modern Amtrak Pacific Surfliner, as it speeds along the tracks; I still see children standing in awe and waving as it rumbles by them.

Kathy dropped me off at the Los Angeles Union Station at about 6:45 a.m., on the morning of July 29th. Even at that time of the morning, a surprisingly large number of passengers were arriving and entering the vast building on Alameda. Younger passengers came quietly with backpacks and bags, while older arrivals carted their luggage on long-stemmed handles. The “click-click-click” sound of the tiny plastic wheels on tiled floors, echoed off the vaulted ceilings and mosaic walls, and appeared to awaken the fabled station from its evening slumber. My timing was impeccable, and I orchestrated a steady progression of actions in sequential order: purchasing my tickets, queuing up at the gate, walking through the tunnel under the tracks, boarding the Surfliner, and leaving the station at 7:30 a.m. The longest wait was the line for tickets; everything else went quickly and smoothly.

Leaving the train yards of Union Station is a unique experience, if one pays attention. The tracks run along the underbelly of downtown Los Angeles: by the County Jailhouse, with its stark, gray towers, and accordion, barbed-wire walls; through the bricked housing project called “Dogtown” by its longtime Chicano residents; and under the countless bridges that span the L.A. River, connecting East Los Angeles with downtown. Once out of the city proper, however, I lost interest in the monotonous scenery of back alleys and the rear of industrial warehouses, and turned my attention to other things. I had planned on spending my time on the train working on a story I was writing about the Venice Strand, or reading a book I brought along. Although I managed to do both at various times during the trip, both activities were interrupted by the conversations, and interactions I overheard from individuals who were seated in front and in back of me.

Normally, I am extremely annoyed by these types of verbal intrusions into my solitary traveling experience. These people can ruin entire trips (especially if they are sitting next to me), if I don’t succeed in ignoring them, or changing my seat. Kathy’s brothers and sisters consider this occurrence to be their particular family curse for some long forgotten sin; to be in a theatre, plane, or train, and find themselves sitting next to, or near, someone who speaks long, loudly and rudely, or feels obligated to engage them in conversation, for long periods of time. On this occasion I listened, off and on, to the conversations of three particular passengers, and found them surprisingly amusing. The first guy looked a little like the character Newman in the Seinfeld Show, and he sat with a group of three younger people at a card table arrangement in front of me. The second individual sat behind me. It turned out that he was a stowaway who boarded at Fullerton, and was ejected at Irvine. The third was a “Mr. Know All” type of person, who replaced the stowaway, and finished the trip to San Diego.

Newman was a tall, portly, balding, middle-aged man, with a loud and expansive voice, who appeared to be in the “entertainment business”. I never discovered exactly what he did “in the business”, but he dropped enough celebrity names in the course of his monologues to cast a billion dollar, star-studded movie, or three new T.V. series. Newman was doing all the talking, and, obviously, trying to impress all three members of the group (an attractive, 30-ish woman by his side, and a teenage couple sitting across). I assumed, at first, that they were a typical family unit, with a father who was trying to fill in the blanks of his recent absences from home. It was what I was not hearing, that intrigued me. I did not hear his “wife” chide him or try to rein in his braggadocio, and his “children” were not verbally encouraging or dismissing his pretensions. I began to wonder if they were actually listening. The one time the teenaged boy mentioned some topic about the comic book convention they were attending, Newman was all over it. He knew this writer, and that producer, who would also be at the convention. He disliked comics, himself, he said, preferring more existential literature, but he recognized their growing popularity, and wanted to be part of the trend. On and on he went with a pompous soliloquy about the Comic book Convention (Comic Con) in San Diego. I finally concluded that Newman was not the father of this group, but the date of the older woman, and was taking her, with her daughter and boyfriend, on a day trip to the Comic Con. Soon, everyone in the Newman party was silent. Eventually, he, too, stopped talking.

I never saw the stowaway who sat behind me. I first heard his voice when he boarded at Fullerton and asked the passenger behind me for permission to sit next to him. He had a clear, resonant, friendly voice, with a subtle southern accent. Over time, I imagined that he was male, 5-10 or 5-11, in good physical shape, single, and about 45 years of age. I could never tell if he was black or white, which made for interesting speculations, given the topics he spoke on. He was very jovial, animated, and quickly engaged his first seat mate in conversation. He sounded like a regular traveler, and when a young, African-American conductor came by to check tickets, the stowaway quickly recognized him and engaged him in animated conversation about his name and family. When the friendly conductor left, the stowaway resumed his conversation and began talking about train travel and promoting the benefits of commuting. He told his companion that he rarely drove to work anymore, and that he also took regular train trips on the weekends to explore the various stations and cities in Southern California. He seemed especially familiar with the San Diego run, and he even poked fun at the female conductor making exaggerated, energetic, and flamboyant P.A. announcements before and after each stop. The conductor was also warning passengers to expect a capacity train, and not to hoard seats.

His seatmate disembarked at the San Ana Station, and the stowaway was exposed soon after by a new conductor. The new official was a stern-looking, middle-aged, African-American woman, and she was not distracted by the stowaway’s engaging charm. She politely asked for his ticket, and then harshly told him that his weekday commuter pass was not valid on this train. The gig was up, and the only retreat for the stowaway was to apologize for believing that his weekday pass was good on weekends. The conductor ignored his excuses and bluntly told him that he would have to get off at the next station. The stowaway sounded so embarrassed and repentant after speaking with the conductor, that I was sure I would not hear another word from him. But as soon as another passenger filled the empty seat by his side, he was at it again. His new companion was a college freshman taking his first train trip to San Diego to see the Comic Con. He was very interested in what the stowaway had to say about Amtrak, train schedules, prices, and the cities on the way to San Diego. This naïve freshman seemed to energize the stowaway to disclose more personal information. I learned that the stowaway left the United States to work in Saudi Arabia after graduating from college in the 1980’s. In those days after the oil crisis, salaries were high and bonuses even better for expatriates who went to work in the Middle East. They lived on a converted military base, and were discouraged from visiting the local towns or mixing with the Arab citizens. Foreigners had to wait 6 months to apply for driver’s licenses, but that did not stop the stowaway from buying a car and driving illegally. He described traveling to the Red Sea, drinking, picnicking, and swimming in that inland ocean which was always warm. I was captivated by these stories of the Middle East, and Asia, and was sorry to hear the stowaway say that he had to leave when we arrived at the Irvine station. I never saw his face, but I’d remember his voice anywhere.

The third passenger replaced the stowaway right away, and what he lacked in charm and storytelling ability, he made up in endless talk and overwhelming information. Mr. Know All was an older college student from the state of Washington who was attending school in Irvine, California. He had a high pitched, whiny voice that never paused, even though he stuttered constantly. He had an opinion about EVERYTHING, and he insisted that his information was absolutely reliable. By the lack of response or commentary from his freshman traveling companion, I eventually imagined that Mr. Know All had gagged and strapped him to his seat while he lectured, and stuttered, adnauseam, on a variety of subjects from Irvine to San Diego. Mr. Know All, claimed that by going on-line and finding deals, he managed to buy a one-way train ticket from Seattle to San Francisco for $18.00, and for two dollars more, he could have gone all the way to Los Angeles. According to Mr. Know All, anyone who paid full price for train tickets was a fool. He admitted being a State of Washington booster, who annoyed his California friends by constantly pointing out the benefits and advantages of living in the Pacific Northwest (which begged the question, “What are you doing here?”). He was shocked to learn that the Junior College system in California demanded $40.00 a unit, when Washington only charged $20.00. However, despite his formal protests about the price gouging, he paid the tuition and enrolled. As the train passed the Del Mar racetrack, he noted that it had been built by Bing Crosby, and that horseracing was a virtual monopoly controlled by a cartel of track owners who never competed with each other (not that all monopolies were bad, he pointed out; Microsoft, a Washington-based company, for example, benefited all consumers). The one time his freshman seatmate interrupted the monologue was to ask about his portable Global Positioning System (GPS) device. This opened up a whole new area to explain. Mr. Know All was never without his personal GPS, because he wanted to know where he was at all times, especially when hiking and exploring. Before purchasing his model, he had researched the technology and concluded that Magellan was the best product available. He could drop it, drown it, and dirty it up, but his Magellan GPS would always tell him where in the world he was. He also explained how GPS worked; how it was originally developed and maintained as a top military secret for years, how locations are triangulated by circling satellites, and how Ronald Reagan commercialized the technology when the Russians threatened to expose it. Oddly enough, about the only thing Mr. Know All did not talk about was the Comic Con (probably because his companion might have had something to say about it). At the Old Town station I called Greg by cell phone and alerted him to my arrival. In my hurried actions to collect my reading and writing materials, I lost contact with Mr. Know All and his listening companion. I never saw what they looked like, or where they went.

The San Diego train station is at the southwestern tip of the downtown area, near the airport and the U.S. Naval Reservation, and it resembles most of the other stations I passed on my southern journey. It is a picturesque, solitary building, with two stately towers, alongside a single train track. None of the stations south of Los Angeles exceeded this one building, one track limit. In fact, Union Station in Los Angeles was the only terminus that had multiple tracks, off-loaded passengers in a massive train yard, and required a long walk to the station complex. Not knowing where Greg would be, I followed the exiting crowd and walked toward the front of the train. There I caught sight of my San Diegan friend. We met at the intersection of the tracks with Kettner Blvd, and walked the short distance to his condo.

Greg has lived in and around the San Diego area for the last 30 years. He originally worked as a teacher and administrator in Encinitas, while living in Escondido. Paradoxically, he purchased this small bachelor condo, in the middle of a developing downtown area, after accepting his first job as Superintendent of a small elementary school district outside of Sacramento. The Spartan condo provided him with a good investment, and the ability to stay in touch with family and friends in the San Diego area, while working up north. He never expected it to be ground zero for the building explosion that occurred in this section of San Diego, at the turn of the century. He is now surrounded by countless high-rise hotels, condominiums, and apartments, and within walking distance of a marina, downtown, the airport, train station, convention center, and ballpark. He lives in a bachelor’s paradise.

After dropping my overnight bag at his place, we walked to a nearby outdoor café for coffee and muffins, to breathe in the crisp morning air, and to catch up on the latest news of family and friends. As we talked, a continuous procession of people trooped past us. What had been a fleeting topic of conversations on the train was now a visible, mass migration of humanity. Hundreds of young people were walking and chattering along Kettner Blvd. They came from the train and trolley stations, parking lots, and from the nearby hotels. They came casually and comfortably dressed in jeans and shorts, except for the occasional, formally dressed superhero, Klingon warrior, and barbarian princess. They were all enroute to the San Diego Convention Center on W. Harbor Drive and the Comic Con International. Neither Greg nor I were enthusiasts of this annual convention, but each of us was able to contribute information that the other did not know. Greg told me that the Comic Con was the largest convention that the city hosted (which was quite a feat in this convention town), and that its fans pretty much dominated the town from Thursday through Sunday. I had been hearing about this convention for years. My two brothers, Eddie and Alex, had come to a few, and I knew Prisa’s boyfriend, Joe, was in attendance this year. They, along with my son, Tony, had also described it to me on a few occasions. It was the “hajj”, the pilgrimage, which true comic book aficionados must make at least once in their lifetime. The Comic Con had grown from its origins as a regional convention of comic book publishers, writers, illustrators, and fans, into a billion dollar, show business phenomenon. The Comic Con was now a mixture of Cannes, the Sundance Movie Festival, Hollywood, New York, and Wall Street, all rolled into one convention. It had evolved from a pulp media gathering into an international business convocation that included executives, investors, and producers of movies, television, advertising, art, and culture. The Comic Con was HUGE, but it could not escape its original, comic-fantasy roots: adolescents (and former adolescents) still dressed up as Spiderman and Starfleet officers, and brought their comics to be autographed.

“Do you want to go see it?” Greg asked as I finished my coffee.
“Absolutely”, I replied. “How can we be in San Diego at this moment and not see the Comic Con phenomenon?” 
We melded into a crush of people and joined the movement down the street. The excitement was electric among the pedestrians, and the anticipation crackled between them as we came closer and closer to the convention center entrance. I crossed to the other side of Harbor Drive to take photographs, but quickly returned to the friendly and positive aura of the crowd. The entrance to the Convention Center looked like the Los Angeles International Airport on the eve of Thanksgiving. It was impossible to move in any direction except with the momentum of the crowd. One stream of people flowed north, while the other flowed south, along the extended entry way of the mile-long center. We walked along, laughing, snapping pictures, and saying good morning to the faces walking with us and by us. At the southern tip of the building, we crossed to the opposite side of the street to get a different perspective of this event. I’d been to the San Diego Convention Center on other occasions, but I had never seen it totally filled, and sold out, the way it was on that day.

 

On our walk back to the condo, Greg pointed out other points of interest: the “tenderloin” section of downtown, Petco Stadium, a rickshaw girl who looked like Paris Hilton, and the Martin Luther King sidewalk park containing many of his memorable quotations. We stopped at Greg’s local pub for a quick beer and to organize ourselves for our trip to Del Mar, and the 2:00 p.m. post time. Neither of us are gamblers, and we know nothing about horseracing. It kills me to lose money. I feel like I’m pouring money down a drain when I put quarters in a slot machine, or place bets on a table. I’ve only enjoyed gambling on two occasions: once in Lake Tahoe, during a state education convention, when I was guided through the intricacies of craps by another principal and friend; and the first time Jim invited Greg and me to Del Mar. On both occasions I knew nothing about the game I was playing, but I was having a great time and money was not important. Greg actually won money on that first visit to Del Mar. Jim’s younger brother Jerry talked him into putting $10.00 on a racehorse combination that “couldn’t miss” and he was right. That bet turned a $200 profit for Greg, and it was evidence of the hot streak that Jerry rode into a winning day at the races. By the time we left the pub, we had a mild buzz and a four point plan for the day: enjoy ourselves at the races, have a few beers, learn a little more about betting, and hope that Jim or Jerry was lucky.

Everything and everyone in and around the Del Mar racetrack vibrated with optimism and excitement. Traffic and parking guides gave big welcoming smiles as they pointed us in the correct direction, racing sheet vendors promised big winnings for only $2.00, and long-legged college girls pleaded with their fresh-faced dates to stop at the fraternity parties situated in exclusive areas along the walkway. We postponed our questions and comments about these strange sights and sounds, and trusted that the wave of humanity we rode would deposit us at the right place. It was invigorating moving in this lemming-like migration, going from booth, to pavilion, to ticket entrance along the exterior promenade, and finally the Del Mar grandstand. We arrived at our “Stretch Run” seats about an hour before post time, and met Jim’s contingent of family and friends as they were walking in. Their tale of roadway blues confirmed the good advice I received about making this a two day trip and traveling by train. Before we settled in to plan our betting strategy with Jim and his sisters, however, Greg and I decided to take advantage of the Microbrew Festival and Concert promotion in the Infield section of the track. Neither of us had ever been to a racetrack “infield”, and the promise of free beer was a fine way to begin a day at the races.

 

When we returned with beers in hand (and one for Jim), we were ready to analyze our handicapping choices for the first races of the day. Greg had already purchased “Duke’s Racing Form”. We intended to use Duke’s picks, along with Jim’s reasoned preferences (Jerry did not come on this trip), and our “lucky intuitions”, to triangulate some winning combinations for each race. From our previous encounters with racing, we had graduated from placing $2 bets on individual horses to win, place, or show, to selecting exacta or trifecta combinations for each race. After choosing our favorite horses for the first 4 races, we interrogated Jim to learn the correct terminology needed to place our particular bets. In racing, one does not go up to the betting window to chat or question the cashier. Speed and accuracy are essential in Para mutual gaming because there are time limits. If you don’t know what to say, or how to say it, you should not be in line. Track betting is serious business and regular handicappers despise tenderfoot questions or mistakes. The standard ritual for placing a bet to a cashier is a five step verbal process: 1) Name the track (people may be placing bets on races at other tracks, that day, i.e., Santa Rosa, Arlington Park, Saratoga, etc); 2) Name the race number; 3) State the wager amount; 4) State the bet; and 5) Choose the horses by number.

When I finally went up to the cashier to place my first bet, I looked at my notes and said: “Del Mar, first race, one dollar, trifecta box, on numbers 2, 3, and 5”. The cashier entered the bet and said, “Six dollars, please”, as she laid the ticket on the counter. It had taken me 30 minutes to research, discuss, script, and place that bet. All of my experts were in agreement on the horses (Duke, Jim, and Greg), and Jim had taught me the all-important betting phrase “box”. This addition to the bet meant that I would win when any of my chosen horses, in any sequence, placed first, second, or third in the race. I thought it was a sure thing as I watched my three horses’ alternate positions for the first 4 furlongs of the 6 furlong race. It was a sweet ride until Ces’t Mark, the number 5 horse, and one of the favorites, came up lame at the last furlong and failed to finish the race. That race foretold the results of all the subsequent wagers we made that day. Greg and I went 0 for 9 on the races, and 0 for 2 on the two side wagers on a Pick 3 and Pick 4. By the end of the 9th Race, we had lost all confidence in our ability to choose a winning horse, or combination. At that point we were desperately looking for a way to cut our losses and salvage our egos. We figured we still had sufficient funds for a fine Mexican dinner and pitchers of margaritas at Fidel’s in Solano Beach. So, Greg and I left early to reserve a table for the group who would follow.

“I can’t believe we didn’t pick a single winner all day”, I said, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Yea, me neither”, said Greg. “Maybe if Jerry had been here, we would have been luckier”.
As we drove through Solano Beach, with the windows down and the ocean air clearing the car and our minds of the afternoon’s losses, I couldn’t help reflect on the gamut of activities and emotions I’d experienced that day. It had really been an incredibly eventful and busy day, and it was not over, there was a dinner to enjoy with old friends, and a casual drive back to San Diego for the evening. The purpose of the day had been to reunite with friends, and enjoy ourselves in the process. The only bump in the road was not cashing in a winning ticket. That experience would have to happen on another day. Bing Crosby had predicted it in his song: I’d taken a train and a car to old Del Mar, where someone (not me) had a winner in each race, and I was leaving with a smile on my face. All in all, it had been a fine day, with marvelous friends.

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The first thing I noticed about the main street of Redondo Beach was that there was no parking. Cars occupied every available space in front of the stores, boutiques, and restaurants situated along Catalina Ave. When I turned the corner, and drove around the back of the storefronts, however, I found an empty city lot, with row after row of solitary parking meters, like forlorn crosses in a Veteran’s cemetery. I truly expected to find free parking this far away from the main street. I guess I’d been away from the South Bay too long. I could feel the first germinating buds of irritation start to break through my subconscious as I maneuvered my Volkswagen into a vacant space. I had been driving for over 2 and a half hours, and I was primed to become upset about something, anything. Then, I was rescued by an inspiration, “Wait a minute, I can use my change!” I’d been hoarding quarters in my coin purse for weeks, and it was bulging with “silver”. My pants pocket felt like I was carrying an anchor, and I was always listing to the port side. This was a great opportunity to unburden myself of this oppressive weight and move on. I dropped “eight bits” into the slot; and was further rewarded with the bonus news that there was no charge after 6:00 P.M. There was free parking in Redondo Beach - at least after 6 o’clock.

My spirit was clearly conspiring to keep me buoyant and happy on this particular Saturday afternoon. I had driven down from Canoga Park to celebrate the graduation of Carlos (“Carlitos”), the son of my brother Arturo (Art) and his wife Elia, from California State University, Fullerton. He had earned a degree in Fine Arts, and was now pursuing his dream of becoming a professional photojournalist. After witnessing the struggles of my own two children through college, and watching the trials and tribulations of other nieces and nephews, I was much more sensitive to the difficulties and obstacles that university students contend with these days. I missed Carlitos’ high school graduation and party, 5 years earlier, so I was committed to sharing this important milestone in his life. I was very proud of his accomplishment, and wanted to demonstrate my pride with my presence at his celebration.

The movie, Carlito’s Way , starring Al Pacino, is about a “small-time” drug dealer’s attempts at changing himself and becoming a legitimate businessman. I saw the theme in the movie as the human need to set high and lofty personal goals, and then struggling to achieve them. Ironically, the quest sometimes becomes nobler than the attainment, because the fate of man is so often failure. The movie came to my mind as I was driving to Hennessey’s pub. Actually, it wasn’t so much the story that first attracted me (although it was applicable), as it was the title. “What a perfect title for a blog about Carlitos” I thought, “as he seeks the artist’s way”. Carlitos also reminds me a little of a young Pacino: he is slight, intense, talented, and full of nervous, creative energy. I thought that with an interesting working title, the story would write itself, and the connections with the movie would emerge naturally.

I had no clue of the scope or make-up of this party. I’d received an email graduation announcement from Carlitos about a month ago, and I’d responded with a card and a gift. A month later, an email invitation to this graduation party followed. Through earlier contacts and phone communications, I knew that, with the exception of Kathy, who had a conflicting retirement party to attend, and Prisa, who was out of the city, my son, and most of my family would be there. This certainty was keeping my spirits up, after the long car ride. It would be great fun to see and speak with my brothers and sisters, in a clearly festive environment, where we were all showing our pride and joy at Carlitos’ achievement.

It was 4:30 P.M. as I walked into Hennessey’s, but I saw no familiar faces as I scanned the dark, wooded interior of the Irish pub. I was a little unnerved and uncertain at this discovery. “Is this the right place? Am I too early?” I wondered. In my family, ‘being on time” is a compulsion that we (with the exception of Art) inherited from my mom, and her side of the family. Mercifully, my father’s family was spared this trait. They had a more personal (some would say, Mexican), and self-serving concept of time. For them, a starting time, or a deadline, was more of a suggestion than a requirement. Art was the only sibling to manifest this tardy predilection, and he suffered a lifetime of disapproving looks and dismayed glances on arrivals, as a consequence. The imperative to be early, rather than risking the humiliation of being late, is a family disorder that Kathy finally helped me control (at least socially). The invitation said 4:30 P.M., so I was a little disconcerted to find no one there. I decided to relax at the bar and investigate with a drink.

When I asked the bartender if there was a party booked for the restaurant, she pointed upstairs, to a room I had not seen on my arrival. Climbing the stairs, I entered a shaded, open-air room, where I found my mom, Stella, Gracie, and Eddie, already there, finishing their first drink, and about to order another. I knew I was back in the comfortable familiarity of my family’s neurosis.

There are some advantages to being early; it gives you time to inspect the field, choose your ground, and control the action and conversation. In this setting, when the only four people present were family members, we would be able to talk exclusively with each other, and strictly about family matters. I had not seen all of my siblings together since Christmas, and even then, with so many people, children, and grandchildren present, there was never a real opportunity to talk in any depth. I’d managed to get together with Eddie and Alex on occasion (see Hang’in in the Pontiac Lounge and The 300 Spartans),  so I was pretty up-to-date with them, but this was not the case with the rest. I was particularly interested in finding out what was new with Gracie, the “baby girl” of the family, since her move back to Los Angeles from San Francisco.

Gracie is, without a doubt, the most interesting member of the family. Her independence, self-sufficiency, and willful imperative to follow her own course of action through life, has always been a source of wonder, envy, and admiration. Gracie was the first person to leave college and work at a full time job after our father’s death in 1971. She was the first to marry, raise two children, establish office manager careers in universities, and then hospitals, divorce amicably, and then made a difficult career transition to hospital administration. The move that really rocked me was her decision to leave Los Angeles, and accept a position as a hospital director in San Francisco. Her boys would move to Portland, Oregon, to live with their father, while she pursued a new, independent career, in a strange city, living alone. I could not believe the nerve, courage, and sacrifice required for that kind of decision, and action. I was in awe.

The earliest hint of this adventurous spirit was in 1966, when I convinced Gracie, a high school sophomore at the time, to cut school, and help me “rush for classes” in my freshman year at UCLA. Art and Stella had turned me down flat. They were not going to ditch school, wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning, and drive to a dark, foreign and scary place, to stand in line for me, as I tried to register for additional classes. I remember leaving Gracie in the semi-darkness of early morning, standing alone in a line of huge college strangers, promising that I would return before she got to the front. I was too late. Not only did I fail to enroll in the class I was waiting for, but by the time I got back, she had been displaced from her line as well. Gracie looked small, miserable, and depressed, when I found her. She was angry with herself. She felt like a failure for being intimidated by the impatient collegians and the foreign surroundings. Her anguish quieted my own disappointment, and forced me to assume my brotherly role of comforter. I took her to eat at the Student Union and confessed that my scheme had been risky from the start. On the bright side, I pointed out; it had provided her with a day off from school, and a marvelous adventure that we would never forget. There we were, a brother and sister who had challenged a mighty university system, together, breakfasting on a college campus, like two “real adults”. It was a special day, even though some might consider it a “failure”.

Gracie filled me in on the latest; her Westwood job, the new apartment in Ocean Park, her new car, and how her boys and two grandchildren were doing in Oregon. She was most excited about signing up at a health club and working out with a personal trainer. The regular and deliberate exercise regime was showing benefits at work and home. She was working, eating, and feeling better than ever. She also looked great. At 55, Gracie is in her peak years, where her talents, interests, and abilities are recognized and showcased, at work, at home, and in popular culture media. Gracie has the rare distinction of being mentioned by a bestselling author, in a book about older, single women who are happy and satisfied with their lives, and who are not looking for a new, or an original, spouse. In Gail Sheehy’s Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, 2006, page 197-199, Gracie is described as “a Latina woman, with blonded hair and caramel-colored skin, who obviously takes care of herself, and seems planted, stable, and earthy.”

 

We talked a little more, shared jogging stories, and then joined a discussion with Stella and Eddie. At about 5 o’clock, Art and Elia, the host and hostess of the party, arrived with Elie, their daughter. The party had officially begun.

Art was beaming with so much pride and happiness, that he could have illuminated the entire city of Redondo Beach. He orchestrated all the conversations at the party to focus on Carlitos. He interrogated each of us to make sure that we knew of his degree, his achievements in photojournalism, and his website . He also “happened to have” many samples of his portfolio, which he quickly shared with us. I tried teasing him about the overabundance of photos showing beach-clad, female volleyball players on the website, but Art was not to be sidetracked. This party was about Carlitos. It was clear that Carlitos had maximized his university experience and education, by gaining valuable training as a photographer in many local newspapers, magazines, and journals. Art had invested (time and money) in his son’s talent, and Carlitos appeared to have the determination to succeed. With his father’s support, Carlos was well on his way to a viable career as a photojournalist, a tough and merciless professional.



The other topic of conversation was from whom Carlos had inherited his talents: because he obviously “did not lick it off the grass”. Carlos is actually the latest in a long line of artists and photographers on my father’s side of the family. My father, and his brother Ricardo (Kado), were both professional photographers. My father had gone to art school after the war, and after a period of ordinary jobs (reading meters for the Department of Water and Power, and baking bread for Foix Bakery), he finally landed a position in a photography studio, which was managed by two old school mates in 1959. He eventually became the manager of this West Los Angeles studio, until his heart attack and later death. Kado learned his craft in the Navy, and then went to work for my dad, until he separated to start his own independent studio. Art, too, was no slouch as a photographer. Although he lacked formal training, he had a gifted eye and a natural inclination for the visual arts and photography. Arturo was the only member of the family to win a scholarship to art school. He spent a summer (during high school) learning and refining the skills of sketching and drawing. He looked quite French and imposing with his sketchbook, charcoal crayons, and oversized picture portfolio. However, because of his high marks in traditional academic subjects, Art was never encouraged to pursue his talents for the arts. It was only later in life that I realized he never abandoned his urge to create. Besides drawing, Art, also, taught himself photography and music (on the piano). To me, Art is clearly the most naturally talented person in the family. This probably explains (and excuses) many of his annoying eccentricities.

The third wave of guests to arrive was Alex and his wife Julie, and Tonito and Jonaya. Their entrance signaled the moment to sit down, at a horseshoe shaped table, in preparation for dinner.

At this point, an odd thing happened. I gravitated to the side of the room where my mother and siblings were positioning themselves to sit. Tony and Jonaya, on the other hand, moved to the opposite end, away from everyone. There were many available seats, and lots of space in this area, but no people, and no member of my family seemed inclined to displace themselves from their earlier staked-out territory. I watched this dynamic evolve for a while, as Alex barraged me with questions, hoping to catch up quickly on the news and discussions he had missed. When it appeared certain that Tony and Jonaya were not relocating closer, and no one from my family was moving, I decided to act. This spatial divide pointed out the absence of Prisa and Kathy. Their presence would have ameliorated this situation immediately, by dissolving the family’s exclusivity, and encouraging a more heterogeneous mixture of people. Prisa’s sitting location would have attracted a coterie of cousins and uncles around her. Kathy would have moved from one seat to another, making sure that everyone felt included, and tied together. With both of them out of action today, however, the responsibility fell on me. I took a seat across from my son and his fiancée, positioning myself in such a way as to avoid showing my back to my family. I did not wish to exclude them, or close them off. It was awkward for a while, but it worked.

 

Carlitos and his girl friend arrived just as we ordered our meals. He had been on a photo assignment, shooting pictures for a local newspaper. He was flushed from work, and embarrassed with all the attention he was receiving. Once served, we settled into a youthful meal of great hamburgers, fish and chips, and cold amber beer.

I spent much of this time speaking with Tonito and Jonaya. Jonaya had just arrived from New Jersey, and she too had recently graduated (from Williams College in Massachusetts). She, coincidently, was also pursuing a career in photography; so much of our talk was about the future and her plans about work. At one point, she mentioned that some of her graduate friends had already landed lucrative jobs, and were earning salaries of over $100,000. She wistfully said there were many things she could do with a salary of one hundred thousand dollars. I pointed out that, in my experience, too much money, too fast, was not a good thing; the slow and gradual accumulation of affluence, comforts, and wisdom, was easier on the spirit, and more beneficial. When she insisted on her ability to resist the ill effects of immediate wealth and success, I decided to lighten the argument (while still making my point). I had just seen the 1991 movie, Grand Canyon , that morning, and I was again struck by one particular line of dialogue. As Alex walked by, I included him in making my point by pitching him a “softball” question.
“Alex, what is that line by Steve Martin, in the movie Grand Canyon?”
“Oh, that’s a great one”, he responded. “I think it goes, ‘You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies’.”
“That’s it”, I said.
“Jonaya”, I pointed out, “you just haven’t seen enough movies. This issue has been answered in some movie. You just need to see the right one, and you’ll find out about the evils of money”.
“What movie?” she asked, with raised eyebrow.
I had a movie in mind, but
at that moment, my memory failed me, and I drew a blank on the title. The balance of my entire argument hung on the timing of my response. So, I quickly sought Alex’s aid, once again.
“Al, what was the name of that movie with Al Pacino and the guy from Matrix? You know, the one where Pacino offers him the world in exchange for his soul?”
“Oh”, Alex replied, “you mean The Devil’s Advocate!”
“I knew you were going to cite that movie!” chimed in Tonito, with a laugh.
He had been silently monitoring our argument the whole time, without saying word - until now. I knew he got the point I was making, but all he did was laugh.

The party ended in a flurry of toasts, congratulations, and gifts. Carlitos, as always, was understated in his emotions and response, but he was clearly moved and appreciative of the attention and generosity. By the time I left, the sun was beginning to set, so it must have been around 8 o’clock. It would be dark by the time I arrived home.

 

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“The long and winding road that leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Leads me to your door”
The Beatles
The drive from Canoga Park to Redondo Beach is from the northwestern boundary of Los Angeles County to a beach city near the southern limit. It is a long, arduous, two and a half hour freeway drive of 35 miles, complicated further by 6 additional miles of complex and intricate seaside city traffic. It is not a journey I relish making, so I need a compelling reason to do so. On this particular Saturday, I felt a strong need to go. Our family was gathering at Hennessey’s Tavern, in Redondo Beach, to celebrate the graduation of Carlos (Carlitos), the son of my brother Arturo (Arthur) and his wife Elia, as a photo-journalist, from California State University at Fullerton.

As a native of Los Angeles, I sometimes find these long freeway and seaside treks interesting, especially when I approach them in a positive and leisurely fashion. Driving on a well traveled, familiar route, on freeways and through streets and communities that have personal and historical connections, can be fun and nostalgic. So, to insure tranquility, peace of mind, and enjoyment, I select specific CD’s to sustain my upbeat and adventurous mood, and I write deliberately detailed directions to my destination. I want to know exactly how to get there. I do not want to waste time or emotions worrying about which street, what turn, or why I didn’t plan more carefully. After carefully, tracing the route on my Thomas Brothers map book, I wrote the following:

“Shoup, south, to 101;
101, east, to 405;
405, south, to Rosecrans;
Right on Rosecrans, to Aviation;
Left on Aviation (past Artesia), to Pacific Coast Hwy;
Left on PCH (past Herondo/Anita), to N. Catalina Ave;
Right on Catalina (past Torrance), to Hennessey’s, 1712 S. Catalina Ave.

Now, while these handwritten notes may describe the route to Hennessey’s Pub, they can never convey the “long and winding road” my mind will take on this meandering journey to Redondo.

Shoup Street begins on a hill overlooking West Hills and Canoga Park. Looking down into such a densely populated suburban community, I’m always struck by the abundance of trees and green foliage I see. Gazing south toward Ventura Boulevard (Blvd) and Woodland Hills, all one can see is a verdant, forest-like area, with an occasional arid spot of roofing, stucco and cement peeking through. The drive along Shoup confirms that there are actually a multitude of homes, apartments, businesses and shops along the way, but scores of trees, pines, and palms surround them, and hide them. Canoga Park, and much of the west San Fernando Valley is remarkably green and lush, the visible vestiges of its agricultural past.

At the intersection of Shoup and Ventura Blvd, I merge onto Interstate Highway (Hwy) 101, formerly called the Ventura Freeway (Fwy), heading east. In my youth, when freeways were still novel constructions, and few in number, they were still called by their christened names: the Pasadena Fwy, the Hollywood Fwy, the Golden State Fwy, the Santa Ana Fwy, and the Harbor Fwy. Over time and the arrival of more and more emigrants from other parts of the country who were more comfortable with numbered designations for state and interstate highways, this practice ceased. I also think that “out-of-towners” found the name changes and variations confusing. For example, the Ventura Fwy going east, changes its name when it divides into the Glendale Fwy (Hwy 134) and the Hollywood Fwy (Hwy 101) into the city. On the other hand, if you are on the Hollywood Fwy (Hwy 101) traveling north from downtown, Hwy 170 takes over the Hollywood name, and Hwy 101 becomes the Ventura Fwy (all the way to Ventura). Clearly, it is simpler to refer to the interstate highways by number, but I found that freeways lost much of their local charm and character when the practice of calling them by name stopped. They were no longer personal avenues of travel that had actual destinations, now they were merely numbered highways.

Passing Topanga Canyon (Cyn) Blvd, the woodsy feel of the West San Fernando Valley continued to amaze me. Except for the mini-skyline of Warner Center, hills, rocks, trees, and clusters of wood stands dominated both sides of the horizon, and effectively hid, or camouflaged homes, the apartments, and buildings that abound. At one time, Topanga represented the frontier limits of the Valley, and the northwest reaches of Los Angeles County, now it is just another major transportation artery. The first time I remember traveling to Topanga was in 1976, when, as newly weds living in Santa Monica, Kathy drove me there for a Mount St. Mary College alumnae party of some kind in Chatsworth. I’d driven past Topanga many times, in route to Santa Barbara and San Luis Obispo, but I’d never explored the area. That was my first orientation to this western border town. Canoga Park had three malls (Topanga Mall, The Promenade, and the Fallbrook Mall), a small town center, and a slowly withering aerospace industry. Its western boundary, which would secede in 1987 to become the community of West Hills, is also the headwaters of the Los Angeles River, which flows through the valley, into the city, and out towards San Pedro Harbor. Even in 1976, Canoga Park (originally called the town of Owensmouth) seemed like a residential frontier outpost that served the needs of the provincial communities surrounding it. Chatsworth was one of these satellite areas, populated by horse ranches and rambling western-style residences.

Driving past Woodland Hills and Pierce College, I saw the freeway off ramp sign indicating that I was passing through the community of Tarzana. That sign, or one like it, was my first memory of this freeway on a family outing to some recreational park in 1963, when I was a sophomore in high school. I had just discovered the fictional world of Edgar Rice Burroughs, and was devouring all the Tarzan and John Carter paperback novels I could find in used bookstores. While reading these sci-fi and romantic adventure tales, I’d also stumbled on the fact that Burroughs actually lived in a California community named after his fictional hero. I found this fact intriguing, but not compelling enough for me to search out the actual location of Tarzana. Now this sign had serendipitously solved that mystery. Tarzana was right in the middle of the San Fernando Valley, and, although it was no equatorial jungle, at the time of my discovery, it still contained miles and miles of trees, and row after row of orange groves and orchards.

The White Oak Blvd off ramp in Reseda was, and is my most nostalgic freeway marker. This was the sign that communicated “home” for the most crucial years of our marriage. Reseda was the site of our first house in 1977. The home where Tonito and Prisa were born and raised, attended school, and made their first holy communion. This was the neighborhood we explored by baby carriage, on foot, and by car. It was where Kathy and I learned the frailties of parenting, and the joys of raising children. Reseda was the place we could invite and host Kathy’s younger brothers and sisters whenever they wanted to drop by, visit, or swim, and to celebrate birthdays and parties.

The arboreal ambience of the west Valley builds to a mighty crescendo as I drive into the Sepulveda Dam Recreational Area and the Balboa and Woodley Parks, which border the freeway as I approach the 101 and 405 interchange. However, if I were to continue driving east into the mid-valley region, there would be a sudden and shocking city tone and feel to the surrounding communities. These areas lay “north of the Boulevard” (Ventura Blvd). The wooded hills, “south of the Boulevard” harbor the affluent homes and residences that guard the passes into the cities of Westwood, West Hollywood, and Beverly Hills. They look down on the more plebian homes and businesses of Van Nuys, Northridge, North Hollywood, Pacoima, and Sun Valley.

The freeway interchange of the Ventura and San Diego Fwy is the busiest in America. This interstate crossroad ranks first as the worst highway bottleneck in the United States, with 318,000 vehicles using it every day. It marks the transition point where vehicles, their drivers, and even some passengers, enter or exit the three worlds of Los Angeles on a daily basis: the San Fernando Valley, the Westside and South Bay areas, and Hollywood and downtown Los Angeles. Each of these worlds has its own unique urban culture, attitude, and prejudices. This fact is further complicated by the existence of a plethora of sub-cultures within each of these three geographical areas. Although they all live “on the Westside”, a Venice resident is different from a Marina del Rey resident, who is different from a Santa Monica resident, who is different from an Ocean Park resident. They may all live within a 10-mile radius, but their identities and loyalties lie with their immediate neighborhoods.  However, while geographical location defines us and separates us, the one thing that transcends regionalism and ties us all together is the automobile. The ability to drive, visit, move, work, and live in different parts of the city is what unites us all. “Angelinos” are not serfs, trapped on one parcel of land for their entire lives. A Los Angeles native could easily have lived in, and traveled through, the following locations: Born in East Los Angeles, and moved to Silver Lake for kindergarten through grade 5. Moved to Venice to finish elementary school, attended high school in Playa del Rey, and then graduated from UCLA in Westwood. Dated and married a girl who lived in Van Nuys, lived, first, in Santa Monica, moved to Reseda, worked in Los Angeles, West Hollywood, and El Sereno, and finally settled in Canoga Park. The Ventura and San Diego Interchange symbolizes the freedom and fluidity that cars provide us. On one day, I can drive from Canoga Park to work in Los Angeles, visit family in Alhambra, and meet Kathy and Prisa for dinner in Santa Monica. That is the culture and lifestyle of Southern California.

The first off ramp at this interchange (Ventura Blvd) is adjacent to the northern sentinel of the Sepulveda Pass, the old Hilton Hotel (now a Radisson Hotel). For the longest time I can remember, this hotel was the tallest structure in the San Fernando Valley, and it could be seen for miles and miles. Today, it also marks the turnoff to Tony’s “carriage house” in Sherman Oaks. Despite living away at college in Washington D.C. and Santa Barbara, he moved back into the Valley after graduation. Over the last few years, he has even become a strong proponent of the area’s culturally diverse and interesting lifestyle.

Climbing south on the San Diego Fwy, I consciously marked the point I reached Mulholland Drive. This is the highest point of the Sepulveda Pass, and it is the climatic divide between the Valley and the Westside. The outside temperature immediately drops by 5 degrees, and it will continue to descend as I drive through the pass, and make my way to the ocean. I always marveled at this change during the 3 years I made this passage from Venice to Van Nuys when dating and courting Kathy. “Why would people put up with this heat?” I wondered, as I crested these hills on a weekly and daily basis to see Kathy. “How can people live here?” I would say, as I shook my head in wonderment. Five years later, I discovered the answer for myself, when we purchased a home in Reseda - fiscal practicality. Homes in the San Fernando Valley were simply larger, and more affordable than homes on the Westside, despite the warmer temperatures.

As I drove on, paralleling Sepulveda Blvd, I was astonished at the changes I’ve seen along this stretch of highway, carved from the Santa Monica Mountains, 45 years ago. Mountaingate Country Club sits atop land that was created from a landfill, when this freeway opened in the 1960’s, and only chaparral dominated the eastern slope. The last remnants of this landfill are two white, circular storage tanks, and a rectangular shaped building, with a checkerboard façade, located on the western side of Sepulveda Blvd, just before it crosses under the freeway to continue on the eastern side. Near this storage complex is a large venting pipe that can still be seen burning off the escaping methane gas. However, the most dramatic change to these Brentwood hills was the construction of the J. Paul Getty Center, which now dominates the hills overlooking the Los Angeles basin, from ocean to skyline. The passage through the Sepulveda Pass ends at Sunset Blvd, with its iconic circular hotel (originally a Holiday Inn), acting as a mute sentinel to the southern boundary.

 

Continuing south, my attention was drawn to the Los Angeles National Cemetery on the east side of the freeway. For as long as I can remember this area was completely enclosed and hidden from view by trees and hedges along Sepulveda Blvd.  I never suspected it was a cemetery until, while I attending UCLA, I read the inscription on the Spanish American War Monument on Wilshire Blvd, dedicating the federal cemetery to those killed in that conflict. With that information, all the federal development and construction in that area made sense: the imposing Federal Building, across the street from the cemetery, and the huge Veterans Administration Hospital complex, that ran along on the westside of the freeway, and on both sides of Wilshire. The whole area was a federal reserve that managed to prevent some of the commercial exploitation that was just beginning in the late 1960’s.

Wilshire Blvd is the gateway to Westwood, and the campus of the University of California at Los Angeles (UCLA). Today, that area is very different from the tiny Village that I explored on foot, between Wilshire and Le Conte Ave, as a student from 1966 to 1970. In those days, one could actually drive along Westwood Blvd, past Kinross, Broxton, and Le Conte, right through the middle of campus, and connect with W. Sunset Blvd at the northern end. That is impossible now. Commercial monoliths now tower over Wilshire and Westwood Boulevards, dominating this once quiet college community, and casting perpetual shadows over its streets. A massive skyline now fills the northern horizon as I drive past, blocking any hint of the beautiful campus, with its hills, original brick buildings, and expansive lawns and athletic fields.

Wilshire also marked a perennial gridlock zone on the San Diego Fwy. From this point, southbound traffic would crawl all the way to the Los Angeles International Airport. This was true in 1966, and it is worse today. As an undergrad, and graduate student, I rarely took the freeway home to nearby Venice. Whether by car, on motor scooter, or bicycle, I would prefer to take Gayley Ave out of Westwood, cross over to Veteran Ave (which it paralleled) until Ohio, and take Ohio to Sawtelle Blvd. Sawtelle would get me to Palms Blvd, where I would make a right onto McLaughlin Ave., and then take it to Washington Place. Washington Place would take me all the way home to my door on Yale Ave, a mile and a half from the beach. If I was stuck on this stretch between Wilshire and Century (like today), the elevated freeway provided some scenic opportunities as I traveled through this expansive basin area. On very clear days, you can see far to the east, and spot the Miracle Mile skyline on Wilshire, and even downtown Los Angeles. However, you can always count on seeing the familiar landmarks of Culver City, with Baldwin Hills as background: the MGM studios with its prominent sign, water tower, and billboard, the wide, white tower overlooking Veterans Memorial Park on Culver Blvd, and the spiked, grey steeple of St. Augustine’s Catholic Church.

Crossing the La Ballona (Whale) Creek wash and Jefferson Blvd, I was reminded that this was the quickest way to Loyola Marymount University (LMU) and St. Bernard High School. As a senior at St. Bernard, I crisscrossed this part of town on a weekly basis. I was one of the few students who were old enough to drive at that time, so I acted as chauffeur and carpool driver for my family and school friends. I would drive to and from soccer practices at LMU (which at that time was still called Loyola University), movies in Westchester, Westwood, and Hollywood, to the beach, and to visit friends. Later, LMU had a more personal significance as Prisa’s college and residence. This was the school where she would live and learn for four years. Her residence there would create a new generational tie to a part of the city I had long abandoned. Over time, Prisa became a real “Westside person”, until her move into Redondo Beach converted her to a South bay resident. With her ease and familiarity with the lifestyle and geography of the area, one would never believe that she was born and raised in the San Fernando Valley.

A new Howard Hughes Business and Entertainment Center now stands in the place of the former Sepulveda Blvd off ramp. Only locals knew of this old airport short cut into Westchester and the side entrance into LAX. City people would follow the freeway signs and continue on to Century Blvd, adding extra miles to their trip. Driving through Inglewood, the freeway now enters the airport glide path for all arriving aircraft. When luck is with me, I get to see one of the mammoth jet planes float through the air and pass right over my car. This fabulous experience never becomes boring, because it is so illogical. How can tons and tons of metal float in the air? These vehicles are just huge passenger trains with wings, and they really should just drop to the ground – but they don’t. The miracle of flight is truly amazing!

Passing the Hwy 105 Interchange (Century, or Glenn Anderson Fwy) and El Segundo Blvd, I finally arrive at Rosecrans Ave, the end of the freeway segment of my road trip to Redondo. Heading west, I spy the distinctive landmark that identifies Aviation Blvd, the anachronistic, gridiron bridge of the Atchison, Topeka, & Santa Fe Railroad. This iconic symbol of the past is at odds with the high tech and communication businesses that now dominate the industrial parks on both sides of Aviation, as it makes its way through Manhattan and Redondo Beach. Arriving at the intersection of Artesia Blvd, I would normally turn right to visit Prisa. She lives in a house with two roommates on the border of Redondo, right next to Hermosa Beach. As she has usurped Westside provenance, she has also rediscovered the seaside haunts of my college days, when I frequented, and practically live in, the Hermosa Beach apartment of John, Greg, and Jim (see tag, Amigos) on Monterey Street. Those were our crazy, college days, when adventurous forays and explorations into beach city bars, pubs, restaurants, and clubs were hatched, planned, and executed. When nothing exciting was going on (which was more usual, than not), we would simply walk down to the Hermosa pier and hang out, being alert for the unexpected opportunity or encounter.

After Artesia, everything condenses and constricts. Streets become shorter and narrower, houses are smaller, and stores get closer and closer together.  I have entered the seaside environment of Hermosa Beach, with its “old beach” feel, and buildings and structures in their original “munchkin” sizes and dimensions.  In this town, alertness and caution are still vital, because of the immediate abundance of pedestrians, skateboarders, and cyclists. Defensive driving is also a requisite for these streets, because of the propensity of city side tourists and visitors, who are unaccustomed to foot and wheel traffic, and stop signs. I quickly merge into the hallowed ground of Hwy 1, or Pacific Coast Highway (PCH). This same highway hugs the beautiful and scenic Carmel and Monterey coast, and beyond, in northern California. Here in southern California, it meanders through countless beach cities and communities in Orange, Los Angeles, and Ventura counties. This section would be far more enjoyable as a passenger. I’m not as familiar with these streets as I once was, and they pass by quicker than I’d like.

“There’s Herondo and Anita Streets (at the border of Hermosa and Redondo), watch for the Catalina turnoff”, I say to myself. It arrives faster than I expected, but I maneuver the turn, and enter a new zone of Redondo Beach. I’m not familiar with this new section of town, leading into a revitalized King Harbor. It is fresh with new housing and commercial development. I begin to spot some of the monstrous “McMansions”, gaudy palaces of the nouveau riche, and oversized apartment complexes, which are beginning to overwhelm old beach cities. Torrance Blvd marks the north-south division of Catalina, and the numbers begin climbing. At this point, I’m just counting addresses, looking for the 1700 block of S. Catalina. Even addresses are on the left, so I concentrate my attention there. One vestige of the past that Redondo retains is stop signs; every corner on Catalina forces cars to come to a complete stop, before advancing. Passing Avenue I, I finally drive into the downtown part of the city, and the 1600 block. Crossing Avenida Del Norte, I finally see my destination on the left, Hennessey’s. Now the only challenge is to park, since I quickly notice that there is nothing free in Redondo. I circle the block once, and then decide to park in a metered section, one block above Catalina.

As I turned off the motor, my destination was gained and my journey complete. Now the family adventure will begin.

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The blue-gowned students began gathering at the south end of the quad as early as 6:30 am, for their 7 o’clock appointment. They grouped themselves around the homeroom numbers that were chalked into the playground pavement, at the edge of the grass that extended into the quad. At the opposite end, past the rented chairs and the bandstand, was a medium sized, white rental truck. The truck contained the balloons, floral arrangements, and decorations that were being transferred and set up on the temporary stage. Only adults were engaged in these activities at the northern end of the campus. Decorators, counselors, and administrators were hovering on and about the graduation dais, rearranging chairs and podiums, moving flag stands, and placing the diplomas on the ceremonial table. I could feel the energy of this place; the tension and stress at the northern end, and the excitement and nervousness to the south. After stopping by the school’s Main and Counseling Offices to greet my former secretaries, friends, and teachers, I walked onto the quad, and made my way to its southern pole.

I was returning to Shangri-la Middle School (Telephone Game and The Matrix IV) to watch the graduation of my last class of students. These were the “little” sixth graders I welcomed to Shangri-la in the fall of 2004. They were the frightened “scrubs” who I managed to calm and soothe by assuring them that they were safe, protected, and cared for, in this special place of learning. I also promised that I would memorize their names by the time I shook their hands at their 8th grade graduation. So we spent that year practicing. I would greet them, shake their hands, ask their names, and then try to remember and repeat them. I was better with some faces than with others. To improve my odds, and exercise my memory when I could not remember them, I would ask them to help me with the first letter of their name. I would then start guessing; and, most of the time, I would be lucky and get it right. Thank goodness, parents tended to be trendy and predictable when naming their girls. That year, there were many similar names. For example, the letter “A” usually indicated Andrea, Anna, or Alexis. The previous year, I would have guessed Ashley, Arpine, or Amanda. Boys were easier, their names tended to be more consistent over time; Alex, Armando, or Anthony was always a good bet for the “A’s”. The wild card names were the Spanish/English variation; I would guess Edward, and the student would say, “Wrong”, because it was Eduardo. When they finally confessed this language flip, after I’d given up guessing, I told them that I would still considered it a correct answer, because as a bearer of a Spanish name myself (Antonio), and a principal, I could change the rules. It was a game I played to make them feel that they had an advantage over a principal who was willing to look silly in order to learn their names. I never memorized all of them, of course, but I gave the appearance of recognizing and knowing them. More important, they came to believe that I knew them personally: “Of course, I know your name,” I would say, “You’re my favorite student. Now, what’s the first letter of your name?”

As I walked toward the humming sea of blue at the southern axis of the school, I hesitated. “What if they don’t remember me?” I asked myself. “I haven’t seen them for two years. Hundreds of new faces and new people have gone through their lives, by now. I may have become a hazy shadow they met once, a long time ago”. Then I heard the exclamation I was longing to hear: “Look, it’s Mr. D! He came back!” A spontaneous mob of students surrounded me. Who were these bold and grinning giants, and modest, clean-limbed maidens? They couldn’t be the same timid and shy boys and girls I knew as sixth graders. I shook their hands, grinned in return, and looked deeply into their faces, trying to remember them. Some students I recognized instantly, but all were familiar. They were my kids, and I had come back to keep my promise.

After this initial rush, I moved from homeroom line to homeroom line, greeting students, and the teachers I recognized. I had been the principal of Shangri-la for 10 years, so I knew most of these adults. I had hired over two-thirds of the faculty, but there were some new faces now. I was looking for a few individuals who made up a tight core of friends. These special colleagues had mobilized support for me in times of hardship and crisis, and were active contributors to the positive culture of the school and its faculty. I slowly made my way to the end of the row looking for Dorothy. She was the teacher of the first homeroom (or the last, depending on where you started). Dorothy had been my Lead Teacher and Union Representative for my entire time at Shangri-la. Our relationship had begun as amiable and trusting, and gradually matured into faith and friendship. I always considered Dorothy a partner in the leadership of the school. She was a great teacher, a wise and caring advisor, and a ferocious opponent. Although we disagreed on occasion, I never doubted her love for the school and her dedication to the well being of its students. I really did not mind (too much) conceding to Dorothy, because the school would never suffer because of it. The only real casualty would be my hubris, and that needed periodic deflating, anyway. Today, I just wanted to hug her and tell her how much I missed her and the school. I also wanted to pump her for information on the new assistant principal I was being assigned, at my current school (MASH Middle School , A Monday Without Grafitti, and Signs or Messages.)

The teachers around us began corralling their students and lining them up. I excused myself from Dorothy to look for one more teacher before leaving the assembly area. I caught sight of Dale’s tightly pulled-back, pony-tailed hair, on the opposite end of the rows.  I gradually made my way to him while negotiating more greetings and salutations from the students and teachers who had recently arrived. Dale was an 8th grade science teacher, with a “Gandalf the Wizard” appearance and appeal. He loved the school and his students, and he emitted a wonderful, cheerful energy that I enjoyed engaging. Health and fitness were always a favorite topic with him, and he again brought it up, after I mentioned how young he looked without the moustache, he had sported for over 15 years. We chatted for a bit, and he promised to email me the name of a natural supplement to lower blood pressure, as he began to line up his homeroom for the coming processional. The ceremony was slowly coming to life, and it was time to move on.

Graduations had always been stressful occasions when I was principal here. I would worry about security, timeliness, crowd-control, and the mental state of Marty, the student advisor and graduation impresario of Shangri-la. This event was his yearly love letter to the parents and students of the eighth grade, and as every love affair, it was fraught with passions, tensions, and drama. Marty was a tornado of energy and movement on graduation morning. He directed traffic, supervised decorators, soothed anxious parents, counseled security personnel, reassured students, and straightened caps and gowns. He alone decided when the action would begin by signaling Ken, the band director, to play Pomp and Circumstance. Once the processional began and the ceremony commenced all my attention would be focused on the action that was unfolding before me. From that point on, I never knew what went on behind the scenes. I imagined that the drama and emergencies continued, and that Marty and other adults were handling them. I sat on the dais as one of the performers; I had no clue what went on behind the stage, until now.

This year, I discovered that backstage is an incredibly quiet, and peaceful zone of tranquility, where Marty rules. It is a cool, shady place, behind all of the sounds of introductions, speeches, music, and the movements of the graduation. All the alertness, anxiety, and tension are on the stage, not in back of it. From behind, Marty occasionally whispered reassurances to the dignitaries on the dais, but everything ran smoothly, and effortlessly. Suddenly there was a cheer from the seated students, and one line of graduates stood. The assistant principal had just officially announced the Class of 2007 as candidates for diplomas of certification. It was time for each student to hear their name, climb onto the stage, receive their diploma from the principal, exit the stage and return to their seats by going around the back. This was my private moment with each student. I would be completing my pact with this class by shaking their hands, expressing my pride in them, and wishing them well.

They came down the steps and around the corner. I smiled at each one, grinned when I recognized them, and shook their hands. Some students warranted hugs. These were particularly memorable students who, because of persistence, charm, or frustration, I never forgot. The whole experience was satisfying, delightful, and joyful, better than any graduation I had officiated. It wasn’t until I saw Jason coming toward me, however, that I lost my cool demeanor. Up until that moment, I had been the veteran professional, hitting my marks and speaking my lines in a detached and businesslike manner. This boy was able to penetrate that façade, and remind me how I felt about these children, and how much I missed them. Jason was that rare kid, a tall, gawky, red-haired, white boy in a predominately-Hispanic school who loved being there. He was almost otherworldly, with a constant smile and an open, welcoming manner for everyone, which did not change because of race, age, or ethnic differences. He smiled from the first day I met him at the 6th grade Orientation, to the last time I saw him before leaving school. In many ways, he reminded me of my son, Tonito, during his middle school years, tall, skinny, and awkward, but always smart, curious, and happy. My throat seized up as he made his way toward me. Thankfully, my sunglasses hid the tears that sprang from my eyes, when his expansive smile engulfed me, and he said, “I knew you’d be here today”. I tried to respond, but only a muffled croak escaped my paralyzed throat as I shook his hand, and looked into his beaming face. I don’t know what I wanted to say, because my mind had choked along with my voice. He moved on, waving and greeting other backstage adults, and I continued shaking the hands of the students who followed. I breathed deeply, and shook about 4 hands, before my voice returned. I returned to “autopilot” for the rest of the ceremony.

I don’t recall many details once the students had returned to their seats. They cheered and tossed up their caps, when they were introduced as the “Culminating Class of 2007”. They slowly made their way out of their rows, and back to their staging area, when the recessional began to play. I took some photos as they moved away, and soon some families came up to ask if I would pose with their graduates. When these requests stopped, I made my way to the parking lot and left.

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The clarion call of Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance signaled the commencement of the ceremony, on the sunny, late afternoon day. The chatter and talk that was at such a high decibel level began to quiet, and heads began turning to the northeastern corner of the Louisville Quad. There, just rounding the corner was the first one. Young and graceful, adorned in immaculate white gloves and debutante gown, the first graduate marched up the sun-drenched walkway. Behind her, an identically clad graduate paused, counted the beats, and then glided into the elegantly sequenced procession. One after another, these young maidens moved forward, and then up the stairs, holding bouquets of orange and yellow flowers, and smiling to friend and family members who clapped and cheered their passing. Only the fathers were silent, as they struggled to restrain the misting of their eyes and the growing lumps in their throats. These beautiful young daughters, radiant in their styled and garlanded hair, strode confidently toward their future, leaving their childhood behind. Catching my first glimpse of Maria Teresa, my niece, as she took her position in the long white line of graduates, I detected something different. She, along with her “sisters”, was no longer a girl. They were now young women.

This is the beginning of the traditional commencement ceremony at Louisville High School, in Woodland Hills, California. This is not the raucous, beach ball tossing, end-of-senior year celebration, you see in most high school graduations. The Louisville graduation is a carefully scripted, thoughtfully choreographed, and meticulously rehearsed pageant of style and decorum.Traditional speeches are given, and the usual addresses made, exhorting the women graduates to fulfill their intellectual potential and to live their Catholic faith. However, these verbal messages are amplified by the visual impact of the ceremony, with its grace, beauty, and motion. On this occasion, it reminded me of the Japanese Tea ceremony. Only, instead of one clean-limbed, graceful maiden performing individually, there were 126 young women moving in ritualistic unison. Stand straight and erect, turn to the left and bend; place bouquets on the chair, and resume standing posture; turn to the right, pause two beats and step; follow your partner at a sequenced interval; wait for the word prompt and sit. It is an impressive sight.

It was this stunning ritual that first attracted me to this single sex, all-girl, Catholic high school, which is still directed by the Sisters of St. Louis. The visual impact, and mythic symbolism of this annual rite of passage, took my breath away, the first time I saw it, in 1992. It was even more powerful when my daughter, Prisa, graduated in 1998. The ceremony generated renewed reflection, when I went to see Maria’s graduation last week. These women will not, and do not, forget this ceremony, or this moment in their lives. They may complain about the uniformity of appearance, despise the endless practice, and roll their eyes at the demand for unison, but they will always remember the sensory uniqueness of this day. It is a day that sets Louisville apart from coeducational and other single-sex institutions. It is their way to make this moment a special “sign”, a secular sacrament, for graduates and their parents. I believe that the stylized ritual becomes a visible transition point for the graduates and their parents: from past to future, from high school to college. The girls walk in as high school graduates, and march out as women prepared to enter college in the fall. However, for the parents, once the parties and celebrations are over, the summer will become their season of discontent, when they face the harsh reality that their baby girls are leaving the nest – they are babies no longer.

The commencement season is upon us. Although these celebrations occur every year, we don’t always participate. Last year, I did not attend any. This year, 6 relatives and friends are graduating: Brigid from Fairfield College in Connecticut, Carlos from California State University in Fullerton, Jonaya from Williams College in Massachusetts, Maria from Louisville High School, Clark from Dos Pasos High School in Santa Barbara, and Doctor Katie from University of California at Irvine Medical School. Maria’s was the only one I was able to catch so far. Of the three types of graduations occurring this year, I believe that high school ceremonies are the most emotional, because they represent such a major transition in the lives of the students and their parents. The high school graduates are leaving home and,seemingly, “abandoning” their parents. Maria is going to Villanova in Philadelphia and Clark to California State University, San Luis Obispo. There will be some tough periods of adjustment for their parents.

High school graduations are such great celebrations, and great memories. I must confess, however, that I don’t recall much of mine, especially the speeches. I do remember my joy and excitement at finishing school, and the exhilarating knowledge that I was going to college. I was heading to the “New Jerusalem” of intellect, adulthood, and independence. My senior year at St. Bernard High School had been fun, but UCLA promised excitement and fulfillment; even though I wasn’t sure what that was going to be at the time. I never suspected the emotional trauma this event had on parents, until I experienced it as a father. Following Tony and Prisa through their college application and selection process was engaging and involving. It became an exciting game waiting for acceptance letters and then watching them analyze and handicap the colleges until they made their final choice. The graduation ceremonies, parties, and gifts were great, and planning for their departure was exciting; Tony to Washington D.C. in 1996, and Prisa to Westchester in 1998. But I was devastated when they left home.

Although I reacted differently to the departure of each child, I went through four general stages of separation: 1) avoidance and denial; 2) coping with their absence; 3) making connections; and 4) regaining normalcy.

The weeks following the graduations of Prisa and Tony were periods of avoidance and denial. I pretended they were ordinary summers and let Kathy handle most of the travel and housing arrangements, but I didn’t want to believe that they were leaving. It wasn’t until the week before Tonito left for Washington D.C., after constant warnings from Kathy about running out of time that I finally acted. I took him for a long car ride, one that was reminiscent of the countless times I had driven him to and from school, to practices, appointments, and performances. In the car, I would question and quiz him about his classes, his acting, and his plans. On most occasions, he was willing to open up and share his thoughts and dilemmas. That day, after miles of meandering, I finally pulled over to a curve and admitted to Tonito that I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I told him that my aloofness and non-involvement during the last weeks was not indifference. I had been struggling to identify my feelings and formulate some fatherly advice to give him. I envied Shakespeare, who was able to provide Laertes such succinct instructions on his departure from home, in Hamlet. I finally just told Tonito the truth: I loved him and I did not want him to go. At the same time, I knew that he was leaving; I knew that George Washington University was a fine school, and I knew that leaving was the right thing to do. I just did not want to accept it. I held on to the crazy idea that if I didn’t verbalize my acceptance, or believe it, then some unexpected development would prevent him from going. Tonito told me he understood. I hugged him a long time, and cried a little, but I pulled myself together and managed to quote one piece of advice from Polonius:
“This above all - to thine own self be true;
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

My denial was actually worse with Prisa, because I fooled myself into believing I was prepared for this second separation, after experiencing it with Tonito. I wasn’t. Instead, I pretended that she was not really leaving home at all. I created the delusion that we were simply driving her 30 miles to Loyola Marymount University in Westchester to spend the week, before driving her back home for weekends. This time, however, I did help in the planning and preparations for Prisa’s move into the dorm, and I was better prepared for my Father-Daughter talk. Since Tony’s departure, I had made a concerted effort at never allowing a car trip with Prisa to go wasted; so we had hundreds of opportunities to talk and discuss sports, her volleyball, basketball, and softball games, family members and events, and movies and television shows. It was always easier talking to Prisa, because she loved to volunteer and share information. On this occasion, we also shared a common point of reference. As I drove along the 210 freeway through the Sunland Tujunga wash, I reminded Prisa of the letter I had written her when she was on her senior Kairos retreat. These letters, from parents, relatives, and friends, were part of the self-realization process of this spiritual experience. Mine was one of those chosen to be read aloud. The letter allowed me to concretely express how proud I was of Prisa, what a gift she was to us, and how there was nothing she could ever do to risk or jeopardize our love for her. It was the closest I ever came to describing the unconditional love I felt for her. Although the Kairos letter helped me get to the point faster, it did not prevent my tears from flowing.

The absence of each child created emptiness in the house that we were never able to fill; we were only able to cope. In Tonito’s case, I would logon daily to the Washington Post website to check the news and weather in Washington D.C., write him long and elaborate emails, and sit in his empty bedroom for long periods, trying to soak in his residual presence or essence. So as not to appear too pathetic and forlorn to Kathy and Prisa, I invented excuses to be in his room. I began solving jigsaw puzzles on the floor, and using his student desk as a private workstation. With Prisa, I did not develop such idiosyncratic habits; I just went into a deep depression that lasted two years. It’s most presenting feature was my daily ritual of taking a stereo and a glass of wine out to the backyard, and sitting in isolation, next to the pool, listening to the pining and soulful songs of Andrea Bocelli. I also found myself seeking out, reestablishing contact with, and spending lots of time with old high school friends, and their families. While Tonito had been a strong, physical presence in the house, Prisa was a constant and interactive partner in all family events, activities, and discussions. Her absence left a gaping wound, which could only be salved, when she phoned or visited on weekends, but never healed.

Kathy and I quickly came to the realization that we could not passively wait for our children to determine for themselves when they would call, visit, or reconnect with us at home. Kathy was direct and aggressive in connecting with them at college. She did not waste her time emailing or writing, as I did, she picked up the phone and called on a regular basis. I would then question her to find out what the kids were doing. Tony’s involvement in drama, and Prisa’s in Basketball, also created many opportunities to connect by flying or driving to see their games and performances. In the two years Tony was at GWU, I visited him 3 times, and Kathy twice. Prisa’s proximity allowed us multiple occasions through her four years at LMU to connect, and she was always ready to join us for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

Over time, the intermittent visits and absences of the kids became routine and normal. We missed them when they were away, and enjoyed them when they returned. Kathy and I learned how to communicate better, and spend time with each other without the buffering, or complementary presence of our children. Our relationship filled the gaps that the children left when they were away. Eventually, we became our own most effective coping strategy.

Although these post-secondary stages were triggered by high school graduations, they were never mentioned in the ceremonies. There were some hints embedded in the speeches, but they were mostly in the form of jokes. Commencement exercises are rituals performed by the graduates, and viewed by their parents. The event itself serves as a crossroad sign for this transition from high school to college or high school to career. Some ceremonies do a better job than others at signaling this point. Tony’s at Notre Dame High School was more conventional than Maria or Prisa’s. It was held on the football field, where the graduates, and some of their zany antics, were separated from their fun loving friends in the bleachers. The Louisville ceremony, on the other hand, is the finest I have ever experienced. The sensory-driven ritual is poignantly reflective, defining, and emotional. It truly functions as a secular sacrament.


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The young lieutenant looked tall, handsome, and princely, in his formal, dress blue army uniform. He stood, impatiently, at the front of the altar, waiting for the arrival of his bride. There was no trace of the mischievous prankster and raconteur who had regaled the guests at the rehearsal dinner with tales from his youth. He looked serious and solemn as he gazed past the assembled guests in the pews, searching for his wife to be, on the arm of her father. The music alerted them to stand and turn their attention to the rear of the church.

Katie, the maid of honor, was first to process to the front. She was dressed in a sunny yellow gown that lit the room in preparation for the bride. She glided down the aisle, smiling at friends and relatives in that cherubic style, unique to Mary Ellen’s daughters.

Even without the long train, veil, and other traditional accoutrements, Anastasia looked like a princess, as she walked down the aisle. The simplicity of the lustrous, ivory dress that hooked around her neck, accentuated the smooth, flawless skin of her face, and bare shoulders and arms, with a glowing, marble sheen. Her regal beauty and poise was a sharp contrast to her father, escorting her to the front of the church. On this morning, Patrick, in his neat grey suit and tie, could not help but appear humble and ordinary standing next to the radiant essence that was his daughter.

Finally united on the altar, Kevin and Anastasia looked like a storybook rendering of Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming on their wedding day. They stood in triumph, a handsome couple who had vanquished foes and overcome obstacles to be together. Now they were ready to solemnize their vows, in this Catholic Church on Massachusetts Avenue. Friends and relatives had traveled far and wide to witness this ceremony; they had flown or driven in from London, Israel, Rome, New York, Connecticut, Baltimore, and Los Angeles. With their parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends in attendance, Kevin and Anastasia would become their own family now.



It was Saturday of the Memorial Day weekend, and we were in Washington D.C. to celebrate the nuptials of Kathy’s nephew. The irony was that, at the same time, my uncle was being buried in Los Angeles. In fact, it was news of my uncle’s death that began the series of events that would end in this wedding in D.C.

My uncle Tarsicio (Tarsi) died the week before the wedding. He was the sixth child in a family of 14 brothers and sisters; my father being the eldest. Subsequently, I became the first and oldest grandchild and nephew in the family. From that youthful perspective, I was naively aware of my aunts and uncles, and learned something of their early lives. My connections with them diminished after my father’s death in 1971, and, more so, as I became older, married, and began raising a family of my own.

I was first conscious of Tarsi when he was away in the Korean War, and I learned that he was a prisoner of war. He and my uncle Enrique (Henry) had been drafted together into the army, but they returned at different times and in different manners. I have a clear memory of the day Henry returned from war. He phoned home from the corner drugstore, and we ran up the street to find and greet him. Tarsi just reappeared. I don’t recall the exact details of his release or return, but I could feel the sense of relief that permeated the family once he was home. I remember my father telling me that Tarsi was back, and he was glad. His happy and sunny disposition always surprised and delighted me. I guess I expected his war experience to mark him with a dark and brooding demeanor. He never acted that way. He always laughed, joked, and kidded with my family and me. He was also impulsive in what he talked about or asked. You could ask him anything, and he would give you an honest, and, usually, funny answer. He also loved my dad. Tarsi was one of the brothers (Victor and Kado, too) who really looked up to him and sought out his advice.



Tarsi was the only uncle I ever questioned about war. Soviet and North Korean brainwashing was a popular topic during the Cold War years of my youth, and I had seen the movie, and read the book, The Manchurian Candidate. I asked him if he had been interrogated and tortured during his internment in North Korea. He surprised me with his answer. He explained that real torture and brainwashing was not about sadism or psychosomatic hypnotism, but, rather, it was a simple routine of rewards and punishments, with denial of innocuous privileges being the harshest. Torture wasn’t the pulling out of fingernails, or using electric prods; it was submission or the loss of basic necessities: sleep, food, cigarettes, talk, and companionship. For him, life as a POW was about being controlled. That was as much as he told me about that subject.

After his return from the war, Tarsi must have made up for lost time, because the next thing I remember was his double wedding with Henry. He married Alice, and Hank married Lupe. Alice was stunningly beautiful. She had an Ava Gardener look that knocked me out. As he settled back into civilian life, he spent a lot of time with my father. Tarsi was always studying or preparing for city or county jobs or promotions, because my dad was always helping him. Tarsi and Alice were regular visitors, and even served as babysitters on occasions. Eventually these visits became more therapeutic and less social, Alice crying with my mom, and Tarsi speaking with my father. As the marriage began experiencing more problems, Tarsi started coming alone for talks and counseling. I recall visiting their new house in Pico Rivera at about that time. It was brand new and very modern looking, but it did not save the marriage. There were more attempts at reconciliation, but eventually they separated and divorced.




My next memory of Tarsi was helping him decorate his house for the engagement parties he hosted for his younger siblings, Espie and Charlie (Nacimiento Stories), when they got married in 1965. Tarsi was single at the time, and he seemed perpetually carefree and light-hearted. I was a junior in high school, and I thought he was the coolest bachelor in the world. Later, Tarsi remarried, but we only saw him and Irene on formal family occasions, which became less and less after my Dad died, and my grandparents passed away. The last time I saw him was at the giant family reunion in 2002. He looked older, skinnier, but still happy, friendly, and animated.

The news of Tarsi’s death, and lack of specific information, prompted me to communicate with the aunts and uncles for whom I had email addresses. I sent them a quick message asking for details and funeral arrangements. Two aunts, Espie and Lupe, responded, and I learned about the conflicting dates with Kevin’s wedding. When I informed Espie of my dilemma, she made a passing observation that struck me – families depend on special occasions to gather, especially weddings and funerals. If we did not have them, we might never meet again. As far as my father’s family was concerned, we had long passed the age of weddings (all of my aunts, uncles, and first cousins are past the point in life for large-scale weddings, even if they would marry again). We were now entering the era of funerals. Kathy’s family, on the other hand, was just getting started with the second wave of weddings for the mid-range group of grandchildren and first cousins. I expressed my regrets to Espie at not being able to see her and the rest of the family at the funeral, but told her I would try to contact Irene and her children before leaving town.

On Thursday morning, I drove to Irene’s home to pay my respects, and express my condolences. There was a big POW flag flying from the front entrance. No one was there, so I left a sympathy card, and wrote a brief message explaining that I would be unable to attend the services. The flurry of subsequent activities and events distracted me from further thoughts of death, viewings, rosaries, funerals, or burials.

Packing, early departure, baggage check-in, security screening, boarding, and flight delays, all occurred before the plane took off at 7 o’clock, Friday morning. Once in the air, I was able to leave home and business worries behind me, and think only about the gathering in D.C. Despite some early ambivalence about such a long distance trip, this had become a big deal in Kathy’s family. Kathy, Prisa, and I were flying across the country to attend the nuptials of Kevin, the 4th child (of 6), and second son, of Bill and Mary Ellen. Two of Kathy’s sisters, Beth and Meg, and Meg’s husband Luis, and their two children accompanied us, on the flight. On arrival, we would later be joined by their brothers, Greg and Mike (and Mike’s wife, Patty), and a solitary niece, Brigid. In all, seven of Kathy’s ten siblings would be present, or have a representative at the wedding (Brigid, for her mom, Patty). It was an impressive showing of family solidarity, and it was a rare opportunity to meet with family members they did not often see. This wedding in Washington D.C. was a special moment to reaffirm their concept of family, love and matrimonial support, and Kathy and I loved it.

I cannot conceive of a life lived without the intersection, interference, and the involvement of parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins (and, possibly, relatives born on the wrong side of the sheets). One family is an equation that is then squared by the existence of a parallel family with the same complexities. When marriage enters the picture as a new factor, the family sum is squared again. Families are an endless logarithmic progression through time, but they are more than calculus. I’ve come to believe that families are the furnaces that fuel the love that sustains each of us through life. Life would be a sad and lonely existence without the love, humor, and sustenance of family.

Both of my parents came from large families. My father was the eldest in a Mexican-American family of 14 brothers and sisters (Nacimiento Stories), and my mother was the sixth, in a Mexican family of 9. In their own fashion, each family was a messy, on-going soap opera of passions, conflicts, problems, resolutions, and joyful celebrations. My dad’s family was more dramatic than my mom’s was. It was a left-brain, right-brain division; his was dominated by feelings and emotions, hers was rationally and logically driven. I never felt overwhelmed or overlooked in these two large families, especially since they existed in separate countries. My father was the Marine veteran, who, after WW II, corresponded with, met, wooed, and wed my mother in Mexico. He then returned, and lived with his bride, in the United States until his death in 1971. In my mind, I did not so much have two families, but two states of mind, two approaches to life, and two cultures to explore and enjoy. My parents produced a relatively small family of their own with 4 sons and two daughters, but when combined with families of their brothers and sisters, we were a huge operatic production. Marrying into Kathy’s family of 8 sisters and two brothers was like coming home (I Shall Be Released). Their drama, though different and more subdued, had more in common with the emotional eruptions in my dad’s family; but their stress on education and professional achievement was similar to my mom’s.



That Memorial Day weekend was a whirlwind of activities, once we arrived. On Friday evening, Margi, Kevin’s eldest sister, hosted the rehearsal dinner at her beautiful home in Maryland. Situated in a wooded area on the outskirts of the capitol, it was our first opportunity to see everyone who had come to the wedding. We were finally able to get a good look at Kevin’s bride, and her father and brother.

The next morning, Greg (I Shall Be Released), Kathy and I went to see the White House, which was right down the street from the Army-Navy Club, where we were staying. We wanted to take full advantage of our stay to visit historical and cultural venues we had missed on previous trips. We were back in plenty of time to change and catch a cab to the church. After the wedding, the three of us hung out at a hotel lounge with Mike and Patty for about an hour before returning to the Army-Navy Club for the wedding reception. It was a fascinating place to stay, and a very historical site to hold a reception. The military attire of the groom, best man, and four other army officers, made this a very appropriate locale for a party. At various times, Bill, Kevin’s dad, would lead tours of the different floors to explore the military library, study, lounge, and artwork. It was an enjoyable and comfortable reception, with just the right number of guests and relatives to stimulate free flowing conversation and laughter. The best part was having a room at the same location as the party. When we felt it was time to go, we simply took the elevator to our room. It was great. However, before leaving the reception, Kathy and her 4 siblings had agreed on one more gathering before ending the evening and going their separate ways. They (and the spouses and children who wished) would meet at the Washington Monument for one last family tour of the mall.

In the course of these events, Kathy had wondered, aloud, if I planned to write something in my blog. I wasn’t sure, because I had not discovered a common theme to tie all of my experiences together. The idea came to me, as I sat in the Daiquiri Lounge, inside the Army-Navy Club, with Kevin, his bride, father and brother-in-law, and the remains of his wedding party. Kathy and I had decided to stop in for a cocktail before heading out to the mall, when we discovered them. They were the remaining vestiges of the reception, the bridal party, waiting for a ride to their hotels, but still looking glamorous. We invited them into the lounge with its military décor, and offered them the chance to keep the party going, on our tab. It was an offer they couldn’t refuse. Listening to Kevin tell the hilarious tales of his adventures growing up in his crazy, world-traveling family, it occurred to me that the theme of the week’s events was so obvious, it was staring me in the face - FAMILY. We had come together today as visible testimony of our support for a new member of the family – Anastasia. We were also there to symbolize our acceptance and joy at their union and creation of a new family of their own. I was here because I am a part of Kathy’s family, just as I am a part of my family in Los Angeles, which was gathering to pay tribute to Tarsi’s memory. In a strange way, I was able to feel part of both occasions, while only being present at one. It could only happen when one is within that mystical equation called FAMILY.

I was sitting there, smugly pleased with this epiphany, when one, lone, troubling thought kept nagging at me. Patrick, the father of the bride, was sitting in this raucous and joyous circle, across from his daughter, not understanding one single word. He does not speak English. What was he thinking and feeling? His daughter had not simply left home to marry Kevin; she had abandoned family and country to do so. I could not help but feel a twinge of sympathetic sorrow for his loss and isolation. When I mentioned this to Prisa, who had joined us, she gave me a different perspective on his emotional state. “Dad, just look at him”, she explained. “All he has to do is gaze at his daughter’s face and see the love that shines through. He doesn’t need to understand English to know that his grown up girl is happy. I don’t think he’d want to be anywhere else but here”. I turned and gave Prisa, the girl who caught Anastasia’s wedding bouquet, a kiss.

Matrix IV

May. 20th, 2007 12:50 pm
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In my 35 years as a teacher and administrator, I have never constructed a school’s Instructional Master Program. The “master program” is the generic term for the course of studies offered by a school as its instructional program. It delineates the teachers, courses, times, and room locations. It is the class schedule that tells students and teachers the who, what, and where of their school day. It is the heart and soul of an operational middle or high school. Most people think of a school as a place, a campus, or a collection of buildings. In reality, the physical setting of a school is only cosmetic; it merely enhances or detracts from the image of a school. The master program is the essential part. However, despite its importance, in all my years in education, I have never wanted to make one, nor had to, until now.

The master program, because of its arcane complexity, has always held a mystique for me. The mystery was heightened by the exclusivity of its developers, the specialists who constructed and maintained it. Only a small, self-selected, initiated, and trained order of counselors, and administrators handled the master program. For decades, it was the sole responsibility of the head counselor of a school, or the Assistant Principal in charge of Student Counseling Services (APSCS). These gifted specialists were the sorcerers who conjured up this intricate web of time, space, people, and movement. They were the oracles who determined what students should learn, who would teach them, and where the learning would occur. They predicted and manipulated the courses, grade levels, ability groups, and room assignments for teachers through the years. Great power and influence emanated from these individuals, and even greater responsibilities weighed upon them.

I recall a time when all new high school and middle school teachers received the same words of advice about the “holy trinity” of essential school personnel: the plant manager (head custodian), the school secretary (payroll clerk), and the head counselor. These three people controlled the key aspects of a teacher’s life: salary, classroom maintenance, and teaching assignments. Positive relations, clear communication, and immediate access to these three important people were the intangible factors that made life as a teacher comfortable, predictable, satisfying, and ultimately, successful. However, in this scholastic trinity, as in the Catholic version, there is one person greater than the rest, and that person is the head counselor. I was a product of this cultural indoctrination, and I always maintained a reverence and awe for head counselors and APSCS’s, well into my days as a principal. Over time, I learned the parts and mechanics of the master program, but the actual CREATION of one was still MAGIC to me.

I had the opportunity to work with three outstanding head counselors, during my first three assignments as principal; Gerry at Leif Erickson Middle School, Richard at Fire Mountain Middle School, and Kandy at Shangri-la Middle School (Telephone Game). Each head counselor had their own approach to their job, the counselors and office they managed, and the students and teachers they worked with. However, despite some apparent differences, they did share some common traits. For these three magicians, the master program was a student-centered construction, meant to serve the needs of students and teachers at the same time. They also had a puzzle-solving mind, and a wizard’s faith that by adding the right ingredients to the brew, with time, patience, and mixing, a solution for every problem would bubble to the surface. Over time, I came to the realization that each one imprinted their own unique personality and style on the master program they created.

I worked with Gerry for only 2 months, while serving as acting principal at Leif Erickson Middle School. He was a giant, Hagrid-sized head counselor, who loved kids and appreciated teachers. I wasn’t there long enough to see him conjure up a master program, but he had a child-centered approach to the instructional program, and worked at accommodating the needs and wishes of teachers and students. He knew the kids and the teachers, and advised me on how best to treat them, and lead them. He assumed the role of confidant and advisor during my stay at Erickson.

Richard at Fire Mountain Middle School was a wise and venerable, “sensei” (master) of a head counselor. He had been a part of the school for over 25 years. Originally, a vocational education teacher, he became a counselor, and eventually head counselor of Fire Mountain. He had a shop teacher approach to the master program; he made it concrete, visual, flexible, and manipulative. I could walk into Richard’s office and SEE the master program as a grid spread out on the wall, showing the teachers, the classrooms, the subjects, the periods, and the number of students. The information it contained was open, visible, and transparent.

At the end of each school year, Richard and his counselor-apprentice tore down the board and then conjured up a new one from scratch. How he did that was a mystery. I knew the ingredients he used, but not the process. He’d take the estimated number of new 6th grade students, mix it with the students who were promoting into the 7th and 8th grade, sprinkle in state and district requirements, season it with special consideration for certain teachers and programs, and then stir it around until it came out right. After a while, from behind closed doors, a new master program would emerge and be posted on the wall. In Merlin-like fashion, Richard would then enter my office and whisper in my ear the number of teachers we needed to hire, and in what subjects. It was easy; I listened and followed directions. It was a great way to learn how to be a principal. I stayed at Fire Mountain for four years, and during that time, Richard guided me through the labyrinth of leadership, the way he had done with countless principals before me.

Kandy at Shangri-la was a different type of head counselor-sorceress, and she was filled with paradoxes and contradictions. She was the first head counselor I worked with to carry the title, Assistant Principal, SCS. She was also the most reluctant administrator I ever encountered, who was, at the same time, the most capable. If Richard was Merlin, then Kandy was Eleanor of Aquitaine. She could do it all, and manage any kind of program: testing, counseling, Special Education, Gifted, Bilingual & ESL, articulation, child abuse, and the master program. What she did not directly oversee, she was involved in. By the time I left Shangri-la, after 10 years, I considered her my partner in the operation of the school. However, her style of developing, maintaining, and communicating the master program, was more occult and obscure than Richard’s.

I never figured out how she did it, and she did not use apprentices, or assistants, who could explain it to me. Although Kandy was always eager to show me the process and product, all I saw were weird charts, hieroglyphics, and signs. I always knew when Kandy was working on the master program, because she would periodically come into my office to share, or unburden herself about, a programming problem, a schedule conflict, or a personality dilemma. The issue was usually bizarre and incomprehensible to me, at first. Nevertheless, I’d learned over time that Kandy was supernaturally intuitive, and that if I gave her enough time, she would always solve her own problems. All I had to do was listen, giving her plenty of time to recite her dilemma, and asking an occasional question or two. I could always count on her experiencing a clarifying revelation during this ritual. It always worked. It was magic.

Ultimately, Kandy would develop a master program that fit the needs of students, teachers and the District. It was tight, neat, and exact. She took great pride in getting all the numbers right, having all the components fit, and making every effort to accommodate the preferences and desires of teachers and students. Kandy was also much more visionary in her approach to the master program, and she could be ruthless in achieving her mission, if it involved the students’ welfare and needs. At the end of the process, she would come into my office to tell me if we needed to displace or hire teachers, and in what subjects and grades.

The magic ended upon my arrival at MASH Middle School, in July of 2005. This place was different and more chaotic than any school I had previously encountered. It was a year-round school, where teachers and students, on three “Tracks”, rotated into school every eight or 9 weeks; two tracks on, and one track off. This was also the first school I knew in which teachers and staff did not call the instructional course of study “The Master Program”. Instead, everyone called it the “Matrix” and spoke of their class schedule as “lines”. Ironically, this matrix was the first printed master program I had seen in 10 years that was understandable. I used to tease Kandy for years, telling her that her master program was unintelligible to me. Here was a matrix that was clear and concise, unfortunately, it never worked. The MASH matrix was a handy and readable spreadsheet of teachers, classes, rooms, and periods, by track. However, this single-paged document was unreliable, did not reflect the needs and preferences of students and teachers, and was always out-of-date.

I found this out on the first day I walked in the door of my new office, after a two-week vacation. The soon to be retired head counselor informed me that she had overestimated the student enrollment, and the actual numbers would not support the matrix that she developed. We would have to close classes and displace teachers, unless I could find a way of paying for more. This bit of news, coupled with the earth-shaking revelation that the school had over-spent last year’s budget by half a million dollars, and the District would soon be deducting the shortfall, stunned me. It was a catastrophic beginning to a new assignment, and it was the first clue that something was amiss at MASH Middle School and in the development of its master program.

Luckily, we were able to weather this enrollment drought and budgetary crisis by consolidating staff and classes, and purchasing some positions from a one million dollar state grant, which we received in October. The District also “forgave”, or ignored the deficit from the previous year’s budget. With this stabilized situation, I started familiarizing myself with the new school, faculty, and my administrative staff. The most important member of my team would be the new head counselor.

Steve was a brand new Assistant Principal, SCS. He had been a track counselor at the school for two years, when he was encouraged to accept the position of APSCS by the retiring head counselor, who left in December. Although he was able to “shadow” and confer with the head counselor for 6 months, he had never created, or assisted in the creation or maintenance of a master program, and never managed large numbers of adults. Occasionally he verbalized some insecurity about his new position, but he was intelligent and capable, and I assumed that he would quickly learn and master the intricacies of his job. As time went on, it was hard not to compare him to the previous head counselors I had worked with, and search for similarities. I found none. He did not retain numbers, facts, or names; he attacked problems in a straight-on, linear fashion, never attempting out-of-box strategies; and he was disinclined to accommodate anyone, if it meant deviating from fixed plans, systems, or arrangements. Gerry, Richard, and Kandy were always with and around people, teachers, students, and staff, listening, talking, and helping, Steve was aloof. He was cold, rigid and Teutonic in his thinking and problem solving, and he did not like change. Steve was most comfortable when dealing with an emergency, or solving a custodial problem. The first test would come in the spring of 2006, when he would have to build a master program.

I first suspected something was wrong when Steve did not take the initiative in determining how many incoming 6th grade students we would receive from our feeder elementary schools. He trusted the data disk provided by the District. The head counselors I knew always wanted to know exactly, and they would not rest until they had arrived at a number they believed. A dependable master program rests on exact numbers to build classes, and hire or maintain teachers. Richard and Kandy would always have their own enrollment estimates when we met the District experts at the enrollment “road shows” in March. Invariably there would be disagreement over projected numbers, but Richard and Kandy would be insistent, and they were always right. Steve simply accepted the estimates given by the specialist at our road show meeting. He also did not change the already overstaffed matrix from the previous year. After conferring with the past head counselor, he simply rolled it over, with no alterations. I had never interfered in the development of a master program; I always left it to the APSCS, the person who was supposed to know. On paper, the matrix looked fine, but I couldn’t shake the nagging worry that it was built on a delusional hope that more students than expected would show up, or that my experience as a principal would always find some solution if they did not.

In July of 2006, on my second opening day at MASH Middle School (MASH Middle School , A Monday Without Grafitti, and Signs or Messages.), and for the second year in a row, the students did not show up. We were down about 100 students per track, with most of the “no shows” coming in the 6th grade. The other shock was the overcrowded elective classes. Art and music teachers were screaming over the 60 and 70 students that had been programmed into their classes. In an absurd juxtaposition, we were overstaffed and overcrowded at the same time. I finally had to admit that these two events should never have been surprises; a competent head counselor would have anticipated them and planned for contingencies. Instead, Steve looked to me for instructions and directions, but I was not a head counselor.

Once again, I was lucky. Unexpected resignations allowed us to consolidate staff and classes, and our million-dollar grant carried over, permitting us to purchase extra teaching positions. We all breathed easier, but I knew that school practice would have to change in the spring when a new master program was developed. I promised myself that we would not repeat the fiascoes of the last two years, even if it took my direct involvement in the process.

This year, when we received our enrollment estimates from the road show, I directed Steve to construct a matrix built on radically reduced enrollment numbers. I knew this charge would necessitate a complete reworking of the present master program, but I felt a shake up of procedure and practice was important. Next, I needed to air-out and evaluate his early matrix attempts, making sure that they addressed and accommodated student, teacher, and school needs, and district mandates. I did not feel confident doing this alone, so I elicited the assistance and participation of my administrative staff, coordinators, coaches, teachers, and my former head counselor. I had Steve present and defend his matrices in staff and faculty meetings, forcing him to look at them from different perspectives, and hearing different ideas and opinions. I even directed him to meet me at Shangri-la Middle School, so Kandy could review his work and provide solutions to roadblocks he was encountering, or creating for himself. That was an interesting evening, watching a master and a novice sizing up each other. It convinced me that Steve was clueless about what it took to create a master program. He could construct a grid of squares and lines, but he would never see it as a living puzzle, containing hundreds of interlocking pieces that can be formed and reformed into a variety of combinations.

The next step required a radical change in how teachers and their departments, viewed and acted upon the proposed matrix. In the past, the matrix for each track was posted in April, so that teachers could review it and select their own teaching lines. This process eliminated the direct involvement of the department chair and head counselor in deciding who taught what, and where. It was an unheard of practice. How can you guide the instructional program of a school if teachers can select their own tracks, teams, classes, levels, and conference periods, based only on seniority? This would work if I were simply a contractor, leasing room and material to journeymen teachers who came and went, but guiding an instructional program required direct leadership by a principal and head counselor. So, I made sure that the matrices we posted portrayed only the harshest of realities, based solely on the district’s enrollment estimates. I did not publicize or predict the number of teaching positions we could or would receive from the District, or purchase, to reduce class size, and maintain our present staff.

Departments and teachers quickly realized that the line selections were insufficient for the number of people picking. Teachers bumped other teachers from their lines or tracks, based on seniority, or had no lines to choose when their turn arrived. The worst-case scenario called for the displacement of about 10 teachers. Teachers were left in a state of unease and uncertainty, and probably for the first time, looked to their department chairs, and their administrators to assume some leadership in this process and make things right. No one was happy with the selection process, except me. I saw an opportunity to assume some control over the creation of a viable master program for next year, but luck would have to play a role.

Once again, fate stepped in, and rescued us from this bleak staffing situation. The week after these department meetings, we received a million and a half dollar state grant for class size reduction. This grant, authorized by SB1133, would allow us to purchase 13 extra teaching positions, and avoid displacing any teachers. This meant that the matrix would have to be reworked and expanded to reflect a 25-to-1, student-teacher ratio. It also meant that teachers would have to be reassigned or moved to form a real master program. By the beginning of the week, Steve had developed new matrices that included a new inter-disciplinary 7th/8th grade team of four teachers on A Track, and 1 and a half additional teams in the 6th grade (six teachers) for all tracks. I had these grids enlarged and posted in my office, and then I took the revolutionary step of guiding the development of the master program myself. I relegated Steve to the role of participant, and invited my assistant principals, coaches, coordinators, and department chairs to assist in the development process. We met, talked, questioned, and moved the names of teachers to different positions and locations on the grids. We considered teacher preferences, strengths, qualifications, personalities, and the needs of the instructional program. It was exhilarating. After two days, the master program was finished and left to settle for a few more. I knew from previous experience that problems and conflicts were bound surface, and I wanted them resolved before we publicized the final schedule. I trusted the department chairs, coaches, and coordinators to be reasonable and accommodating, but always serving the needs of students and their instructional program. They did not fail me. For the first time in two years, I had confidence in my master program.

Steve is retiring in June, and I will be assigned a new APSCS for the opening of a new school year on July 2. I have no clue who that will be. There is no one on my current staff who can do the job. I will have to depend on my experience and faith that God takes care of educators who struggle to do their best for children and their parents. My “luck” over the last two years would certainly attest to that. Nevertheless, I feel much more confident now, than I did before. Memories of the actions and decisions made by the three head counselors who shared my burden of leadership comfort me. I know what Gerry, Richard, and Kandy would do. I learned from their advice and example. At this point in my career, I may now have to put it into practice for myself.

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With all the deaths and funerals I’d experienced these last four years, I really thought I’d become adept at dealing with them, emotionally and practically. I was especially proud of my apparent willingness to attend the funerals of peripheral acquaintances – parents or friends of family members or co-workers. I thought I’d come to the point where I could rationally assess my connection with “the departed”, or their family, and decide, very dispassionately, whether or not to attend the funeral or burial. I was quite pleased with myself, especially when my decisions would surprise and gratify Kathy, who was always more sensitive and responsive to these matters. Well, Patty’s death and funeral services really knocked the underpinning of these conceits out from under me. I still have a long way to go in coming to terms with death.

Patty was our housekeeper, and she died last week. Her death was sudden and unexpected. It was only three weeks ago that she spoke to Kathy by phone, telling her that she was ill and unable to clean the house. Her friend Blanca would come in her place, and she would return the following week. Instead, we learned later, a doctor’s visit to treat the pain in her arms and shoulders resulted in the discovery of advancing stomach cancer. Patty died the following week.

Kathy and I did not know how to deal with this death. I certainly did not. We had known Patty for almost 15 years, but only as a housekeeper. She came to our home once a week, arriving after we left for work, and leaving before we returned. In all that time, we probably spoke to her for a total of 10 hours, in a mixture of English and Spanish. I always felt more like a contractor than an employer. Our contacts were usually by telephone and written notes, or very brief greetings when we crossed paths in the morning. In fact, on the occasions when I did not go to work on a cleaning day (Fridays), I would purposefully leave the house so as not to be in the way of her cleaning.

Patty was quick, dependable, and hardworking. She was friendly and personable in our brief encounters and, until three weeks ago, very healthy. Her absences were for holidays or trips, never for illness. The few times that she was unable to work, she called to reschedule, or sent her friend Blanca as a replacement. Now she was gone; from a telephone call saying that she was not feeling well, to total disappearance.

I can’t even guess how this news affected Kathy, because we did not talk about it in any depth. The sum of our comments on the subject was, “I can’t believe she died so suddenly”, or “I can’t believe she’s gone”. There was no further elaboration. We kept the subject at arms length. Blanca had assumed the housekeeping duties, and she kept us informed of the funeral arrangements. Last Friday, she called to say that there would be a viewing at a mortuary on Sunday, and the funeral and burial on Monday.

Kathy really had a difficult time with this news. The viewing was at the same mortuary that was used during her sister, Debbie’s, funeral services, four years ago. She still harbored painful memories of the experience, the coffin, the music, and the setting. She did not want to go and relive it through another death. After anguishing over this matter, she finally decided that she would not go.

I was – detached. I had not let any of these events touch me over the last three weeks. The house was being cleaned, and I rarely had physical contact, or communication with Patty. It was as if she wasn’t gone – she’d merely changed her name to Blanca, and switched her work day to Thursday. However, Kathy’s distress about the mortuary finally slapped me out of my denial. I realized that I had never dealt with the news, or the fact, of Patty’s death. I just pushed it aside and pretended that it hadn’t happened. I was keeping up this pretense because the house was being cleaned. Clean house – no death. I didn’t want to deal with the loss of a person’s life, if I didn’t have to. It was not like the deaths of Kathy’s mother and sister, or the death of the parents of friends or co-workers. Those deaths forced me into the emotional maelstrom of anger, grief, and loss. Those deceased were related to me by blood, marriage, and emotion. I didn’t want to do that again, so I pretended that I had not suffered a loss, merely a substitution.

On Sunday morning, as I was writing in my journal, I decided to go to the mortuary. The act of writing gave me the opportunity to process my relationship and duty to Patty, without having to assess my feelings.It finally struck me that I had been Patty’s employer for over 15 years, longer than most teachers and co-workers at my different schools. I had an obligation to attend at least one of Patty’s funeral services. It is what I do when a teacher or staff member dies. My presence is a respectful gesture to the deceased, and their family. It is what I do as a principal, and Patty deserved no less. I would attend in my professional persona, putting aside my discomfort at walking into an emotionally charged situation, filled with grieving people, whom I did not know, and did not share their sadness. I would put on my dress suit (of armor), meet Patty’s husband and family to convey my sympathy, and present an air of professional courtesy and respect.No one would be able to read my mind or perceive my inner turmoil; they would be caught up in their own grief and sadness. I would be there to express my condolences.

Kathy was enormously relieved when I told her of my intention to go to the mortuary. She had a sympathy card signed and ready to present, and she gave me excellent advice about the appropriate monetary donation to include. I thought I was doing fine in my professional role until I drove into the parking lot of the mortuary. There, I suddenly felt myself gasping for breath, as though I was drowning in a sea of melancholy. It was the same mortuary that was used for Debbie’s funerary viewing. Waves of free floating anxiety crashed over me, and I desperately wanted to escape. But I could not flee. I was trapped by my own sense of obligation. I had to see this through and analyze my sudden reluctance later. I tried to calm myself by thinking of my writing. Perhaps I could use this situation as a writing prompt to explore the feelings I was experiencing. I might discover some new insights into myself about death and grief. I concentrated on breathing deeply and calming my anxieties. I was finally able to step out of my car and walk to the mortuary.

Thankfully, what followed next was a synchronistic series of events that guided me through this difficult time. As I approached the door, I was intercepted by a relative who took me directly to Patty’s husband. I was able to immediately convey my sympathies to him and his sons, who were standing next to him. I gave them Kathy’s card and expressed her condolences. I signed the register, and met Blanca, Patty’s friend, inside the viewing room. I gave her a hug, and we spoke of Patty for awhile. I told her that I wanted to sit for a time, and then leave. Blanca thanked me for coming, and left to attend to others who were arriving. I sat for about 10 minutes and left.

I felt like a failure as I drove home, a failure as an employer and a writer. I had not maintained my detachment from this place of family loss and grief. I had been overwhelmed by my desire to flee. I had gone through the motions of giving solace while in a high state of discomfort, and I had failed to note any descriptive details about the people, room, or situation. My plan to be present as an employer and writer was in shambles. I was simply a man dealing, once again, unsuccessfully with death.

Dying is difficult for the living, and it doesn’t get better with practice. This is the realization that kept ringing in my head as I drove home. Each death is different, and it affects people differently; we deny it differently, we suffer differently, and we grieve differently. There is nothing predictable about how we deal with death. The only certainty is that we will die, and we won’t worry about how others deal with it.

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I’m going to deviate somewhat from my usual practice, and post a story from another writer. I’ve never done this before, but I think the story merits more attention. John sent it to me as an email on March 13, 2007, with no preface or preamble except for noting the date and instruction, “Sunday 03/11/07 (READ THIS)”, in the subject space. I was stunned by the story’s simplicity and detail. It’s been haunting me ever since. Luckily, I saved the email, and thought I’d share it.

John is the same person I have described in other stories (Sons of Pioneertown, Tres Mujeres, and Rosarito-Ensenada Bike Ride). I’d be curious to know what you think of his short story of a Sunday afternoon drive.


Sunday 03/11/07 (READ THIS)

My alarm went off at 06:00 AM. I'm off to the breakfast club at Keno's restaurant in La Palma, CA.. I met with the family, dad, Judy, Jim, Janet, Joanie and a friend Julie. We talked about my dad's up and coming surgery at UCLA for a melanoma he's being treated for, and a lot of minutia. Following the breakfast, I took my father home and did some repair work on his computer, it's always in need of repair. I got a free pass for the Boat Show at the Long Beach Convention Center from a friend of mine, so I headed over there at around 10:00 AM. I was searching for the ultimate Halibut Fishing Trip in Alaska, and found a lot of good prospects. It was pretty cool. I left at around 12:00 PM and decided to head home.

The freeway was nasty at that time of day so I decided to get off the 405 and go the beach, via the 10 to the PCH. It was equally as ugly, but bearable as I headed north from the city of Santa Monica thru Pacific Palisades and up thru Malibu. When I got to the LA/Ventura County line, around the Neptune's Nest Restaurant, I was following two old bikers. I say old because, from the distance I was following, they appeared, as I do, slightly over weight, gray haired and having a wonderful time cruising up Pacific Coast Highway. I kind of let off on the gas and followed, just reminiscing, how cool it would be to just cruise around on Harley Davidson motorcycles on PCH, on a day a beautiful as this. I followed them for about 20 or 25 minutes, until they exited from the highway at Las Posas Road, which is where I get off as well. We headed north and they stayed in view for the next couple of minutes.

I was paying attention to the road in front of me when I noticed the motorcyclist riding in the back, closest to me; veer to the left, on an open road, crossing over the dividing line, out of the corner of my eye. On closer inspection, he had collapsed over his handlebars and was heading into the celery fields at fifty miles an hour. I immediately hit my horn to alert his partner of the situation, but he was too far ahead to hear, so I pulled over and called 911, but as usual it was busy. I tried two more times, but no luck, so I made a U turn. I headed back to the incident location and found a group of people standing around, but not doing much. There were two pre med students standing over the biker, but there wasn't a whole lot they could do.

His color was bad, he was grey/purple, indicating his breathing and/or cardiac output were compromised. On initial inspection, his pupils were pinpoints, indicating a possible head injury, and his right leg was broken. He had irregular respiration, and his breathing was getting slower and shallower. I knew he was going to die, just not when. It is frustrating just sitting there and not being able to do anything. He eventually went into respiratory arrest and soon after, cardiac arrest. He was dead 10 minutes after impact. We did CPR until the Fire Department, showed up, but nothing changed.

I felt pretty bad for his partner, they were heading home after a great day. I guess you have to enjoy these moments, his last were pretty good.

John O'
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The “peloton” of “elite” cyclists swept past us as we waited along the seaside road in Rosarito, Mexico. We were eleven motley-dressed bicycle riders catching a brief glimpse of the elegantly clad speedsters who breezed by us. They all wore the de rigueur black riding shorts and their tailored jerseys made a rainbow of luminous colors, hues, and designs. They looked almost professional, except for the visual slap-in-the-face touch of commercial gaudiness that betrayed their amateur status. Professionals did not emblazon their jerseys with copyrighted insignias and brand names of Mexican beers like Corona, Dos Equis, and Sol. This was a “Fun Ride”, and the “elite” cyclists were a self-selected group of weekend-riders who were moderately serious about the competition they faced and their finishing times. Patrick aptly described their caliber, when he commented, “There were no Kenyans in that group”. As this starter group disappeared up the road, the bystanders who had awaited their passing as a signal to begin casually mounted their own bicycles and joined the ride.

“Well”, said John, who was standing next to me, “shall we?”
“Let’s do it”, I called out.
Our band of eleven riders swung onto their bikes and began pedaling up the highway, joining the slow moving tide of cycles that flowed after the receding “peloton”.



On this weekend of April 20, the Tres Amigos ( Sons of Pioneertown, and Tres Mujeres) were on another Mexican adventure. This time, we did not come in our usual roles of soldier, seer, and scribe. On this occasion, we were primarily dads, with our grown kids. John, Greg, and I, and a party of eight, had begun the 50 Mile Rosarito-Ensenada Fun Ride for 2007.

This was the third year in a row that the three of us had ridden in “The Rosarito Ride”. 2005 was the year of my debut ride with John. Greg and Jim accompanied us, on that trip, but they did not cycle.

Last year, participation was expanded to include grown children, if they were interested. John brought his two sons, Patrick (23 years old) and Michael (21), and Greg his son, Josh (26). I came alone, because Jim had given up on long distance bicycling, and chose not to come. That weekend proved to be a surprisingly enjoyable treat. During that weekend, I had three epiphanies about these 3 adult, young men I had known since their birth. They actually wanted to spend a weekend with their older fathers and friend, who seemed intent on re-living their youth in physically challenging activities. They seemed to enjoy the conversation, story telling, and joking that always surrounded our reunions. They were willing participants in our talks and activities, and their contributions were funny and reasonable. In many ways, these boys, who were now men, had finally caught up with us in our likes and preferences. We liked taking holidays that included activities that challenged us physically, and provided many opportunities to drink beer, eat Mexican food, and engage in animated, humorous conversations, away from jobs, duties, and responsibilities. I think they were also encouraged to come and enjoy themselves when their elders were underwriting their expenses. It was obvious that the boys enjoyed themselves in 2006, because they were eager to do it again this year.

I so enjoyed the young adult experience at Rosarito that I invited my own two children to join us this year. I must admit, however, that I waged a mighty campaign to convince Prisa to come, when Tonito said he wasn’t interested. I played to her sense of guilt, telling her what fine sons John and Greg had, and how much they enjoyed sharing this bonding experience with their dads. I expected Tonito’s indifference, but felt I could convince Prisa to come along. By Christmas, she relented and agreed to come, if her boyfriend Joe could join her. I closed the deal at once.

So, in 2007, the fellowship of the bicycle was expanded to eleven. John returned with Patrick and Michael, Greg came with both sons this time, Josh and Sean (35), and I came with Prisa (26). Rounding out the party was Jeff, another brother to John and Jim, Chip, an old acquaintance of John who lived in San Diego and Joe (35), Prisa’s boyfriend.



On the morning of the ride, our group of eleven left our two rented houses in a gated seaside compound, and rode down Avenida Benito Juarez to the Starting Line. Downtown Rosarito was colorfully festooned for the day’s events. Thousands of cyclists arranged themselves along the boulevard, surrounded by draped and decorated booths, stores, and restaurants. A bandstand with a deejay serenaded the waiting riders with an upbeat mix of sounds, and scantily dressed dancers cavorted to encourage them onward. Bicycles were everywhere: they were ridden, held, parked, stored, and dismantled. They came in every make, model, size and color. We rode, and eventually walked through this massed body of cyclists and vendors until we passed the starting point, at the edge of the town. We were joined by other “race sooners”, who rode out, early, along the course, searching for a comfortable station from which to launch themselves once the elite riders passed by. Experience had taught us that this was an effortless method to flow into the ride, without the frustration of waiting for the gridlock to loosen at the start.

The first half of the ride is deceivingly easy. The “camino libre”, or the free road, from Rosarito to Ensenada runs along the western coast of Baja California for 25 miles before turning inland. This part of the course flows along gently rolling hills that skirt the seashore and shelters intermittent communities, businesses, and homes. Spanish and Indian names that stumble off the tongue identify these commercial and housing colonies as Popotla, Calafia, Puerto Nuevo, and La Mision. Riders gaze at a myriad of novel sights and sounds along this section of the ride: children shouting encouragement and begging for candy, artistic works of stone, wood, iron, and ceramics spill out in front of stores and studios, a giant statue of Jesus stands on a hillside, and open patches of seashore and dunes border the road. Mild ascents and energizing downhill rides are eventually followed by steeper and steeper hills. Conversation and banter about the ride, scenery, and curiosities are soon replaced by the heavy breathing of strenuous effort, accompanied by the clicking of lowered gears and speeds. This part of the ride is only a hint of the difficulties to come when the course turns inland.

It was during this first part of the ride that we began to divide ourselves naturally by family groups and ability levels. The serious and better-prepared riders moved at a faster pace. Chip, a fire captain by profession and a friend of John’s from his bachelor days in Santa Monica, and Jeff, John’s brother, and an Orange County Court attorney at law, formed part of this speedier group. They had ridden in competitive races before, and had more confidence in their ability to finish in a respectable time. Greg’s son Josh was also in this group. Josh is a graduate assistant at the University of Colorado in Boulder, working on his doctorate in Political Science. He is competitive in all of his endeavors and holds the distinction of recording the fastest times in the ride, so far. On this trip, he also earned my highest regard for his taste in writing when he praised my blog. Josh disclosed that he had read all of my postings, and had even assigned one of my stories to an undergraduate class he taught.

Greg, Sean, John, Patrick, and Michael composed the next amorphous group, which would eventually divide on the mountain called El Tigre. This group was more relaxed in their attitude toward the ride, with the exception of Greg, John and Michael, who were aiming to finish the ride without dismounting and walking on any of the upcoming hills. Patrick, and Sean did not share this compulsion; they were ready to dismount at the slightest strain or inconvenience. Patrick always seemed to maintain a laidback, grunge persona, which belied his dedication in completing a Bachelor of Arts degree in Film and Theatre, and then landing a job as an assistant for a postproduction Hollywood company. Michael was a college student, focusing exclusively on Japanese, and heading to Waseda University to begin a one-year fellowship in International Studies (and computer science) in Tokyo. Sean was Josh’s older brother, and he was riding for the first time. He works in computer support at La Costa Resort in Carlsbad, and maintains the sibling ability to endlessly needle Josh, and get his “goat”. They would argue about anything: baseball, beer, cameras, and food.

Greg and John were little changed from our last reunion in March, except that Greg had done some training for this ride, and was looking fitter and trimmer. In fact, his fitness had opened discussion on my blog the night before, along with Josh’s unsolicited praise. While acknowledging that I had cast him as a pivotal figure in my story of the “Tres Mujeres”, Greg took exception to my description that he “was clearly out of shape”. My well-intentioned remark had obviously served as motivation for his training. He was ready to prove himself on this ride. John was the sweeper in this group. He was going to make sure everyone was okay. He took quite seriously his duties as dad, and he was going to stay behind his children to make sure that no accident, or equipment failure would befall them.

Joe, Prisa, and I comprised the last group. We were going to emphasize the “fun” aspect of this 50-mile ride and go at our own pace. Prisa had resisted all of my nagging suggestions about training, logging longer riding times, and practicing on steeper hills. Her goal, as she had clearly told me every time I asked her if she had trained, was to finish. Walking or riding, she would finish the ride. Joe was coming along to be with Prisa. He had met her as a fellow teacher when she first started working at his high school. Joe was here to accompany Prisa, and enjoy the ride. I was here to do that too, and to record it with camera and pen. I had convinced Prisa to join me in this extraordinary event, and I meant to enjoy it with her.

By the time we left the more populated areas behind, Prisa, Joe, and I were well behind the rest of our party. We would not see them again until the end of the ride in Ensenada. Our pace was leisurely, which allowed for plenty of opportunities to spy the landscape and coastline, and chat. We would ride side by side, occasionally, or form a single file line, depending on traffic and steepness. The steady inclines had given Prisa practice and confidence with her gears and strength. Still, when we came to the end of a long steady incline that stopped on a high cliff overlooking the ocean, Prisa suggested that we stop and take pictures. It was a good time to stop, drink water, and assess our equipment and progress. I reminded them that we would soon be coming to the inland turn, which would lead to a longer, steeper, hill, before coming to the biggest one, El Tigre. We had driven the course by car on the night before, so they were somewhat familiar with the terrain that was to come. We took photos and mounted up for a swift downhill section that would lead to La Mision and the inland turn, which marked the second half of the ride.

Coming with full downhill momentum, the inland turn is an exhilarating ride, which quickly ends with an unexpected hill that is steeper than any before. The sounds of clicking gears and heavy breathing echoed along this portion of the road, with more and more cyclists dismounting to walk. I stayed at Prisa’s pace until it became too slow, and I pushed a little forward, passing Joe as well. I came to a stop at the top of the hill, until Joe and Prisa caught up, and then we continued forward. As we sped downhill into the interior valley, we saw for the first time the rising plateau called “El Tigre”, The Tiger. It stands about 800 feet above sea level. The monster hill terrifies novice riders who have little or no experience on an endlessly rising incline. Somewhere ahead of us, Josh, Chip, Jeff, Greg, Michael, and John were riding up that hill, and Sean and Patrick were walking. This was the climbing phase of the ride, which continues for about 13 more miles up and through the El Tigre plateau.

It is a phase of endless climbing once you cross the bridge and ride through the little town of El Tigre at the foot of the hill. Joe had taken the point as we started the climb up the hill. I stayed behind Prisa as we pedaled up. Our momentum continually slowed as I lowered my gears one by one by one to keep pace with her. The clicking of gears was now accompanied by the clacking of cleated bicycle shoes as we slowly passed more and more cyclists who had dismounted and were walking up the hill. Prisa finally turned her head to the side and said, “Dad, you can go on ahead. I’m going to walk”.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yah, I’ll be fine. You go ahead”.

As I waited for her on top of the first killer hill, on El Tigre, I was thinking of the look of anguish that Prisa shot me when she got off her bike and told me to go on up ahead. I had been encouraging her to believe that she could ride all the way up without dismounting, unlikely as it was on her first attempt She looked flushed, winded, and frustrated when she dismounted. I thought I had ruined the experience for her by insisting that she could ride all the way to the top. Prisa does not like being beaten, and she does not participate in games or physical activities that she can’t master and enjoy. She hates jogging and had never cycled on hills as steep as these.

I was reminded of the time I convinced her to join me in my first 5K running race. She was a 6th grader at the time, an athlete who was active in basketball, volleyball, and softball. She ran all the time, so I convinced her to be part of a small party of friends and family who had agreed to join me in this race. Prisa hated the whole thing. I immediately abandoned her at the start of the race, and left her behind to fend for herself on the course. At the 1.5 mile turnaround, on the way back, I saw that she had given up on running and was walking and jogging the remainder of the race. She looked hot, flushed, and frustrated. At the conclusion of the race, after she jogged across the finish line, no amount of encouragement or praise could change her mind about the experience. She told me that she had only come because of my insistence, not because she liked running, or wanted to compete. I was very proud of her for finishing the race, but for the first time realized that Prisa did not automatically love all of my favorite sports or physical activities, and that I could abuse her willingness to share experiences with me by insisting on her participation. I never forgot that look of hurt frustration on Prisa’s little face as she ran that 5K race. She believed that she had disappointed me when I had forced her into an activity she could not master or enjoy. My mind was buffeted by images of that 5K race as I waited atop El Tigre. I panicked at the thought that I had repeated the incident again – only this time with cycling. I thought I had ruined the whole experience for her.

When I finally saw her and Joe riding toward me, I held my breath, and searched her face as she came to a stop. She gave me a sheepish smile and said, “I had to walk”. I gave her a big kiss on the cheek and said, “I love you, and thanks for coming”.

We resumed riding side by side, and I told her about my 5K flashback. She admitted briefly feeling a pang of disappointment that she had let me down by walking, but she let the emotion pass. When there were no lower gears to use, she told me, she knew it was time to get off the bike. It wasn’t a defeat, it was just a fact. She was also not alone in coming to this realization. She caught up with Joe, who was also walking, and they joined a long line of cyclists marching to the top. She also told me of the ludicrous scrambling of tired and exhausted riders, who tried remounting their bikes for the official summit photos. The deception made her angry, and she decided to take her time and continue walking through the photographers to the crest of the hill. She was proud of her entire effort and didn’t want to pretend that she had ridden up the hill. I took out my camera as we rode side by side and asked her to pose. I took my official photo of Prisa, beaming a mighty smile, coasting on her bike atop the El Tigre plateau, and sharing a moment of satisfaction with her dad.



New riders always think that their climbing trials are over after they crest the first 800-foot summit of El Tigre and see an apparently flat plateau. They are quickly disillusioned. The plateau is actually a series of slopes that climb and descend, repeatedly higher, to a small roadside tavern called “La Pasadita”, The Little Pass. Each ascent is more challenging than the next, because they seem mentally endless; and when riders reach La Pasadita, thinking that the climbs are over, they see the final tip of El Tigre, towering over them at 1000 feet. If they had not walked at previous parts of the ride, that last climb would force many more off their bikes.

Although tired, Prisa and Joe were quickly regaining their confidence on the plateau, and enjoying the ride. It was a beautiful day; bright and warm when the sun was clear of the fast moving clouds, and cool and shady when behind them. They soberly listened to my description of the next series of slopes, and decided that they would ride them as long as they had gears to lower, and walk them when they didn’t. We also agreed that we would rendezvous at La Pasadita. At the first steep climb, Prisa waved me ahead, and said that she would see me there.

La Pasadita has always acted as the checkpoint for all of our previous rides. It is a rustic, ramshackle, roadside stand, located roughly at the 40-mile point of the ride. This is where members of our party would wait for stragglers, or pause long enough to close the time gap that separated us. This is where I waited for John on my first ride in 2005, and Patrick and Greg in 2006. Since then, it has been a regular stopping point whenever we visit Ensenada, or come for the bike ride. We had been there the night before, when we drove the bicycle route for the kids. The experience gave the beginners a view of the last hill, and a chance to appreciate the subtleties of open-air snacking in a Mexican roadside tavern: the chicharrones (fried pork rinds) and Tecate beer that they serve, and the animals that beg for scraps. A new addition to the menagerie of cats and dogs was a little piglet that looked like some type of hairless-dog hybrid. It was a place you had to see and experience to love, and the new initiates (Prisa, Joe, Sean, and Chip) did.

On normal days, La Pasadita is a quiet, tranquil roadhouse that satisfies the liquid needs and food preferences of the hilltop locals, but on “race day” it is a bustling oasis of water, beer, tacos, and restroom facilities for tired and weary cyclists. The outdoor tavern was surrounded by bicycles and jammed with cyclists when I arrived. I dismounted stiffly from my bike and made my way as quickly as possible to the restroom, looking for members of our party along the way. As I suspected, none were around. We were the last of our group to arrive here. The rest had gone ahead. I learned later that Greg and Michael had hooked up here, and waited for stragglers for about 25 minutes before going on. Later, John and Patrick arrived, waited to see if I was behind them for about 10 or 15 minutes, and then they left too.



I had water and beer waiting, when Prisa and Joe pedaled up soon after (water for them and beer for me). We hugged, toasted our progress, and walked around, regaining some sensation in our numbed butts. We were almost there. One more climb and it was only 10 more miles of downhill and flat terrain to Ensenada. I think it was just dawning on them what they had accomplished, because their smiles and conversation became more and more animated. Joe, who never drinks alcohol, announced that he would celebrate the conclusion of this ride with a beer in Ensenada.

Sufficiently rested we resumed our ride up the last hill on El Tigre. I made one more stop at the summit, waiting for Joe and Prisa to catch up and then it was all coasting downhill for 2 miles. Prisa took the lead, and never relinquished it, all the way down the mountain. It was euphoric, both the sensation of cool ocean winds pushing at your face as you barrel down the mountain, and watching Prisa, blissfully, gliding through the curves and straight-aways on the road. Halfway down, we caught sight of Ensenada bay and the Pacific Ocean. We were almost there.

At the base of El Tigre, the “old road” finally connects with the toll road and the “new highway” into Ensenada. This part of the route is flat and cordoned off by traffic cones and police officers, to insure that cyclists have free access into town. The more impatient riders passed on the left, while Prisa, Joe and I pedaled serenely on the right. Prisa would alternate riding beside me for awhile, then falling back and riding with Joe.

It was during one of these pairing that she said, “Dad, thanks for staying with me. I know you could have gone ahead”. I looked at her, and smiled.
“Thank you for coming”, I said, “I wanted to share the ride with you”.
“I know”, she responded, “I love you”.
“I love you, too, honey”.
“Good. I think I’ll go talk to Joe, now”

About 15 minutes later we entered downtown Ensenada and crossed the finish line. We were greeted by Josh, who had finished the ride in a little over three hours, and was alert to our arrival. We were the last to arrive, but it really didn’t matter. We joined the rest of our party in a small park in the marina, under a gigantic pole and Mexican flag. Everyone was there (except for Jeff who we did not account for until we returned to the rented houses) in various positions of relaxed exhaustion, sitting, leaning, lying down, and standing. We exchanged stories and compared our thoughts and sensations of the ride. We had finished a 50 mile bike ride. It had been a long, arduous, and memorable experience. We had done it; Sean, Joe and Prisa for the first time. It was quite an achievement, and we would proclaim it with a Mexican beer and a toast, “salud”.


 
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On April 26, 2007, various cities and towns in the United States will commemorate “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” (TYDTWD). This program, sponsored by the Ms. Foundation for Women, officially, purports to “provide girls with first hand experiences to become more aware of the skills, knowledge and educational requirements that are demanded in the workplace and to explore 21st century career opportunities and occupations”. However, from my perspective, this day, started in the early 1990’s, is a feminist movement meant to expose and influence girls in following the career steps of their fathers. If you think about it, this is an incredibly ingenious concept that serves double duty. Although apparently aimed at girls between the ages of eight through 16 years, the program covertly awakens in Dads, the latent belief that their daughters have unlimited potential, and can achieve any career choice they pursue. Therefore, one might look at “TYDTWD” as an insidious, feminist plot, if it did not happen to involve your own daughter. As it is, what father does not believe that their daughter is capable of achieving anything they choose? We fathers just never had a vehicle in which to channel that belief towards any particular career. Telling your daughter what to do is rarely effective. However, spending professional time with your daughter, and sharing private aspects of your job and career with them is a treat they will remember and treasure all their lives. This is what makes “TYDTWD” such an inspiration.

I was in my first year as principal of Fire Mountain Middle School in East Los Angeles, when I first read the District memo on “TYDTWD”. I loved the idea of bringing Prisa to work with me, and spending the day sharing my job, interactions, and activities with her. It would not be day care. I would not be leaving her in someone else’s charge. She would spend the day with me, in my office, in classrooms, at meetings, at lunch, and visiting other schools. She would be my interactive shadow for the day. I loved it. I loved that Prisa would see where, and with whom, I worked, and I was sure she would love it too. Prisa was 12 years old and in the 7th grade at the time, and it would be a day away from her school and school work. I will also confess that at that time in my career, I was quite proud of finally being a principal. I was very enthusiastic about my job, and what I did. It was a new role, and all of my actions, activities and interactions were fresh and new. Even Prisa admitted that it was “cool” being a principal.

I don’t recall many details of that first “TYDTWD”. I remember having a full staff meeting with Prisa present, during which she interacted with my youngest coordinator (who she later described as “cool”). We visited classrooms and a nearby elementary school (whose principal also had his daughter with him), and we took a long lunch away from school. I made the experience enjoyable for me, and active for her. When the day was over, I was also able to ask her opinion and impressions of all the people she met and the activities she witnessed. She now shared an insight into my professional life as a principal- something that my wife and son could only imagine from my descriptions.

Looking back, I realize now that I took personal advantage of “TYDTWD”. It was my Daughters Day. I used that day as an excuse to spend time with Prisa during our respective “work” days. Prisa was excused from school to spend time with me at work, and I re-structured my time to maximize opportunities that would be enjoyable for both of us. My goal was never to influence her career path toward education. In fact, I never imagined that she’d ultimately end up a high school teacher. My aim was to be with my daughter at a time when she would still enjoy it. Our “TYDTWD” tradition only lasted two years, and did not survive into high school. Prisa outgrew the age range, and the novelty of spending a day at my school wore off quickly. Soon, other activities filled Prisa’s life in high school and college, and I tried to fit into them.

So, as “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” swiftly approaches, I’d like to make a suggestion to all fathers during the month of April: Fathers, use this month to “be good to your daughters”. What do I mean by “good”? Do I mean buying them things, or taking them to work with you? No, but I am talking about the gift of Time; time’s the thing. Time is the investment that will pay endless dividends with girls, and women. Prisa no longer qualifies for TYDTWD. In fact, I’m sure that many fathers have daughters outside the correct age group (8 through 16) for TYDTWD. Therefore, instead of TYDTWD, I’m proposing a generic Daughters Day to all fathers (in the same vein as Mothers Day and Fathers Day) to be celebrated in April. A day devoted to an activity or event a father and daughter can enjoy together.

Some may ask, what about sons, don’t they deserve a day? I think the best answer can be found in John Mayer’s song, Daughters:

“Boys, you can break
You’ll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman’s good, good heart”.

I think boys will survive without a “Sons Day”, but girls deserve one. Therefore, I will again quote John Mayer and urge that:

“Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too”.

That is my modest proposal as TYDTWD approaches. There are still many available days in April, and there is no time like Spring for a Father and Daughter occasion. However, if you need further motivation, I recommend going to a lyrics website to read (or hear) the song Daughters (Prisa gave them to me on Fathers Day).



If that song doesn’t grab you by the heart, bring tears to your eyes, and get you moving to spend a day with your daughter(s), you are not a Dad I can respect.

Daughters

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

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Did you ever play the game, Telephone? A person whispers a message into the ear of another, and that person repeats it to the next person, who repeats it to the next, and the next, and so on. Through this series of verbal transfers, the message is inalterably changed as it travels from person to person. The final communiqué contains only the barest traces of its original sentiments. A similar process occurs to me whenever I drive long, tedious distances, especially traveling on the freeway. I will begin the journey with one thought, and then, after a series of mental twists, turns, roadblocks, and detours, wind up at a completely different idea. On a day I was driving to Staples Center to meet Prisa for the Pac – 10 Basketball Tournament, I experienced one of these circuitous, cerebral telephone games, which resulted in an enlightening epiphany about work.

It began with a simple memory:

I recalled the day in May, 2005, when my District Superintendent told me that I was being transferred to MASH Middle School the following July. Even though the Superintendent had questioned me earlier in the year about career options and school preferences, this news came as a complete surprise, and it was hard to accept. I had spent 10 years as principal of Shangri-la Middle School, and could not envision myself anywhere else.

I fell in love with Shangri-la Middle School from the moment I first laid eyes on it. Hidden away, in a verdant, tree lined, residential enclave in the mid-San Fernando Valley, it looked like middle schools were supposed to look, solid and timeless. Its architectural style was pre-World War II, although it was built after the war. Three, two-story, brick buildings housed the Administration and Humanities, Sciences, and Physical Education departments. It also had 4 freestanding, one story buildings, the Cafeteria and Dining Room, Industrial Arts, Auditorium, and Band Room. All of these building revolved around a grassy, central quad area, bordered by rows of leafy, Chinese Elm trees. It was a beautiful and idyllic place. I was assigned there in July of 1995.

Sandwiched in those ten years, were some of my best and most difficult experiences as a principal. I met, hired, and worked with teachers who would become lifelong friends, or respected colleagues. I encountered some individuals who committed thoughtless or unethical acts that caused me major periods of grief and anguish. I learned how to admit making mistakes, trust teachers and staff members, and ask for, and receive, their help on many occasions. I allowed myself to be silly at that school. I even had some successes in increasing student achievement, attendance, and intellectual development. In those ten years, I mastered the practice of school leadership, and I became a competent principal.

It was only after a concerted effort by my Superintendent, and the then-principal of MASH Middle School, that I begrudgingly resigned myself to the transfer, but I had very mixed feelings about it. I was depressed and saddened at the prospect of change, and I was scared of leaving a comfortable position, and people I knew and trusted. At the same time, I was proud and flattered by the confidence exhibited by my Superintendent at placing me in a high profile and challenging school. However, the biggest hurdle was the instruction to keep the news of this transfer secret.

This request (order, really), posed a moral dilemma for me, because I shared all school news and information with my two assistant principals. We had worked, suffered, and celebrated together for 10 years, and I trusted them completely. We were partners in the running of the school, and partners need access to all relevant information. Even though we had different personalities, working styles, and problem-solving approaches, we were an excellent and talented team. These two women complimented my strengths as a principal, and mitigated my weakness. No matter how intimidating the problem or emergency, I knew that by sharing it, we could vanquish it. However, this secret wasn’t a problem, it was an order. I even saw the logic and need for the secrecy, I just didn’t like it. Against my better judgment, I agreed to tell no one, except my wife.

Keeping that secret knowledge had the strangest effect on me. I was suddenly, the only person at school who knew that I would NOT be there in two months. I found that this knowledge gave me a wonderful sense of freedom, and changed how I viewed and treated people and interactions, and how I was making decisions.

The first thing I noticed was that annoying and troublesome people did not irritate me as they did before. Whining and complaining simply became styles of communication or behaviors, not personality traits. I listened, accepted, or ignored what they had to say, without judging them. I recognized what they DID as teachers, sponsors, or people, and not what they DIDN’T DO. I accepted them for who they were, faults and all, and not for who they weren’t. I found that after 10 years of rubbing each other the right and wrong way, we had become like the smooth and rounded pebbles I find on the shore of a river.

I also noticed that my interactions and encounters with people only had a PRESENT; I no longer worried about future ramifications, or consequences. I was meeting people whom I might never meet again, and listening to issues on which I would never have to act. I would discuss things that I might never have to judge. Therefore, all contacts had to be weighed in terms of NOW, the present. There might never be a tomorrow with these people.

This unique perspective also affected my decisions. I found myself reluctant to make long-term, strategic decisions, unless they HAD to be made NOW. If I could not avoid a decision, I found myself emphasizing its quality: was it the RIGHT thing to do NOW, without considering tomorrow? It was a liberating feeling, realizing that I did not have to worry about the CONSEQUENCES of these decisions. I would not be around to see the results. I felt DETACHED and FREE to make the best decisions I could, without anxiety, or second-guessing. It was wonderful – for a while, anyway.

I loved the detachment and freedom my secret gave me, but I hated the isolation of keeping my knowledge hidden. After one week, I finally broke down and told my two assistant principals about the transfer. My detached liberation from perceptions, interactions, and decisions ended when I shared my secret.

I wondered about that experience, on my drive to Staples Center, and its effects on my attitude and behavior. While keeping my secret, during those last days at Shangri-la, every encounter, interaction and decision was my last. That realization heightened their importance and increased the need for RIGHTNESS in each. Is that what it feels like to live your days as though they were your last? It must come close.

Other ramifications of this theory struck me as well. I existed, for a period, in a state of personal freedom and emotional detachment, created by my (secret?) knowledge of “limited permanence”. I knew that I only had two remaining months at Shangri-la. I am now coming upon my last two years (or less) in my job at MASH Middle School, before I retire. Can I live these last two years as I lived those remaining weeks at Shangri-la? Can I treat every personal encounter and human interaction as though it were my last? Can I make decisions based only on “rightness”- taking action based on fairness and compassion? Those last weeks gave me the chance to savor Shangri-la Middle School, before I left. I absorbed the people, students, buildings, grass, trees, and murals. I took it all in, before leaving. It was a gift. I hope I can savor my time at MASH Middle School with the same love and longing as Shangri-la.

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Every now and then, an embarrassing question bubbles up from my unconscious, and it occurs to me: Is there anyone out there reading my blog?

This query rises up at unguarded moments of my day, like, when I’m jogging, driving, or cycling. These are activities that allow my mind to wander, or jump from thought to thought, without any filtering devices at work. The question always catches me by surprise, and shames me, because I know I shouldn’t care. I should be writing for myself; to practice this skill that I have ignored so long. I need to write for the sake of writing, and not worry about being read. But I, obviously, do care. My unconscious harbors this lurking curiosity about my readership, and their opinion of my work.

This is not an issue with my private journal. The three pages I fill each morning are my private thoughts, and they get me started and ready for the day. In those uncensored pages, I never think about who might be reading my journal. On the other hand, my blog is available to a huge audience, the World Wide Web. When I decided to begin an online journal, I gave up control of who might be viewing my blog. Anyone in the world can log on, or no one. It all depends on who is interested in what I have to say.

My blog seems to be evolving into anecdotal compositions about people, events, thoughts, and activities that make up my life. These essays do not seem to, readily, elicit commentary or response. I’ve had a total of four comments to four separate articles: Greg, my brother-in-law, Greg, my high school friend, Beth, my sister-in-law, and another blogger who linked to my piece on cataract surgery. These comments have been short, concise, and appreciated.

I know that people are aware of my blog, because I invited a specific number of family and friends to view and read it. Some replied to the email invitation, but most did not. Occasionally, when speaking with people whom I invited, the topic of my blog will come up in conversation. So far, most people respond by saying, “Oh yeah, I saw it, but I haven’t had a chance to read it”. I’m not really bothered by the indifferent response, since I remember doing the same thing when I received invitations to a blog, or website. The only blog I regularly read is my son’s.

To assuage my guilt over this issue, I’m hoping that my curiosity represents a natural progression in blogging. Since beginning my blog on December 20, 2005, I have gone through four, of what I believe are five, identifiable stages in the course of a blog experience: 1) Decision, 2) Fascination, 3) Consistency, 4) Curiosity, and 5) Satisfaction.

Deciding to register and begin a blog was a crucial moment for me. It took years of journaling and reading my son’s blog to make me comfortable with the idea. My son’s modeling was critical because his blog gave me a visualization of what this new medium was, and how it functioned. The decision to act came from the imperative to write SOMETHING. I had dabbled in fiction, but found the genre difficult and time consuming. It took incredible discipline to outline, develop, and compose a short story. Fictional tales did not come flowing out of me, like the true stories I described in my journal. It was on a particularly boring day at work, while the rest of the traditional school world was on Christmas vacation in 2005, that I was seized by a compulsion to write. I did not have a journal or notebook available, and I did not want to THINK about how to find one. I just took action, by going online and registering with LiveJournal. The blog eventually became my vehicle for compulsive, or impulsive, writing.

My next stage was a period of fascination with my blog. I played around with it, for weeks and weeks. I experimented with the design, format, and content. I would spend hours and hours searching, altering, and uploading “userpics”, photographs, and pictures to decorate my blog. I also tried out various types of writing styles and forms, hoping to find the ones that felt suitable to my needs and wants.

The point at which I stopped being a dilettante diarist and pursued writing that was more serious and consistent came when I became a paid subscriber to LiveJournal. At that time, I was “posting” on a weekly basis, and I liked what I was writing. The articles dealt with topics I found interesting or important to me. I also noticed that the quality of the stories, and my ease at producing them, was improving steadily with practice. It was during this confident phase that I sent out the formal email invitations to my blog.

I think that I am currently in my fourth stage of blogging, and I’m hoping that this curiosity about who is reading my blog will pass as the others have. In fact, my main motive in devoting an entire essay on this subject is a type of exorcism. I want to drive out this inquisitiveness and move on to the next level.

I am predicting that the final stage of blogging will be satisfaction with the progress of my work. I see this level as an awareness of the writing process that I’m practicing, and a determination to push forward. I also see this as the transitional axis where the previous 4 stages renew themselves and spiral forward, with more energy. I’ll know more about this phase when I get there.

So, I return to my original question: Is there anyone out there reading my blog? Of course, the answer is, Yes! I’m not sure who, or how often, but there are people who log in to check on the progress of my stories and writing. In fact, this weekend my mother told me that Gracie, my youngest sister, had introduced her to my blog. Therefore, I know that I now have my most dedicated reader (other than Kathy, who proofreads most of my “posts”). I also know from experience that she will be my most ardent and enthusiastic booster and proponent. My mother may not comment on what I write, but she will read every word, many times. Mom’s are great that way.

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I was paging through an old journal the other day, and I found an entry from March, 2006:

“…After the inspirational presentation by our Leadership students, at the Board of Education, I was called up to the podium to answer questions about the school’s academic improvement. Later that week, as I watched the videotape replay of the Board meeting, I did not recognize myself! Who was that man on TV? I saw a well dressed principal who looked shockingly, sad and grim. His forehead was furrowed, and lips tightly pursed. He looked stretched as tight as a drum. I saw a very serious and dour man on the television screen. Is this what I look like as I perform my duties as principal? This is not the man I see in all the family photos at home and in my office. In those pictures, I look relaxed, happy, and smiling. Which is the real me?”

I had forgotten about this journal entry and the observations about my grim and humorless appearance at that board meeting. It occurred to me that I had seen that same serious look on other photographs in professional situations: times when I was giving a formal speech; answering questions in public forums, like Board of Education meetings, press conferences, parent meetings; or when introducing local or State dignitaries. I think my face showed my worries, anxieties, and fears at those moments. It is a mirror to the emotions I feel when I find myself in these stressful situations. These are events that I consider irrelevant to teaching, learning, and dealing with students and teachers in a school environment. They are the political aspects of my job that I dislike because they call for skills that I do not practice: “No Child Left Behind” rhetoric; trendy, educational glibness; and visionary boosterism. When called upon, I can perform these functions, but I now conclude that my face reflects my true sentiments. I also suspect that my visage turns equally dour in other tense or stressful occasions at school: at those unstructured and potentially antagonistic meetings and encounters with teachers and parents.

Many things make teachers and parents unhappy and angry. I think I can provoke most of them by my decisions, actions, and neglect. When I call a teacher to my office, or when a teacher walks in, it is rarely to exchange greetings and provide good news. It is usually to express concerns, ask questions, or air grievances. When teachers or parents enter my office, I am ready for anything, and when I suspect conflict or confrontation over some issue, my body becomes tense, rigid, and alert. I sometimes wonder if I am breathing at all, during these encounters, because I find myself inhaling and exhaling so deeply when they end.

Unstructured gatherings, or meetings, without formal agendas are also unpredictable with parents and teachers. The loose format of these occasions makes me the principal speaker and the focus of everyone’s attention. They are unnerving because, without an agenda, a parent or teacher can highjack the meeting and use it as a platform to air personal issues and concerns, which are usually energized by anger, outrage, or indignation. There is a huge difference in my body tension (and face?) when I’m facilitating an agenda with other speakers, and not the focal point of the meeting. I am comfortable, confidant, and relaxed when questions, concerns, or accusations are directed at OTHERS. It gives me time and distance to reflect, think, and respond without engaging the emotions of the attacker. I can rescue and redirect the budding conflict by treating it as a puzzle to be solved, and not a personal problem.

I always assumed that my face and appearance were consistently open, friendly, and professional. Now, I’m not so sure. I imagined myself as the smiling, relaxed, and happy person reflected in photographs with family and friends. Was I simply posing when these photos were taken? Is that the reason for my different looks; I smile when I’m conscious of the moment and want to appear happy? In fact, I think students have even brought this grim and serious look to my attention, when they occasionally ask, “Mr. D, are you mad, or sumptin’? You look different!” When children ask this question, the clouds of concern and distraction clear from my visage and I smile, reassuring them that I was just “thinking”.

Students make me smile. They provoke in me the same spontaneous feelings of joy that my own two children did when I watched their innocent and unconscious behaviors as they grew up. The one ritual I insist on performing as principal is standing at the entrance to school each morning greeting and shaking the hand of every student who enters between 7:05 to 7:27 a.m. This practice sets the tone for my day. I cannot help but feel happy and optimistic by the parade of wide-awake innocence, placating their “weird” principal by shaking his hand and saying “Good Morning, Mr. D”. After this uplifting ritual, I’ve thought of practicing my smile for the rest of the day, and letting my lips and mouth direct my mood. What is that saying, “smile and the world smiles with you”? I’m not sure of the exact wording, but the intent is clear. If I could remember to smile in nervous, anxious, and scary situations, then perhaps my pretend smile would influence my mood and feeling. It’s worth a try. Anything is better than showing that pained, unhappy look on my face, as on that day at the Board of Education.

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On Sunday, March 18, I went to see the movie "300", with my brother Eddie. I wanted to see it early, before the media reviews overwhelmed it with their negative opinions and commentary. Up to that point, some critics had given nodding approval to the artistic quality of the film, but most were panning it. The negative reviews focused on its graphic depiction of violence and gore, and on the minimal character development and storyline. I had emailed Eddie earlier in the week to see if he and Alex might be available to watch it with me. They were the perfect companions for this type of movie, because they, as I, would be automatically predisposed, to enjoy this remake of a classic “B movie” and cinematic adaptation of a modern graphic novel. Alex was busy, but Eddie was able to join me in this foray into the new world of adult comics in cinema.

I never became a graphic novel fan, like my brothers, Eddie and Alex, or my son, Tony. I never made that transition from comic books. However, I was solely responsible for infusing them with the comic book habit that evolved into their appreciation of this newer form of illustrative art and literature. I bought them their first DC and Marvel Comics. The choosing, buying, and reading of comics was my first personal, bonding experience with Eddie and Alex, and its effects still hold us together today.

I lived at home in the years between the death of my father, in 1971, and my marriage to Kathy, in 1975. During that time, one of my most enjoyable brotherly rituals was taking Eddie and Alex to buy comics at a liquor store in Culver City. This store offered the most extensive stock of comic books on the Westside of Los Angeles. Prior to 1971, I kept my comic book habit hidden. My mother was of the generation that believed comics were evil because they misdirected the imagination of youths toward fantasy, and stultified their desire and ability to read “real” literature. In moments of weakness, she would occasionally allow me to borrow and read one or two comics, but she forbade us to purchase them; books and novels were okay, but comics were bad. One of the constraints loosened by my father’s death was my mother’s ban on comics. After his death, buying comics, like smoking cigarettes, became an “acceptable vice” I could indulge in, as the “man of the house”. I also convinced my mom to allow my brothers to join me. Letting them read comic books, I argued, served four purposes:

1.I was able to get them out of the house and out of my mother’s hair for hours and hours.
2.It allowed me to spend time exclusively with them, and exert my brotherly advice and wisdom.
3.It got them into the habit of reading.
4.It maximized my purchases of comics (this last reason I did not share with mom). In my day, people did not buy comics to collect and save, we purchased them to read, borrow, and trade.

When the three of us went to the Comic/Liquor Store, we spent hours selecting our personal choices (on special occasions we would buy two each). Picking the right comics was important, because we knew that we would not only be reading our own selection, but those of our brothers as well. In the early years, Eddie and I probably applied undue influence on Alex to insure that he chose a comic we both wanted to read.

Once I married and left home, my interest in comics waned, while Eddie and Alex’s continued. It wasn’t until the early childhood days of Toñito that comics became an issue again. When Prisa and Toñito were small children, I would pack them up and take them to my mother’s house for a visit on many Saturdays. This practice gave Kathy a one-day holiday from the kids, and my Mom an opportunity to see, interact, and play with her grandchildren. These weekly visits gave me the chance to inspect and read the newest comics that Eddie and Alex were buying. It also introduced Toñito to our family vice. Tony read at an early age, and comics sped him along even faster. As the kids got older and more involved in the athletic and enrichment activities that parents foist on their children, our regular trips to my Mom’s became less and less frequent. Although we would get together for special occasions (birthdays, graduations, confirmations, etc), we would never again wile away an entire Saturday playing board games, singing songs, reading comics, playing house or school, and dining on Burger King Hamburgers. Over time, I slowly disconnected from comics, and did not understand the impact of graphic novels until the 1990’s, when Tony was in high school.

I’m not sure if it was on my birthday, or Christmas in 1987, but Eddie presented me with a gift of "The Watchmen". It was my first graphic novel. Along with the gift, came an explanation from Eddie, Alex, and Tony about the significance of this pioneering work, and about the new field. I was stunned by the evolution of the comic book form. I was also amazed at how my young disciples had become my teachers. I eventually read "The Watchmen", but it did not affect me the way comics did, and I never pursued an interest in graphic novels.

In 2002, the movie "Spiderman", reanimated and transformed my passion for comics. It was the first cinematic treatment of a comic hero and format that really worked. It worked because it stayed faithful to the original Marvel concept and because fantastic advances in computer-generated, digital effects finally allowed "Spiderman" to swing and fly over and between buildings and towers. I always knew he could, but no cartoon or TV series was ever able to portray it. The movie was miraculous; I smiled in delighted bliss throughout my first viewing, my second, and third. It was like coming back home to the comic book world I had grown out of as an adult.

The movie had the same wondrous effect on Eddie and Alex. It was while extolling the virtues of this breakthrough movie that we pledged to try to see future cinematic attempts of the same genre, together. I saw it as a resumption of our comic buying expeditions. Over the course of the years, we would get together to see many newly adapted comic books: Daredevil, The Fantastic Four, Hellboy, X-Men, and Spiderman II. My brothers also introduced me to the movies adapted from graphic novels: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, From Hell, V for Vendetta, Road to Perdition, and Sin City. Although we enjoyed all of them, not all of these movies had the same wondrous impact as the first Spiderman movie. I also noticed a divergent trend in movies adapted from comics and those from graphic novels: comics were hero driven and packed with action, while graphic novels were dark, brooding and violent. In "300", I found a melding of the two forms, and an astonishing new artistic style and energy.

The movie, "300" first intrigued me when I read an article in Time Magazine explaining how Frank Miller, the author and artist of the graphic novel, was influenced to produce it by the original movie, "The 300 Spartans". This news stunned me. I had always assumed that I was one of the few people alive who actually saw and enjoyed this 1962 “B movie”, directed by Rudolph Mate’, and starring Richard Egan. The original story told the heroic tale of how three hundred Spartans, led by King Leonidas of Sparta, halted the massive invading army of Xerxes, emperor of Persia, at Thermopylae, for three days. The self-sacrificing nobility of this historic event caught my youthful imagination. That this movie also served as the causal event that motivated Miller to write his novel, which then prompted Zack Snyder, the director of 300, to make a movie based strictly on the art of the graphic novel, was enough reason to force me to see it.

I loved it. What the movie lacks in historical authenticity, dialogue, and characterization, it more than makes up for in artistic style and grace. It is the most comprehensive treatment of an illustrated graphic novel put on the movie screen that I have ever seen. Frame by frame, it is digital art on film. It is incredible art. In one sequence showing the Spartans battling the Persian “Immortals”, Xerxes personal guardsman, the frames depicting the fight could have been copied from the carved stone friezes of the Parthenon in Athens. I came full circle with "300". It was the first movie to capture the style, drama, and illustrative quality of comic books, and graphic novels. I recommend it to every comic book loving person in the world, and to people who might be curious. Too bad Alex missed it.

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The Pac-10 Basketball Tournament began on March 8, 2007, in downtown Los Angeles. For the last 2 years, Prisa and I have gone to see the entire 3-day tournament at the Staples Center. It has become our annual Father-Daughter Getaway, a time to be exclusively together. We had plenty of time to talk, question, and speculate the first year we attended, in 2005, because UCLA (our favorite team) lost their first game and was eliminated. The second year, however, we were caught up in UCLA’s successful run through the tournament, and confined most of our talk to the games, opponents, and strategy.

Sports are what Prisa and I had in common, as she grew up. Sports became the point of contact and communication from the first day we played “catch and bat” with whiffle balls on the front lawn, to the moment I mounted the basketball backboard on the roof of our garage in Reseda. She had a rocket arm, and could make the difficult throw from third to first base at the age of 6. Prisa is a father’s perfect daughter and sportsperson: she was attracted to team sports, she learned them quickly, and she found joy in practice and play. Tony was indifferent to them; he performed athletics as a family obligation to fitness, but dropped them as soon as possible. Prisa only got better and more confident the longer she played. Some of my favorite moments with Prisa are the times we would play catch, or shoot baskets, in the driveway; catch and chat, throw and talk, shoot and joke. We’d discuss her game, her hitting, her shooting, her teammates, her school, and her life. Those were magical times with Prisa. After high school, they occurred less and less frequently as she left home for college and after. So we no longer got together to play catch or shoot baskets; however, we’d get together BECAUSE of sports. Sports have become my excuse to meet, talk, and play with Prisa. She’s my girl.

Prisa and I had such a great experience at the 2006 Tournament, that I encouraged my two brothers, Eddie and Alex, to join us this year. In my family of 6, I am closest to Eddie and Alex. This relationship might seem odd, given our age differences. Eddie and Alex were the youngest siblings, and I was the oldest. 10 years separate Eddie and me, and there are 18 years between Alex and me. The three of us will still manage to get together to see a movie, attend a basketball game, or watch football on TV. I have not maintained this type of connection with my other three siblings, who are closer in age.

There is much of the same dynamic in my actions with Prisa, as with Eddie and Alex. I would involve them in things I liked to do, and their enjoyment would reinforce my participation. I was Prisa’s Dad, and I became Eddie and Alex’s official “Big Brother” after our Dad died in 1971. I suppose I developed my style of spending time with children with Eddie and Alex. We would play catch and shoot baskets in the driveway, watch college football and basketball games together, play board games, go to movies, buy books and comics, take walks, and go to the beach and parks. These were all things I enjoyed doing, anyway, and they enjoyed doing them with me. A symbiotic relationship grew stronger and stronger as time went on, until a permanent bond of friendship was forged.

I expected to sit together during the first day of the four quarter final games of the tournament. Prisa and I had purchased the complete package of tickets for the tournament. In the past, we had managed to sneak friends into our more upscale section when they purchased general admission passes. I figured that we could do this with my brothers, until I saw the location of our seats. Prisa had managed to upgrade our location from last year into the “Premier Seating” Section of Staples. The price was the same as last year, but the seats were located in the exclusive VIP level of the arena. Great seats, great location, great view, and great service, but totally supervised. I felt a little guilty when we were waving down to Eddie and Alex from the club level of Staples, as they entered the lobby of the arena, and looked up. There was no way we were going to sneak them into this closely guarded area.

We went down to greet them in the lobby and explain. Eddie and Alex took the bad news well, and before they could dwell on it longer, a camera crew looking for someone to sing the UCLA fight song interrupted us. Our UCLA apparel probably gave us away, but Alex and I, the two Bruin graduates did not have a clue. Alex could do the Eight-clap, and I remembered the words to the alma mater, but that was it. Eddie and Prisa, the two Loyola Marymount graduates looked knowingly at each other, and then Prisa admitted she knew the words. Sure enough, she knew the words and sang them into the camera. When the crew told us that her rendition would be shown on the overhanging TV monitors during the game, we knew the day was going to be fun.

On the way to the Stadium Store to buy souvenir apparel, we introduced Eddie and Alex to the Pontiac Lounge. Prisa and I had explored it earlier, and received gifts: a sports backpack, and a Pac 10 Rally towel. We convinced them to go in. As they went about procuring their gifts from the Pontiac girls and helpers in the patio area, I inspected the lounge. It was a full bar lounge, with padded seats, bar stools, tables, black décor, and liquor for sale. It was the perfect place to meet, sit, drink, and talk, since we were not going to be able to do so during the game.

As we settled in to talk about the upcoming games, and plan for lunch, Joe Bruin, the UCLA mascot, entered the lounge. In all my years at UCLA, as an undergrad and graduate student, I had never met Joe Bruin. I was excited; I immediately got up from our table and invited him over for introductions and a photo. We chatted with Joe for a while, and then the UCLA song girls glided through the lounge on their way to the patio. Believing that this opportunity would never come again, I convinced Prisa to take photos of me with the song girls, and then more with Joe Bruin and the rest of us. We eventually managed to extricate ourselves from the lounge, go to the store, and get to our seats, in time for the first game. The Lounge became our rendezvous point after each break in the games that followed. On those occasions, between beers and game analysis, we were met Jamal Wilkes, former Bruin and Lakers basketball star, and acquired temporary tattoos.

UCLA was eliminated in the second game of the day. They played poorly against the University of California, a mediocre team, at best, and lost in overtime. The Bruins managed to catch and go ahead of the Bears in the second half, after falling behind by 14, but they failed to hold their lead at the end of regulation play. Their overtime play was a replay of the first half – no defense and no offense. They lost 58 to 50.

What do you do when the number 1 seed of the tournament, and your favorite team, is eliminated on the first day of a three-day tournament? Well, we took the Metro to Pershing Square, and had a quick dinner at the Sports Bar at the Biltmore. It was a fun diversion from the tournament, especially since Eddie had never ridden the Metro before. After dinner, we returned to Staples Arena for the last two games of the night, but our hearts weren’t in it. Eddie and Alex left after the first game, and Prisa and I during halftime of the second.

Prisa and I returned the next two days to watch the end of the tournament. It was a replay of our first year. We sat back, extremely comfortable in our exclusive club seats, watched the games, and talked about our lives, interests, and plans. Without the nuisance of a favorite team to cheer for, we were able to watch each game, dispassionately, and just talk. It was relaxing, revealing, and enjoyable. The tournament had achieved my desired goal, and more. I was able to spend lots of time with Prisa, enjoy a lounge experience with Eddie and Alex, get free stuff, and meet celebrity Bruins. Life doesn’t get better than that. Oregon eventually won the tournament title on Saturday.
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I sit, and close my eyes.
I press the palms of my hands together, in a praying position, and touch my forehead as I bow forward.
I sit straight, and square my back and shoulders.
I take a moment to move and flex my neck from side to side, loosening my muscles and tensions.
I take a deep breath through my nose, hold it, and then release, slowly, through my nose.
I settle into a pattern of mindful breathing; being aware of my breathing, as the air comes in through my nose, fills my lungs, and goes out again.
My breathing grounds me, and is my reality.
Breathing is my tether, my lifeline, to now and nowhere.
I sit and breathe, with eyes closed, to quiet my mind and thoughts.
It is how I seek – what?
It is seeking, and it is patiently waiting.
It is the quieting of my mind so I can be open to Something else.
The mind is constantly active: thoughts leading to thoughts, and more thoughts; images leading to images, and more images; and ideas leading to ideas and more ideas. Obligations, worries, frustrations, memories, angers, and plans, all arise, and string themselves to more thoughts.
They are not real, they are illusions.
I don’t fight them! I don’t resist them!
I look at them; recognize them as illusions, and then, I let them go.
I catch and release, catch and release.
That thought is a memory; an illusion of what was, let it swim away.
That thought is a worry; an illusion of what may happen, let it float away.
The only reality is my breathing.
I let the Spirit of God fill me as I breathe in, and I exhale his love and compassion.
The breathing is real; it is my tether, my lifeline.
An image forms that does not float away: it is a boy, sitting in a chair, eyes closed, breathing in and out, and meditating.
It is an image of me. I’m sitting and waiting, waiting to slow down, to quiet my mind, so God can find me.
I quiet myself, and “wait for God to pronounce my name”.
At some point, I am blank: no ideas, no thoughts, no past, no future, no present, no time, and no place.
All is void.

“Buzz, buzz, buzz”, went the vibrating cell phone in my pocket. I slowly opened my eyes to orient myself in time and place. A golden light shone around the tabernacle and candles, and a soothing tranquility permeated the room. Men and women sat and knelt around me. Except for the last vibrations of the cell phone, all was peace and quiet. It was time to end my meditation with a prayer. I again put the palms of my hands together, in a praying position. I touched them to my forehead, and bowed. In that position, I quickly recited the words of The Lord’s Prayer in my head, line by line: adding my own thoughts to the words.

“Our Father who art in heaven”:
Dear Father, You and heaven are everywhere around me, and in me. You are the light I see, the world I touch and smell, the music I hear, the food and wine I taste, and the air I breathe. You are in me, and I am in you.

“hallowed be Thy name”:
I love and long for you, dear Lord, even though, I can only call you by titles. You, whom I can never fathom or comprehend, are my eternal longing.

“Thy kingdom come”:
Help me to shed these earthly illusions, Lord, so that I can step into your kingdom, which I know exists here and now. Give me the spiritual “senses” to know, and be in, this parallel world.

“Thy will be done”:
Your Son promised that if I asked, you would give it, but what do I ask for? What do I need?
I ask for Your love and compassion, Father, and I trust that Your will is what should be. Give me the wisdom to see your actions, and the grace to accept them.

“on earth, as it is in heaven”:
Heaven and earth are one in You, Father. Let me be at peace in your heavenly kingdom on earth.

“Give us this day, our daily bread”:
Bless me with the grace and awareness to see and know your presence in the signs and gifts you send me every day.

“And forgive us our trespasses”:
Lord of all mercies and compassion; help me to do what is right. Help me to forgive myself, when I falter, so as not to despair, and lose hope.

“as we forgive those who trespass against us”:
Lord, help me to love and forgive as you do: saints and sinners, the just and unjust, the foolish and sincere. Help me to accept all the people I encounter today as your beloved children, and not my personal annoyances.

“and lead us not into temptation”:
Guide me to perform the spiritual and healthy practices that will bring me into Your kingdom, and help me to avoid the despair, self-pity, and depression that makes me cling to selfish and destructive habits and illusions.

“but deliver us from evil”:
Do not lose faith in me, my Lord, as I do with myself. I am still that child who feels lost and abandoned in an immensely crowded department store, with 3 younger siblings to care for. I exist in a universe I cannot understand and maneuver without your love, guidance, and protection.

“Amen”:
I place myself in your hands today, Lord. Let your will be done.

It was Friday, March 2, 2007, and I was at the Religious Education Congress, in Anaheim, California. I was sitting in the Tabernacle and Prayer Room called “Sacred Space”, on the third floor of the Convention Center. I had set the alarm clock on my cell phone 30 minutes ago, to signal the end of my meditation time. The meditation had gone well, as I suspected that it would, in this heightened spiritual atmosphere. Sitting there, feeling calm and at peace, I reflected on the actions and events that led me here.

Kathy would ask me ever year, if I were interested in attending the annual four-day event. I had gone once or twice before, about 12 or 13 years ago, and I enjoyed the experience. There were always excellent speakers and presentations on a wide variety of religious topics, and the Exhibit Hall was always bursting with all types of merchandise, artwork, and books. I secretly believed that this affair was a lot more fun, thought provoking, and practical than “regular” education conferences. Even still, I always turned her down. As a public school administrator, I did not see the justification of taking time off from work to attend a conference on religion. I always thought I could make due with my own readings and an occasional daylong workshop, or seminar. However, on an impulse, when the conference registration booklet arrived about three months ago, I told her that I might go this year. I filled out the form, chose some workshops, returned it for mailing, and promptly forgot about it. I did not make a conscious decision to attend until about three weeks ago, when Kathy and our friend Mary were discussing the Congress.

Mary mentioned “Sacred Space”, and the labyrinth, on the upper floor of the Convention Center. Those two places immediately attracted me. Kathy had mentioned them to me before, but their significance had not sunk in, until now. It was the middle of the Lenten season, and I had done nothing to improve on my resolutions: increasing my time for meditation and prayer, and attending a spiritual retreat or workshop. Here was an opportunity to address them both! Their description of “Sacred Space”, an ambience-filled contemplative room and labyrinth, was enticing. Having an entire upper floor dedicated to meditation and “mindful walking” was just what I needed. I had not walked in a labyrinth since my last summer at my former middle school, and the opportunity to meditate in a dedicated space was too good to pass up. I reaffirmed my intention to go, stating that I would leave with Kathy on Friday morning. An early arrival, would allow us to attend the opening ceremonies and hear some talks.

The Archdiocese of Los Angeles does a fabulous job with the Religious Education Congress. It is an immense undertaking, which requires a great deal of planning, organization, supervision, and efficiency. In spite of all these logistical burdens, the conference, and the people who manage it, maintains a strong spiritual, prayerful, and friendly attitude. The opening ceremony emphasized our need to pray and imitate God’s compassion with our fellow human beings. Father Ronald Rolheiser, developed this theme further in his talk, “Keeping a Mellow Heart in a Bitter Time”.

Using a series of gospel stories and episodes to illustrate his points, Rolheiser preached that the only way to survive the “bitter” times in the world, and in our lives, is to nurture and maintain a loving and compassionate heart. As the father (God) of the Prodigal Son is compassionate, so too, we are asked to be compassionate with one another. Being compassionate is more important than being right. However, compassion is not something that we gain through willpower; it does not work that way. Compassion can only be developed and sustained by continued prayer, especially “affective prayer”. What is affective prayer? Instead of defining it, Rolheiser explained it by using scenes and words found at the beginning and end of The Gospel of St. John.

At the beginning of his ministry, in 1:38, when Jesus sees James and John following him, he asks them, “What do you seek?” After his Resurrection in 20:18, when Jesus meets Mary Magdalene weeping at the tomb, and she does not recognize him, he asks her, “Whom do you seek?” These critical questions are never answered in the gospel. Instead, after asking the question, Jesus pronounces her name, “Mary”, and immediately she recognizes him as The Lord. Rolheiser believes that Jesus demonstrates the answer to these two questions; we are seeking God to pronounce our names, so we can recognize Him. Affective prayer opens us to the opportunity to hear God pronounce our name in love and compassion. It is only by sitting (or walking) in silent meditation, that we move towards a union with God that cannot be achieved through other forms of prayer.

Rolheiser’s preaching on compassion and meditation moved me deeply. I had never heard the process of meditation described as, “waiting for God to call your name”. I had always experienced meditation as slowing down, quieting my mind, and waiting, so God could FIND me. Being lost has been a recurrent nightmare throughout my life. It harkened back to my earliest fears of childhood; being lost or abandoned by my parents. Being found was comfort and relief. I had never considered Rolheiser’s interesting idea, but it certainly prepared me for my next activity. After visiting the Exhibition Hall, I traveled to the third floor of the Convention Center to take advantage of Sacred Space and meditate.

As I mentioned above, meditating in Sacred Space was peaceful and satisfying. It was so successful; I decided to walk in the labyrinth that was located in the adjoining hall. While “sitting in meditation” is a practice I often use (or as often as I can), I’ve only attempted “walking meditation” about 7 times. I tried it because of proximity. I happened to work at the only middle school in Los Angeles that has an authentic labyrinth painted in the quad area of the campus. In solitude, I walked the labyrinth every summer morning for about a week. I did not find “mindful walking” as appealing as “mindful breathing”. There are too many distractions in an outdoor labyrinth; cars, birds, noise, and people. It was difficult to complete a full circuit, because workers and staff, who thought I was merely strolling in the quad, constantly interrupted me.

I entered the Labyrinth Room in Sacred Space to find a full scale, painted mat spread out in the middle of the hall floor. I found the opening to the labyrinth, took off my shoes, and stepped in. Mindful walking is just that, being very conscious of the actions you perform while taking each step. You fix your eyes on the path ahead, and walk, very slowly, very deliberately, being very mindful of how you lift one foot, move it forward, and land on your heel; then repeating the process with the other foot and leg. Step by step you go, concentrating on the reality of walking and letting illusionary thoughts, ideas, memories, and worries float away. Just as I was finding a rhythm, I spied a line of people walking toward me, on the same path. There is only one way in, and one way out, in a labyrinth, and I saw an exiting passenger train heading my way. Without emotion, I stepped outside the pathway and allowed the train to pass. Stepping back in, I resumed my meditation, until I sensed unease behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I saw another line of people stacking up. Either I was moving too slowly, or they were rushing, but a bottleneck was developing. I sacrificed mindfulness and increased my speed through the remainder of the labyrinth. When I reached the center, and saw how more and more people were parking themselves in it, I decided that it was time to bail out. I walked across the labyrinth, recovered my shoes, and put them on.

I was disappointed, but not upset. The labyrinth had not worked today, so drop it and do it again later, or try something else. I could not sustain feelings of anger or frustration over this labyrinthine failure, because I had been practicing the opposite in meditation. Feelings of anger and resentment do arise during meditation, but they are identified as illusions and released. Spiritual guides call meditation, “practice”, because it must be performed, over, and over, and over again to be of benefit. Sometimes it is good, sometimes not, but the point is to do it. The practice opens us up to recognize illusions, and to connect with Something, Something that might pronounce our name with love and compassion.

dedalus_1947: (Default)
“You missed the turn!”
“What turn?”
“That one! The one that goes up the hill to the entrance of the winery”.
“What winery? I didn’t see an entrance!”
“Greg’s right, John”, I said from the back seat of the truck. “You passed it. The winery’s up there on the left. The road goes up the hill”.
“I wish you guys would tell me these things before I pass them”, John grumbled, as he re-gripped the steering wheel and started looking ahead for a place to turn.
“I thought you knew where you were going”, groused Greg, “we went by here before”.
“I’m just the grunt here”, explained John, as he slowed to make a U-turn. “My job is to drive; you’re supposed to be my co-pilot”.
“Wrong, mi capitan,” said Greg, saluting, “you are the pilot. I’m the visionary, remember? My job is to help you see and complete your mission”.
“Thank you, Superintendent”, I intruded from the back, “now, can you check to see if it’s clear for John to turn?”
“Clear on both sides”, Greg reported.
John made a 90 degree turn, and quickly returned to the flow of traffic on the Ruta Vinicola, the Winery Road. “Is that it?” he asked, pointing up at an adobe colored mansion that looked like a colonial hacienda.
“Yup”, Greg and I responded in tandem, looking up.
John slowed and turned right into a dirt roadway next to a green sign that read, Vinicola.
“I don’t think it’s going to be open”, John mumbled, pessimistically. “We’ve been up this road before”.
“Come on, John”, Greg encouraged, “don’t give up. I’m sure I saw one up the road here. What do we have to lose? We’ll never discover anything new if we’re afraid to fail or make mistakes! Come on, John!”
As we drove between the rows of vines, I, too, recalled that we had been up this road before, following the same signs, to find the winery gates closed.
“I think John’s right”, I said, “but, maybe they’re open today. I saw cars parked in front of the house this time”.
We snaked, expectantly, up the hill road, only to again find ourselves at the same locked gate, in front of the same beautiful looking hacienda style home in the middle of a vineyard. It looked every inch, the perfect boutique winery, but there was no way in.
“Now what?”, asked John, impatiently.
“Don’t give up John”, Greg repeated. “Look, there’s another sign up the road. Maybe this isn’t the winery that’s open. There’s one farther up the road”.

I sat back in my seat, and silently shook my head at Greg’s relentless optimism. Afraid to voice my own doubts, I waited for John to mutiny and put an end to this futile excursion. Instead, he gunned the motor, and continued following the bumpy, gravel road, even as it became narrower and steeper. As we came to the green sign that Greg had pointed out, with the word Vinicola written on it, we were forced to stop. It was a crossroad, of sorts. The one-way road turned sharply to the left, and there was a small white truck coming down the hill, right towards us. Both vehicles came to a stop for a moment, and John decided to retreat. He reversed his truck to allow sufficient room for the smaller vehicle to pass by. As the driver was passing with a wave to us, John called out, “vinicola?” The brown hued, wrinkle faced, driver gave him a puzzled look for a moment, and then with a gleaming smile of understanding, pointed up the hill and said, “Alla”, up there.
“My God,” I exclaimed. “There is a winery up there!”
“I told you” Greg sighed in relief.
John harrumphed to himself as he turned the steering wheel, and guided the diesel truck even farther up the hill.

As we crested the road, the barking of dogs greeted our arrival at a driveway that led to a low- slung, ramshackle house. John continued forward, stopping near two cars that were parked facing the brick colored house. There were no signs or posters to greet us, or identify this locale.
“Doesn’t look like a winery to me”, I said dubiously.
“Look”, said Greg, “there’s someone coming”.
A lean, attractive woman, in dark khaki pants and a violet sweater shirt, popped up from the walkway that ran alongside the house. Glided along the path, she bent down toward the two dogs, which immediately ceased their barking. Even as John was saying, “Tony, go ask her if this is a vinicola”, Greg was out of the truck, walking toward the curly haired woman. We watched, expectantly, as Greg walked up to the woman, and began speaking in animated Spanish. He dipped his head toward the smaller woman, put his left hand to his chest, and extended his right toward the truck. I could not hear him, but the woman was clearly intrigued. Suddenly she beamed an inviting, angelic smile, and nodded her head. Greg turned towards us, and started beckoning with his right arm.
“He wants us to park”, I said. John guided the truck to a spot alongside a Toyota truck and stopped the motor.
“Yes siree”, Greg said, as he came up to the driver side window. “This is the place. She said we are welcome to come in”.
“Oh my God”, I said in amazement, “what have we gotten ourselves into, now?”

Our band of four high school friends (Jim, John, Greg, and I) had not managed a reunion since last November in Pioneertown (Sons of Pioneertown). We were feeling the need to reconnect and catch up on recent and future events. Utilizing email, Greg had proposed a President’s Weekend reunion in Ensenada, Mexico, which had everyone’s initial support. John worked out the plans, logistics and transportation, and I volunteered to record the adventure by camera. Everything was going fine, until a week before departure. As John was finalizing rendezvous and pickup points, Jim and another party dropped out of the expedition. Although this was a frustrating development, it did not deter us, the remaining three, from going ahead with the trip. It would be a reunion of Los Tres Amigos, “The Three Friends”. In many ways, we three had more in common with each other than with Jim, the sole bachelor in the band. John and Greg had served as my entourage at my Bachelor Party in Ensenada, 32 years ago. We had shared an apartment in Santa Monica when single, gotten married during the same period of time, raised children and a family, and pursued public service careers. We were also more flexible in our relationships, needs, and expectations.

The tone of the trip was set when John and I finally arrived at Greg’s condominium in San Diego, on Saturday afternoon. Instead of hurrying off toward the border, after a torturously long and time-consuming drive on the 405 Freeway, we decided to slow down, relax, and saunter over to a local BBQ place for sandwiches and beers. We languidly sipped our beer and toasted our reunion, while sitting in the sunny, outdoor patio, overlooked by towering resort hotels and high rises. As beach-clad walkers passed by, we began to verbalize impromptu hopes for the weekend. John was curious about the Carnival/Mardi Gras festivities in Ensenada. Greg was interested in investigating rental homes in Rosarito, for the Bicycle Ride in April. We all wished to re-visit the wine country in the Guadalupe Valley. All of these ideas were popular, but the question was, could we fit everything within the time we had remaining? We only had this afternoon, the evening, and all day Sunday? After a second round of beer, we concluded that it was worth a try. We had nothing to lose, and much to gain, if everything worked out. At the conclusion of lunch, we hopped into John’s diesel truck and headed to the border. From this point on, all of our activities followed a pattern. Our plans would come to a point of crisis and disaster, and then, magically, come together.

As soon as we crossed the border, we were gridlocked on the single, winding road from Tijuana to Rosarito, for (what seemed) hours. In frustration, I suggested that we forsake stopping at Rosarito and head straight for Ensenada, getting there before dark. “Don’t give up yet”, Greg reassured me. “Things might loosen up”. And they did. The bottleneck was caused by a strangling, military checkpoint, manned by 10 beardless boys, in camouflage uniforms, hefting huge automatic weapons. The sight was chilling. Children with guns would unsettle any driver forced to stop. Once past this bottleneck, however, we sped into Rosarito, where good luck followed us. We located an owner/realtor with whom we had rented last year. She showed us three homes that were available for the weekend we wanted, and in less than an hour, we were back on the road to Ensenada. We left deposits for the rental of two beach area homes that would accommodate our party of 10 cyclists.

We arrived at Ensenada before sunset, and immediately found the Bahia Hotel, on Main Street. As we checked in, I listened to Greg’s Spanish increase in confidence and fluency, as he spoke to the ladies at the reception desk. I was amazed by how much Spanish he still remembered and used from his original immersion into the language, culture, and people of Mexico. Speaking little Spanish, Greg had accompanied me on a trip to Mexico City in 1974, to enroll for summer classes at the National Autonomous University of Mexico. He lived with a Mexican family, attended morning classes at the university, and spent most of his free time with me, and my family in Mexico, for two months. In many ways Greg went “native” during that trip. He felt comfortable in Mexico, and among Mexicans, and they, in turn, found him muy simpatico, very charming. The experience became the cornerstone of Greg’s subsequent certification as a “bi-lingual and bi-cultural” instructor, administrator, principal, and superintendent. He was at ease in Mexico, as though he was returning home.

We unpacked, settled into our suite, and went to a Seafood Restaurant for dinner. John and Greg remembered it from another visit, and raved about its mariscos and beer. After dinner, we strolled up Main Street to Hussong’s Bar, for a nightcap of tequila and beer. The street was full of tourists and young locals making their way to music stages that were set up at the northern end of the street. Most of the action was located in front of Hussong’s, a classic dive bar, circa 1940. John wanted me to photograph him in the bar, so he maneuvered himself into various poses and locations. With the mariachis playing and people singing, no one seemed to notice him. He fit right into the background and scenery, despite his American appearance. John is at ease in Mexico, but in a different way than Greg. John approached Mexico from an expatriate perspective. He is non-judgmental and accepting of all cultural and ethnic differences. As a soldier who served three tours of duty in Vietnam, he spent considerable time in foreign cities and countries, and learned how to enjoy himself in all of them. Mexico was always a favorite port of call.


On leaving Hussong’s, we collided into the last gasps of Carnival. Spanish hip-hop bands, on two outdoor stages, were guiding the thrusting movements of hundreds of dancers who meshed against one another. Couples, threesomes, and groups of strangers pressed against one another, locked in throbbing gyrations, following the beat. Thirty-five years ago, we might have been tempted to join in, but now it was oppressive and uncomfortable, and we looked for an escape. Greg spied a seam in the crowd and guided us to an open spot in the street. In that brief moment of tranquility, I heard the polka rhythms of a good norteno band playing musica ranchera , the rural music of Northern Mexico. I beckoned them to follow me into a side street filled with older Mexicans listening to this typical music. There was no pressing throng, and no throbbing beat, in that fenced-off side street, just a scattering of Mexican families swaying to their music. This was Mexico. We finished our beer in that peaceful setting, and at the next music break went back to the hotel.

The first nights of our reunions are endless. What begins as a travel day ends up an all night talk-a-thon in our room. We uncork the wine, break out the glasses, and settle in for a night of conversation and laughter. This is where we fill in the gaps of our on-going lives. All questions are allowed, and truthful answers are required. The topics may be mundane, exciting, or sorrowful, but our response to any news must always be supportive and humorous. As we arranged ourselves around the coffee table with our glasses of wine, John gave the first update on his family and himself.

Now in his second year of retirement, John was regaining some of the bounce and vigor that he had as younger man. He had lost thirty pounds by dieting and exercise, and looked fitter and healthier, than he had in years. John is the soldier of the group. He guides, guards and cares for us on all our travels. His experiences as an infantryman, ambulance driver, paramedic and fire fighter, all prepared him for this role. On many occasions, he has also been our nursemaid, worrying about our health, finances, and bad habits. This evening, he was particularly animated on the subject of heath and fitness because of his new diet and exercise regimen.

Greg, on the other hand, was clearly out of shape and still years away from retirement. He is the most enthusiastic and optimistic member of our group. He is a Visionary professionally, as a superintendent of schools, and Seer of endless possibilities whenever we traveled. Greg remembers more arcane and useless information than anyone I know. For example, he claimed to know the names of all the heavenly constellations, but I was never sure if he was reciting factual or fictional names. They all sounded real to me. On this evening, between news about his two sons, he told us the story of why pirates wear eye patches.

After describing the happenings of my wife and adult children, I quickly quizzed them about their reactions to my blog (internet log), which I had just made public the week before. To my disappointment, both Greg and John confessed that they hadn’t had a chance to read it. I tried to entice them into making the effort by telling them that I had written about them in my story on Pioneertown. I also refused to tell them how they were portrayed in this story. They would have to read it themselves. I warned them that I would be writing about this trip as well. I would be the official scribe on this adventure, recording with camera and blog.

After midnight, we halted our talk to go out looking for a street taco vendor for a snack. From there we made our way to the Bahia Sports Bar and Karaoke Emporium for a nightcap. In between Mexican songs and replays of national soccer games, we toasted our health, families, and our responsibilities as soldier, seer, and scribe. We were three amigos, getting older, and hopefully, wiser. We finally went to bed at about 2 0’clock.

On Sunday, we decided to take a return trip to Valle Guadalupe, the Guadalupe Valley. We passed the morning in Ensenada, having an outdoor breakfast, walking through the marina, and exploring artesanias, Mexican handicrafts, along the Main Street of town. The idea was to revisit the Ruta Vinicola, the Winery Road, that runs through the center of the Guadalupe Valley, about 15 miles inland from Ensenada. We had discovered this region on our visit last year. On that day in January of 2006, we spent an exciting day exploring the area trying to find wineries that offered wine for tasting and sale. On that occasion, we were only able to find two operating wineries with hospitality: Vina Liceaga, at the Western end of the Valley, and Vinicola L.A. (LA) Cetto, on the other. We spent a great deal of time making fruitless attempts at following signs and arrows that directed us to vinicolas and vinas that either didn’t exist, or were closed. The navigation of these dirt roads and narrow byways was tense, and sometimes, alarming, but it was always fun, and exciting. We joked, poked fun at each other and our fears, and kept our sense of wonder and astonishment. John’s military experience, Greg’s keen eyesight and intuition, and my confidence in their luck and ability, kept us safe and away from danger. We kept reminding ourselves that our goal was the discovery of new things, not reaching a particular destination, at any particular time. Overall, by the end of that day, we had traveled many miles, and explored many roads through the Valle Guadalupe, but only found two operating Wine Tasting establishments.

This year, our vintner goals were more realistic. We wanted to see if the area had developed economically, revisit the Liceaga and LA Cetto hospitality rooms, and be alert for new wineries. We entered from the valley, traveling east, and found the entrance of Vina Liceaga, a charming “pocket” winery at the beginning of Winery Road. We were happy to see that Liceaga was expanding, with more vineyards under cultivation, and new structures under construction. A friendly young woman, who explained the tasting procedure, and served us samples of the three wines and two aperitifs produced and bottled there, again, greeted us. After purchasing 2 bottles each, we proceeded to the eastern end of the valley. It was along the way that Greg thought he saw a winery on a hill, and suggested a visit. Not wanting to stop and explore, John promised that we would return on the way back.

LA Cetto is the Mexican version of California’s Gallo Wine Company. It is a huge, modern, commercial enterprise, which dominates the valley and Baja California. Its vineyards cover hectares and hectares of fertile land along the road and hillsides. However, what the winery lacks in Mexican charm and beauty, it makes up in American-style efficiency, production, and convenience. The Hospitality Room is spacious and orderly, and the, predominately male, serving staff is competent and quick. LA Cetto also offers the seductive amenity of permitting customers to buy and drink wine on the premises, and that made it a big hit with us. We purchases two chilled bottles of “adequate” Chenin Blanc, a loaf of crusty French bread, and ate lunch in a shady patio area by the side of the Hospitality Room. When finished, we had a smooth buzz going in our heads, and we were feeling fine. We started back along the Ruta de Vino, with Greg gazing steadily at the landscape and hillsides, searching for the chimerical winery he had spotted earlier. When he saw it, and yelled for John to turn, he set off a chain of events that would bemuse and astonish us for days and weeks. Greg’s ability to see what no one else could, guided our journey to Las Tres Mujeres, and La Cava Mosaica.

Greg led us back to the woman in khaki and violet. A neatly groomed man in jeans and work shirt had joined her. I could not figure it out. Where were the vines, the buildings, and the hospitality room?
“Senora”, I asked, “venden vino?”; Do you sell wine?
She flashed me a captivating and brilliant smile, and said, “Si, como no! Pase y ven conmigo”;
Of course we do! Come this way and I’ll show you.
We followed her along a path that ran alongside of the house, and then turned towards a door built into a mound or hill. At the entrance, we met a second woman, holding an empty Sparkletts water container. She wore spectacles, faded jeans, and a green turtleneck sweater. Shyly brushing a lock of hair from her forehead, she greeted us and bid us follow her. John led the way, disappearing into the cave, which appeared to be hewn into the hill. As we followed, I leaned toward Greg and said, “Doesn’t this seem a little strange?”
“Yah”, Greg replied, “don’t you love it!”

We entered a mutedly lighted, rock-lined cavern that served as a wine cellar. Massive wooden beams, mounted with track lights, criss-crossed the ceiling. Steel-rimmed, oaken barrels lined the left side of the wall, and wooden beams, in various shapes, acted as wine racks on the other. Against the far wall, there was a mosaic art piece, depicting an abstract design of a lush vine branch, bearing clusters of differently colored grapes. In the corner of the cellar, between the mosaic and wine racks, another grey haired man and shorthaired woman, in a beige apron, bent over an upright wine barrel and a large plastic container. They appeared to be funneling dark fluid contents of one, into another bubbling vat of deep red wine. They were toiling away, mixing or separating the wine, when the smiling woman in violet pointed us out. As we shook hands, the curly-haired woman in violet finally asked, “Would you like to taste some wine?” The woman in the apron was laughing as she welcomed us, setting three glasses on the wine cask, which now served as a table. The shy woman in green handed a glass to each of us, and the woman in violet quickly filled them with dark, red wine. “Salud”, they said in unison, and we drank.


I was struck dumb by this magical scene. I was enchanted by the muted, glowing light, coming from the ceiling, the gleaming rock walls, the shining stacks of crystal bottles, the mosaic designs, and the presence of these three beguiling women. Unable to speak, I took out my camera and began taking photographs of Greg, John, and the trio of women. Although reluctant at first, they finally agreed to pose with us, after John and Greg beseeched them. Using a combination of English and Spanish, we eventually discovered that they were owners of this winery. Each of the three red wines, which we tasted, was named for the woman who made it. Eva was the amused, shorthaired woman in the apron. Evette was the smiling, curly-haired, woman in violet who we first met. Laura was the shy, bespectacled woman in jeans and turtleneck. As Evette poured from a new bottle, she would point to the woman who made it. “This is Eva’s, this is Laura’s, and this is mine”. Each offering imparted its own distinct taste and clarity to us. The wine also seemed to cloud my thinking, making it difficult to ask clear questions in Spanish. Instead, I pointed at a trio of bottles displayed on the rack behind Eva. They were set in a unique box made of gnarled cactus wood. If I could not talk, at least I could point. “Cuanto son?” asked Greg, How much are they?

I purchased the box set of three, and Greg a box of two bottles. However, it was fearless John who made the bold request that surprised and pleased the ladies. He wished to buy their favorite wines, with the provision that they each autograph their particular bottle. I watched in envy as each female vintner wrote a special message to John and signed it. Once the purchases were made, and the money exchanged, it struck us that our business here was over and we had to leave. Slowly and reluctantly, we shook hands and said goodbye to Laura, Eva and Evette. They accompanied us as far as the entrance of the cave, and then waved goodbye as we walked away.

We came out of the spell when the passenger doors slammed shut and we were again enclosed in the isolation of John’s truck. “Wow”, I said, “what was that about?”
“I don’t know”, said Greg, “but we need a beer”.

I caressed the wine case of gnarled, wormy wood that lay on the seat next to me, and unknotted the leather strap that bound the cover. Looking at the three bottles of wine, all of my unasked questions came flooding into my head: how long had they lived there, what inspired them to start a winery, how did they meet, and who were those men? Question, after question, after question buffeted me during the short ride out of the Guadalupe Valley. In what seemed a blink of an eye, we arrived at our destination, La Pasadita, a roadside beer and snack joint on the Old Road between Rosarito and Ensenada. It was at this favorite drinking spot that we began to de-brief our visit with these three women. Ordering a round of beers and some cacauates, peanuts, we attempted to make sense out of this encounter. An inspection of John’s bottles provided the most vital information. Looking at these artifacts, we learned that the mysterious winery was called, Vinicola Tres Mujeres, Winery of the Three Women. The fantastic wine cellar was called Cava Mosaica, Mosaic Cave, or Cavern. John and Greg also bemoaned the countless unasked questions, which were only now occurring to them. It was at this point that I made my most important contribution as scribe and recorder. I showed them the digital pictures I took. I had captured their images, and their lair. I had photos of La Cava Mosaica, the three women together, and one with the Three Amigos with Laughing Eva. My inspiration was to return to their vinicola at another time with a personal gift. I would make a duo photo frame of the photos I had taken of Las Tres Mujeres, and Los Tres Amigos. Bearing this gift, we three wise men, would again travel east on the Ruta Vinicola to La Cava Mosaica.

As John and Greg continued speculating on this future visit, I leaned back with my beer and had an epiphany. This encounter was the serendipitous or synchronistic event we had prayed for in that outdoor patio in San Diego. It was a sign that we exist in a spiritual and enchanted universe, filled with mysterious and fascinating people who can teach us things about ourselves. On this trip, the appearance, manner, and actions of the Tres Mujeres were especially magical. These women reminded me of other female trios in myth and legend: three Fates, three Sirens, three Furies, and the three witches who warned MacBeth. Three women found Jesus arisen from the cave on Easter Sunday. Three women aided Percival in his quest for the Holy Grail. Women also operated the cavern that housed the Oracle of Delphi. Greek heroes sought these females to discover their fate and fortune. Ironically, the best advice at Delphi was carved over the cavern itself: KNOW THYSELF. All of these women served as signs, symbols, or avatars of TRUTH. We were three old men, a soldier, a seer, and a scribe, seeking wisdom. Were we Three Wise Men? Perhaps that would be going too far. All of us contributed on this journey; John was unafraid to follow a road going nowhere, Greg saw what no one else could see, and I believed it all had meaning. We did not find the Holy Grail in the Cava Mosaica. Instead, we discovered three Sprites who made the experience magical, and reminded us that fabulous things happen when you believe they will.

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